Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

OP, you're ticking all the boxes for bridezilla. You're having two(!) hen dos. One of them will last an entire weekend and the other one is abroad (and will presumably last even longer). You want to uninvite your own friends from the wedding because they won't pay hundreds of pounds to attend one of the two hen dos.

A wedding is supposed to be making a commitment to your husband-to-be, not temporarily becoming a princess or celebrity.

How much extra is the beach thing ?

To me that’s the key. I earn decent money and DH and I have our finances split so we can each enjoy a bit of independence. However I do not enjoy other people dictating how I spend my money and would pull out quickly of any situation where it seemed likely this would happen.

Genuinely bemused by the attitude I’m starting to see a lot on threads on here (from both the bride to be and hen attendees’ POV) that the hen is, as a pp said, a ‘qualifying round’ for the wedding, or that a wedding invitation is the reward for having attended the hen.

OP, I think you're being a little quick to dismiss the spiralling costs here. Beach beds/clubs are very expensive. And you don't know that the organiser isn't adding yet more expense by making suggestions you're unaware of.

I'd look into that before assuming that five of your friends got together on a whim and decided they were backing out!

You say it's the "done thing" and always been popular. The novelty has probably worn off by now. You've all been there, done that, getting older, settling down, priorities changing. Just tone it down a bit.

it sounds like maybe you need to talk to one of your friends, or the organizer, and see what's going on.

So these friends are already paying to fly abroad for your wedding, and you and your bestie thought it would be reasonable to have a UK AND an abroad hen do?

Anyone going to yournwedding and abroad hen will also be wanting to go to the UK one so they don't miss out, so they are effectively doing 3 things formyour wedding. Have you costed that out? Plus outfits, kittys, covering your share, hen costs, wedding gifts, accommodation, food and drinks. How much is it?

Two hen dos is ridiculous. How did you decide who got invited to the abroad one? Is it like an A list and a B list?

I suppose we all may be coming from our own financial perspectives ergo shocked.

@Dayna87 if all your friends are 100k+ high flyers, then I understand your disappointment.

However, if they're early/mid careerists, perhaps the additionals are too much of a stretch?

They're either friends, or not, wrt their wedding invites, it's for you to decide.

eta; just saw your update, bit of a drip feed @Dayna87 (or was it just me who missed)? It's a destination wedding too?

"I know they’ve already booked flights for it and accommodation"

Fucking hell. I didn't catch that. What a piss take.

It's a destination wedding, too. Bloody hell. Your friends must be absolutely loaded.

My friends are mainly career women with good jobs and little commitments, I know abroad hens aren’t for everyone but at the stage we are all at in our lives it’s the ‘done thing’ currently and has always been popular.

amazing - you now have sufficient knowledge of 5 friends financial situations to make a judgement call as to whether they can afford it or not.

Also - is attendance at your wedding requiring people to book flights and accommodation also???

The price has gone up. The question is, by how much?

There has to be a cut off point and I think that's what has happened. The organiser has gone over budget so only has herself to blame.

I am SHOCKED to my core to hear this! I never would have guessed the OP was the type of person to expect people to go abroad just to watch her get married!

utterly ridiculous. what is it nowadays with the 'home' hen do and the 'away' hen do.

jeex people have better things to spend their money on than YOUR wedding.

you sound completely immature and a poor friend to not 'get' it

People feel pressured into agreeing to go to expensive hens because they don't know how to say no, seen in on MN & Reddit so many times. Yes, they have probably chatted and realised none of them really have the money (or perhaps leave) for the hen do. Your attitude about uninviting them to the wedding speaks volumes, no wonder none of them were brave enough to tell you until they had back up.

I know I can’t really uninvite my friends from the wedding, I said that out of frustration and I know they’ve already booked flights for it and accommodation so I wouldn’t be so cold for them to lose out on that.

So your wedding is abroad too???
Wowsers!!!

Hang on, the wedding’s abroad? I think that’s your answer. People will be tallying up the total cost of the hen and wedding and just thinking ‘this has gone beyond the % of my salary and annual leave I’m willing to put towards this event’.

They could have decided they want a summer holiday instead

I bet this ends up in the Daily Mail.

Lol dangling wedding invites as a reward for toeing the line.

They can't afford it. End of.

How much extra is the beach club? Why were you so set on adding it?

Could that be the straw that broke the camel’s back? Already a stretch and then they think you’re being demanding about the back club and pissed off they’re expected to pay more?

I think you are being very unreasonable, but by all means uninvite them if you want to write off the friendships.

Op you are never going to get objective responses on here. For some reason on MN anything like a hen party/baby shower etc is like a red flag to a bull and you will be flooded with posters stuck in 1987 where anything more than a night down the local pub is excessive and spoiled and you are being ridiculously inconsiderate to have even invited them to your hen....

FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable to be annoyed that the friends have dropped out after initially agreeing to come. If the price hasn't changed other than one night out where they'd get the money back in food/drinks anyway then yes it's a bit annoying to drop out - anyone who has ever been on a hen will be aware that there will obviously be some sort of activity (even if just a meal) that will incur some additional expenses beyond flights and hotel. For the sake of a few quid it's a silly reason to say they can no longer afford it - surely if this was the only reason they could have just not come to that bit?

I agree it seems unlikely that all 5 have somehow had unexpected large expenses that have made all the difference between being able to afford it or not.

You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed that you made the effort to go to their hens and they aren't reciprocating, nor to be annoyed that they've caused your best friend a lot of faff and wasted time as 5 people dropping out will change the plans/budget. It also would have been nice if they'd contacted you to let you know.

However it would be unreasonable to not invite them to the wedding. People's circumstances do change and while it would have been better if they had just said they couldn't afford it at the start, at least they've confirmed before anything has been booked, at which point it would start costing other people money to make up the shortfall.

If you disinvite them to the wedding accept you'll basically be ending the friendship. These are people who are apparently your closest friends - is this one issue really enough to end a friendship over?

I sense that there’s a lot of ‘keeping up with the Jones’s’ going on with your hen events OP.
Just because two of your friends went abroad for theirs doesn’t mean you have to follow suit surely? You left the planning to your friend who originally had it all in hand but now things are turning sour and you want to uninvite people from the wedding because they can’t afford your hen!

Let's be a bit realistic can we?………will someone please tell me why all these fancy hen do’s are so necessary? Why have two when one will do? Why spend loads of money when you can celebrate just the same back in your homeland? Why put so much pressure on yourselves and everyone else just for a hen party?

Don’t be a sheep and follow the flock.

You said they’ve already booked flights and accommodation for your wedding - are you having a UK hen do, a hen do abroad AND a destination wedding with them invited to all three?!

If they’re your close friends, I doubt they all pulled out without a second thought about the impact on you. They probably said yes with the best of intentions but can’t square the cost with their other commitments.

They’re also not obliged to come because you went to their hen do abroad; people’s priorities and circumstances change. Your wedding is one of the most important events in your life but it isn’t the same for everyone else.