Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

But if you had already booked flights and accommodation for the wedding as is the case here?

What’s wrong with going for a nice meal and then home?

doesn't look as good on insta x

I think it's a bit pathetic to get 'seriously pissed' a friend has pulled out of an abroad hen do when they're already committed to an abroad holiday for the wedding.

Perhaps they're sacking off an abroad hen as they want to use limited annual leave for an abroad holiday with their partner (and not one where their time will largely be dictated to them)?

Since there's a UK hen do available they probably see that as a reasonable compromise, which it is.

Is the wedding abroad as well

I agree, overseas wedding, UK and overseas hen is too much unless money is no object and it sounds like it is. Not suggesting you're not solvent but it's a big ask on a normal/ good income when a wedding is only one of many commitments.

I'd read the room here and rearrange the hen at home with grace. Just have one with everyone able to attend. You can go to this destination you like on honeymoon on holiday.

As much as your friends love you, this sounds like a genuine financial strain they could do without. I would suggest reeling it in. They'll thank you and the destination isn't going anywhere.

I think overall, maintain perspective a d sight of what's important.

Lol I didn't mention teenagers in that post. I deduced the bride is pushing 40 and suggested she act accordingly. Oversensitive much?

Wow, two hen dos and a wedding abroad… someone would be spending a large chunk of their free time/holiday entitlement as well as cash! Utterly out of proportion. Crazy. YABU.

Oh and don't be upset that you went away for their hen parties and they're pulling out of yours. The cost of living has gone up hugely the past few years, really noticeably. This isn't personal.

Sorry I missed that bit. I'd be so pissed off, it's really petty and childish tbh of the bride to retaliate like that. Hen dos put so much pressure on people are we are in the middle of a cost of living crisis.

I had hoped there was some jest in my post!

I agree with this.

DH and I were invited to an abroad wedding, years ago when we were just starting out in our first home with no spare cash between us.

We declined and were honest with cost being too much for us.

They told us to take a loan out! Then because we wouldn't take a loan it was held against us and ultimately led to a fall out with us regarded the problem.

I think OP is being very, very unreasonable.

Why did they have to book flights and accommodation for your wedding? Is it abroad or hard to get to?

Could it be that they're now looking at the costs of BOTH your Hen Do and your wedding and that's what's made them rethink the Hen do? Was it cheaper / easier to get to their weddings although you went abroad for their Hen Do's?

Why don’t you have the hen do in the same place as your destination wedding, perhaps the night before the wedding or something? That way you’d keep the cost down and then have everyone important that you wanted there.

Maybe they're pissed off with your expectations at how much money they should spend for your hen do?

They contacted the organiser because they're organising it!

Maybe have a rethink and do something less expensive.

Not really the issue being discussed but it's something I've thought about.

How many Hen and Stag dos involve an overseas trip these days? Are they attended by the same people who are finding it hard to get on the property ladder? Are they the same people moaning about Boomers having had it so easy?

Hang on , an overseas hen and an overseas wedding?! I’m kind of not surprised your friends are changing their minds, they’re probably just realising the costs. It’s not just flights and accommodation, it’s taxi fares and airport transfers , food and drink, travel insurance… Oh for the good old days of a meal out and a dance round your handbags with some Babycham.

Yes I got it 😉 just not sure who originally got so offended! All I said was grow up!

It's quite fascinating that the OP's response to having family members who "physically can't go abroad" is not to just, you know, get married in the UK - but to still have a wedding and hen do abroad and also add on a second hen weekend in the UK 😄

@Dayna87 what's the minimum spend?

We’ve said on the invite no presents and if anyone is insistent then to donate to a charity.

They can stay where they like

I don’t know, my friend was the one looking at it, based on original numbers we were looking at getting two beds that’s all I know

I feel like I could do something like this, without initially meaning to. Feeling like I should go and not knowing how to say no, deciding I’ll do it anyway, but then the reality of the money and life getting in the way just gets too much. Do any of them have kids as well? I doubt it’s about how much they care about you, I’m sure they’ve probably been agonizing about it.

But it's not your only Hen do 🙄