Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

The UK one is for mainly family who can’t fly abroad. No one was obliged to attend both.

Ah so, I've seen this from OP -My friends are mainly career women with good jobs and little commitments, I know abroad hens aren’t for everyone but at the stage we are all at in our lives it’s the ‘done thing’ currently and has always been popular.

And she goes on to say none of them have children.

So, younger than the average age of having children (early - late 20s/early 30s)? But all with very good jobs and few commitments (so no caring for elderly relatives.....so I'm still going for early - late 20s).

Do they all own their own homes already?

Or maybe quite a unique friendship group of 10 where none have children (through choice or circumstance). No judgement on whether people have children or not, it's just quite unusual for a group of 10 women not to have children unless they are quite young, and then it's quite unusual to be in a very secure financial position so young.

I'm waffling.....

Both your hen do and your wedding are abroad...?

Then my earlier advice stands. I'd look into this and find out if there are any extra costs alongside this before I decide that they're terrible people!

I think that overseas hen dos are so expensive so I think it is not unreasonable to not want to go. I think pulling out and discussing it without you is a bit insensitive. I would forgive though - I think weddings can be so expensive especially at the time of life when everyone is getting married!

Yeah it's getting silly nowadays, what's wrong with going to a really nice restaurant, or perhaps night in a country hotel in the Cotswold enjoying your friends company with a bottle of bubbly?

My partner has relatives abroad where the wedding is being held. So in the end we decided to go for an abroad wedding and we’ll have a family gathering on our return with my relatives who can’t make it.

Nothing is wrong with that - each to their own!

OK but you are clearly expecting people to spend a fortune here.

Sack off the abroad hen and just invite everyone to your UK hen.

It's not reasonable to expect people to spend upwards of a grand and days of annual leave on your hen do and wedding.

So you are expecting your friends to buy two air fares, two lots of accommodation, two lots of expenses to cover your hen and wedding? I think you’re being v unreasonable, and as for saying that Ind if your friends out up a pic of their new “flash” car, are you really expecting them to forego a car in order to attend your hen and wedding? Entitled much?

I think your friend organising this has messed up. You need to intervene and ask her to show you a breakdown of costs.

You are not children, you don't need surprises, you need to be well informed so that you can try and work out how you could make it affordable to those friends who have dropped out.

I wouldn't be surprised if your organiser has just pissed people off though so you really need to take it up with her. She is the one who has caused this. Find out what happened.

Yes but you're less likely to have people dropping out due to cost... abroad is so expensive.

I had this where everything all in was £X but then other bits got added here and there including Limo from airport/ beach club beds/ matching pink lady jackets and neck ties for night out /surprise cocktail making/ and then a thing where a waiter pretends to drop a tray and then he and the other waiters burst into song.

it bumped the cost up
by another £250 odd quid iirc

I went but two gals with younger kids just couldn’t justify the expense and frankly it wasn’t the same without them.

I had a laugh but was 47
with adult kids, loads of disposable income now and 7 weeks annual leave

Very different in my 30s with a young family and tight budget..
esp if the goal posts keep changing as is often the case on these bloody do’s

So you are having:
Overseas hen
Home hen
Overseas wedding
Home gathering

All a bit OTT in my opinion

I feel sorry for the future husband to be if this tale is in anyway reflective of how things normally are in OPs world.

I’m seeing her tonight and we’re going to sit down and see what can be done to get something booked still, it’s so stressful and I’m worried we will end up with no options to book if it gets any later.

I think people who have hen dos abroad, on top of a destination wedding, and who get funny when people say they can't go are inconsiderate, selfish, immature, self-absorbed twits. There. I said it.

You have NO idea about anyone's finances. And to talk about someone showing off their "flash new car" or getting a promotion just highlights your immaturity and selfishness. Affording a new car doesn't mean you can now afford a "holiday" abroad. (I say "holiday" because really it's just a trip abroad where you have to pander to the every whim of a Bridezilla.) And I'm pretty sure that upon getting the promotion, the very last thing that crossed their mind was splurging on you!

You have family who can't physically fly abroad and you're having your wedding abroad?
😬
Way to show those family members how much of a priority they are

And presumably OP is expecting the attendees to cover her costs too?
Absurd behaviour.

No it doesn't, because:
(a) The costs have gone up (The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit) and it has gone up because the OP wanted to stay at a beach club
(b) Things can change, circumstances can change - what you could afford in January (for example) may not be what you can afford in May
(c) If the OP really wanted her friends at a hen-do then, since nothing has been booked yet, she could get everyone back to the drawing board and arrange something people can afford.

Ok, I am a mardy moo but I do not understand the trend towards expensive trips as hen dos and yes, often trips within the UK can work out more expensive than going abroad. I could afford it but I would never prioritise a trip for my own pleasure over a hen do, which often has the hallmarks of an utter horror show. Although, my own vision of hell, I would rather stumble through the town with a giant pink inflatable penis and L-plates than forking out money on someone else's wedding stuff.

Have we found out yet that the wedding is a long haul destination?

But in this instance it's not each to their own. You're expecting other people to go along with it all even if it puts them under stress.

my vote is greece or cuba

no way ?? Surely not??
do some cheeky fuckers expect the guests to collectively absorb their costs of going away???
Does anyone ever go along with that???