Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

But why should he be uprooted? His family home is going to significantly changed - extra person in the household and living space no longer available. He needs his room more than ever, a sanctuary.

@CarraghInish Your parents were undoubtedly very generous and it's good that you recognise this.

However, your circumstances sound entirely different to the OP's step daughter. You had your own home as a married couple and moved in with your parents only because of very specific circumstances (Covid pausing renovation work). You had a home to go back to.

No-one appeared to have been getting turfed out of their bedroom into the living room to accommodate you for an unspecified period of time. So there was obviously sufficient room and you mention your parents even had an en suite.

Finally, this OP doesn't even appear to trust her step-daughter enough to save for a deposit without having her parents breathing down her neck.

So in what ways do you think the two situations are comparable?

I think you need to consider what the status quo will be in two years time.

They'll have lived rent free for a long time, loads of 'spare' money for savings. Probably still having a fairly comfortable lifestyle in terms of disposable income too. No responsibility really.

Then the two years is up and boom, total change of life and lifestyle. Moving out, paying for everything, responsible for everything. Suddenly they'll feel really skint even if they aren't really, just compared to what they're used to.

Is this really fair on either of you? The transition when they DO move out is going to be such a shock, no matter how sensible and responsible you think she is.

Not judging parents who couldn’t. Yes judging parents who wouldn’t.

Realistically if you have to give up living room space then your house is not big enough to accommodate everyone. Good idea to agree 6 months rolling basis as it will be very hard on everyone. You cant ask to see their bank info. Are you worried they wont save? If so thats a red flag..

I dont understand why people dont have a home sorted before having a baby!

This just has ‘recipe for disaster’ written all over it.
I struggle to understand when many types of contraception are free why people fall pregnant without any thoughts to their living arrangements.
Women pre 1970 died in their thousands because of a lack of reliable, safe contraception - yet (some) young women today seem so blasé about it, even when they cannot afford a roof over their own head.

OP - it’s your life, your home & your family.
It sounds like my idea of hell but if it works for you, good luck to you all.

I’m guessing the baby wasn’t planned, especially if they’re having a long distance relationship.

Wonder how long they’ve been together? What were their plans prior to the pregnancy? Was it a committed long term relationship, or as this baby thrown a spanner in the works?

Does the boyfriend actually need to move in? Is this a luxury they can’t afford or is practical? Would he be better off renting a room nearby? Or could they rent some where together?

Recipe for disaster is right. With the best will in the world this is not going to work OP.

Has your stepdaughter ever lived with her partner? That transition alone never mind doing it with a new baby, new job (for him) and having Turfed her parents into the living room sounds like it will be far too much.

It would be better for all relationships, not least your stepdaughter and her partner if they move out and start a new family in their own place. It won’t be as nice as you giving them a room rent free and babysitting on tap, but it could save their relationship on the long term.

This has disaster written all over it.

Being clear they need to have a plan to save - fine.

Inspecting their bank statements - not fine.

But they don’t have to buy right away. People rent in the early years.

@CarraghInish I would definitely support my DC in this situation, I’m just not sure that I’d do what the OP is proposing.

Why does the partner have to move in, for example? I think I’d do what @LobeliaBaggins says and let my DSD and the baby live with me while they can save and plan to get their own place. Especially if I had such limited space.

As others have said, they’re adults and they’ve decided to become parents, they need to sort this out.

Good luck. I always think if you give something you give it without conditions or don’t give it offer it.

I have explained it will be on a 6 month rolling basis.

I think this is a good idea, as having a baby in the house may be more challenging than you imagined but I you need to have a set date in mind too.

Are you all happy having a toddler or school aged child living there too or would the plan be for them to get their own place a lot sooner then this.

I knew someone in a similar situation and the baby stage was actually the easiest (they thought it would be the hardest crying through the night etc).
As soon as the baby turned into a toddler it became really difficult because the entire home had to be toddler-proofed, there were toys, high chairs and more mess from food being chucked about and stuff.

She hadn’t given her DD a time limit to leave and tbh the DD got used to having people there to be a helping hand with the child (as well not having to do as much cooking, cleaning, gardening etc) and basically the DD accused the mum of kicking her out and it all got very messy.
The only way they made up was when the mum let her, her partner and child move back in.

Their finances are none of your business. You set a deadline for how long they're welcome to stay with you, they buy their own food and pay their share of the bills. They do their share of the household chores. Done.

