Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Don’t forget the beach club which costs extra!

This has got to be a wind up.

I earn well, well above 100k and no way would I go to this hen/wedding. It’s not about the cost at this point; it’s because it’s entitled and crass AF.

Once minimum spend account for then it’s only about £50 extra pp

Even if they were initially up for it, things change. This month I'll be £400 down on normal due to a combo of things I couldn't have foreseen a couple of months ago. So if I'd agreed to an expensive weekend in theory I might now be thinking it was no longer feasible, especially if the costs are increasing.

And what is minimum spend?

This has to be rage bait.

How much is the whole thing per person

so your friends have already sacrificed their time, money and annual leave to book FLIGHTS for your wedding?
and you're having an abroad hen do and a UK residential hen do?

christ.

your initials aren't EW are they? This sounds very close to home.

Marriage is going to contain far more twists and turns, challenges and heartbreak, than any disappointing upset to your destination hen plans. Consider this an early test, and whether you are even ready for what comes next.

You have to be taking the piss now.

Side note, how are you 37-38 and have the energy for all these frigging trips?!

Look on the bright side-there are still 9 others going (seriously!) so you will save money on having to make only 10 of those 'lovely' t shirts you see hen dos wearing at the airport....

Don’t be a sheep and follow the flock

Agree, just because a lot of people are doing it doesn’t make it right

TBH I am a menopausal grump but I really think people who expect / demand others give up aa fair portion of annual leave and a whopping chunk of their disposable income to attend something like a hen do or destination wedding need to take some time to pause and reflect.

Some will love it and are able to do just that. Others can't. Or think they can and then life gets in the way and it becomes a burden or impossible.

Thing is it’s another £50 now then something else then something else. Then someone pulls out but it’s only another £30 per person and it keeps adding and adding up.

How many were going and what was the original cost @Dayna87

Is the wedding an expensive location too?

Im not against foreign hens or weddings and frankly I’ll go anywhere with/for my friends because I can afford to. But if I couldn’t then I wouldn’t.

I think if they’re also forking out for travel
to the wedding OP I think you have to take a breath be upset and then move on.

im sure your MOH can solve the issue maybe a few of you can give her a hand to find some places still in budget.

Yes I was going to say that about annual leave. They have already had to use up what, a weeks leave to go to your wedding, plus the cost, then another few days to go to your hen, then you've just added a minimum spend plus £50 on top of both of those things, What are you asking for for presents? I agree, they should have just said no in the first place. It sounds like one person has just said they cant go and everyone else who was thinking WTF have just found the balls to say no too. If they'd all refused at the start then that would have been far easier.

Jeez I'd be bailing too op
Way too much cost and investment for someone else's wedding

yea but what’s the minimum spend?

They’ve already booked flights for the wedding?

Where is the wedding? Is that abroad as well?

Equally OP would have flown to the hen dos and weddings of two who are not attending hers.

I’m not going abroad because I want to copy my friends but because it’s somewhere I enjoy visiting and it’s (hopefully!) my only Hen so I want to make it memorable.

I don’t think it’s entitled/selfish to have a UK one - I’ve family who physically can’t go abroad and it’s not a separate invite list either. As I’ve said the cost of that accommodation is covered.

We’ve secured very favourable accommodation rates for guests to use for the Wedding which are easily cheaper than what it would cost in the UK.

I think it's crazy to expect people to travel and pay a lot of money to attend your hen do. If you decide to go that route, you must expect that a lot of people will be disencouraged from attending, sooner or later. The point of a hen do is surely to spend some special time with your female loved ones before you become a married woman, but it seems like your heart is more eager for the actual hen do than your friends.

OP I get it’s disappointing and annoying. And it would have been far better for them not to say they could afford it in the first place. But people dropping out when it gets to the point of actually handing over cash is not unusual because there are a lot of typically human things going on here. Your friends will have wanted to come. Will have been optimistic about being able to afford it. Unaware of (or just minimizing in their heads) other expenses and commitments that cropped up in between agreeing and the time to cough up.

Try to temper your disappointment. You have a lot going on. You’re probably really stressed. And this is an easy thing to focus negative emotion on. But your friends still like you. It’s just a holiday they’ve realised is a bit much for them after all. Take a look at other options now and try and focus on all the good things that are going to be happening over the next few months. You can still have a fantastic Hen do. You can still enjoy your fantastic wedding. This is just a blip.