Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

‘Good jobs and little commitments’

maybe they want to save for their futures. May be they don’t want to spend a lot on something they don’t really want to do. It is emotional blackmail to make people pay a huge amount for someone else’s wedding

I have mates I am incredibly close to. I have a good job. When they got married to just attend their wedding in the Uk cost £500 each with pressie, hotel, clothes for the day etc.

as much as I love them I’d only ever have wanted to spend £100-150 max on their hen do. I don’t think they spent anymore than that on mine. The cost should reflect that of a very good night out. I don’t know of anyone who has money to burn who wants to spend anymore.

Maybe they didn't want to go on a hen party of 15 people abroad? Sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare.

Maybe two of them should have thought of that before having abroad hen dos themselves.

A UK hen...an abroad hen... and an abroad wedding that you have secured very favourable rates for accommodation.

It all sounds very spendy tbh.

The price may not have gone up but the price of everything else is constantly going up. Where people had money to spare before for the Hen they may not anymore as everything else is coming up.

It would be terrible not to invite these people to your wedding just because they can no longer afford the Hen. It says a lot about you that you are even considering it.

Any sympathy for the unreasonable behaviour was lost for me when you mentioned two hen events and going abroad.

Hope the wedding is without such drama though.

If theres 10-15 of you, can’t you rent a villa on the beach and do a big shop and just enjoy the away hen that way?

no need for a beach club, buy some booze , plan some cocktails and make a party of it maybe the Saturday night going out (optional)

You're all BU. You are because abroad hen do are overkill and unnecesary expense, and they are for agreeing to it and then pulling out.

You want to make your hen memorable.

you don’t get married for a hen.

Focus on your MARRIAGE. Make that memorable.

Gosh that’s awful of them!!

maybe they could sell a kidney to afford your plans instead?

What's more important to you out of friendship or this beach club holiday?

A reasonable bride would set up a parallel chat to all hens - called by the same name as their secret-from-you chat with "INCLUDING BRIDE" where the chat is for discussions that aren't about things that are a surprise for you, and would post to that something like:
"Hey everyone, I am really sorry that I overstepped by pushing for this hen do to include something that made it go too far over-budget. Your friendship is way more important to me than any holiday. If you can work out what budget you are happy with, I am sure that we can do something that works for everyone. Also I promise to dial down the generation of great ideas that are way too much hassle or expense for other people and be a bit more chill for the rest of the planning process"

So you have family who cant go abroad (presumably because of age and/or health so you've decided to not only have a hen do but a wedding abroad?

I wonder whether it's also the time commitment as well as the cost that is making people pull out.
I assume people attending the wedding abroad will be there for a week? Then the hen do might also cut into working days. This takes a lot of someone's annual leave on a friend's wedding, not even a relative.

You lost me at "flights".

UK hen is mainly for relatives who can’t go abroad, it’s just a nice house for a couple of nights at a weekend and my parents have kindly covered the cost of it.

This sentence says so much. You're having an overseas hen do and wedding, and your parents have still rented an entire house so you can have a second hen do that lasts an entire weekend. You've downplayed it as "just a nice house".

OP, I'm going to take a wild guess that your parents have overindulged you throughout your life. You seem like someone who's never had to worry about money - not your fault, obviously, but you don't seem to have any awareness of how lucky you are. The reason you can dismiss beds at a beach club as a minor cost is that you've obviously grown up never knowing any different. To most people, that would be a factor in whether they can afford the holiday.

Frankly, I suspect part of the reason your friends have pulled out of the hen do is that you've been a complete bridezilla and they're sick of you. The fact that you were considering - even just in a moment of anger - of barring them from the wedding after they booked flights and accommodation for it, says it all. You need to grow up and realise not everything is about you, or your marriage is already doomed.

Again, this is why I had a meal in a pub.

There is no way I'd expect my friends to shell out their own cash for an international holiday. The entitlement of people these days astounds me.

I seem to have missed the bit where the wedding is abroad as well.
This is a lot of money

Just seen your update that friends have already booked flights for the wedding?

It is an abroad wedding OP?

If so this is an important details and makes a difference about how spending on a hen will be perceived

In fact, I think if you choose to live with a man and have kids with him without being married first, it looks super ridiculous to get married - and, in extension, having hen dos - all of a sudden. It looks like it's just a performance, dress-up or cosplay where you pretend to care about traditions, God and vows. I don't understand what it is you're having a wedding celebration and hen do for if you are a couple who already live like you're married.

Good god, how many hen doos does a person need, you are very very unreasonable

Gosh, well done @Dayna87 👏🏻 at least my circulation benefitted (fortunately I don't have a dicky heart) 🤣

To other invested MN'ers, this is a first time poster, she got us all 😂

So you wedding is abroad too?

Perhaps it’s all got out of hand op. It’s annoying for the organiser who is now hunting around for smaller accommodation.

Yes I agree, it's annoying. It's also life.

It's certainly not something to suggest uninviting people from the wedding for.

If OP is indeed real and not pulling all our legs- YABU for saying your hen plans are in "tatters" when you have another entire hen do that you haven't even paid for and 9 people who are still up for going abroad. Catch yourself on.

So that's an extra £50 pp plus they will need to buy food / drinks?

Costs add up.

This translates to me as "each person is expected to buy at least 5 drinks at vastly inflated prices and then pay £50 on top" ie could be £200 more all-told.

If that's a misunderstanding then it might also be what the others thought too.

I am sure there's a way to make this memorable without the beach club.