This is wise. Set a very firm deadline for leaving and get them to sign something. They pay 100% for their own food and pay their full share of bills. I would also very strongly suggest you charge them rent (or call it savings if you prefer) which you hold for them and then they get it in two years. Otherwise I suspect you strongly risk them saving very little.

You need to make sure you are not out of pocket at all (like some pp have been who have lived experience of this), especially as you are giving up your living space for TWO YEARS. Which is bonkers, by the way, if you don't mind me saying.

I'd also make very clear what your role will or won't be regarding childcare.

Sorry but this will be a total bloody disaster. For a few weeks it could work but months/years ? Where will you store all your clothes and personal items? Etc etc They are adults. Adult enough to get pregnant with no viable plans in place and no stable home environment. They need to actually grow up and stand on their own two feet. Better scenario would be to pay a deposit on a one bed flat for them because surely to goodness if they are both working they can manage that? I would never dream of expecting or accepting my parents moving by out of their own bedroom. In a few months we will be reading on here how badly it all went down and relationships broke down

I totally understand the need to help in this situation, However, this is the epitome of setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I don't think that handing this couple the master bedroom in your house and giving up all privacy is actually that helpful to them in the long term, either. It isn't supporting them to become independent, but encouraging dependency. You are basically handing your house over to them, and working around them. They will become accustomed to having that.

You will have 4 adults, 1 child and a baby in a 3 bedroom house. That's a lot, but when you look at it as being effectively 2 separate families, the potential for conflict becomes very high indeed.The expectations regarding childcare, clashing ideas about how babies should be cared for, and just differing ideas about how a household should run/what the household rules ought to be, can cause real tension.

I think you're mad to consider this TBH. It's understandable to want to help, but giving up your room for 2 YEARS to a couple establishing themselves not only living together but with a new baby?? Im sorry but I just can't see this working out for any of you. I would seriously reconsider other options.

I totally understand the need to help in this situation, However, this is the epitome of setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I don't think that handing this couple the master bedroom in your house and giving up all privacy is actually that helpful to them in the long term, either. It isn't supporting them to become independent, but encouraging dependency. You are basically handing your house over to them, and working around them. They will become accustomed to having that.

Exactly this. This may sound like amazing help and support but you’re throwing the privacy and sanity of three people away to prop up the lives of two adults and a baby. It doesn’t make any sense.

I feel especially sorry for your young son.

Can DSD stay with you (just her and baby) in her room until her BF finds a place to live? Can her mother help?

Because they are crammed into a small space with no privacy & no room to breathe? No physical freedom, can't lounge in your pants, can't cook/eat what you want.

Assuming everyone is reasonable then higher workload in the home due to extra people.

I don't doubt at all there are ppl who would take advantage but I see no reason to assume that's the default position

No reason at all to assume everyone is reasonable 😆

My parents let my boyfriend move in when I was pregnant (I was 25) and we managed in my tiny childhood bedroom until we moved out two months before our son was born (rented, not mortgage).

We both had to pay 1/4 of our take home wages as housekeeping - but for rher ir was our washing done, meals cooked (as part of family meal - if we wanted anything specific that was up to us to pay for and sort out). Was expected to help out with normal household chores as I had been anyway. They didn't ask to check our banks statements- but tbf, we weren't living there rent free.

Ground rules were to respect the rest of the household (which we did anyway!), help keep the house clean and tidy (which we did anyway, we were grown adults!), and if we didn't want to have dinner or were going to be back late, to let them know.

I would absolutely not have expected (or let!) my parents to have given up their bedroom for us. They would have happily let us live there as long as we liked but we knew that we couldn't manage in my bedroom with a baby, and we did want our own space so that gave us the push to save up and find our own house as soon as possible.

But she isn't your daughter, she is your boyfriend's daughter.

You are sacrificing your own son's home living conditions for her, her own boyfriend and unplanned baby.

Your own dc will suffer as a result of your decision to do this. 4 adults sharing 1 bathroom and kitchen, no living room or communal space, a baby crying all hours...

You are going to impose an awful day to day situation on your 12 year old, yet all you want to know is will it be unreasonable to check their bank statements.

Jesus.

@emmatherhino It all depends on the people involved, doesn’t it. You respected your parent’s home and didn't have ridiculous expectations like moving into their bedroom.

I know people irl though who’ve taken advantage of their parents’ generosity for literally decades (I’m 50) so the OP should be cautious. I hope her SD and partner turn out to be like you.