Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

I actually agree with you, and was tempted to put a bigger amount in my figures, but thought I would go bare minimum.

Are you saying that your bedroom will be in the living room for the next two years? Do you have another reception room, or will the living room be the family room during the day? If so, that's gonna be so difficult.

Good luck to you all.

What horrible mothers you previous posters are. OP, you and your husband sound wonderfully supportive. 23 and pregnant with a man she is not living with, it’s not exactly planned, is it? You are giving all you can to help a new baby and a new mother have a stable home. It is very weirdly British I think that everyone has this idea that intergenerational living cannot work unless you live in a castle where everyone has their own wing.

Me and my husband lived with my parents for 9 months after my daughter was born. (Covid paused work on our renovations on our own home). We had one bedroom for the three of us and we shared a bathroom with my younger sister. My parents had an en suite so that was very helpful.

We did things like set up a TV and a kettle in our bedroom so we could have some space, and avoid crowding my parents in the living room. We agreed on a routine for kitchen use and shopping/cooking. We all did our own thing for breakfast and lunch and then we had a rota of who was cooking dinner, and we ate together as a family. We paid a weekly contribution for bills. Most of our belongings were in storage during that time to avoid crowding their home with our stuff.

She was my baby and I was always the primary carer, but it was absolutely brilliant for her to have a close bond with grandparents too. They would take her for a walk or for a cuddle or even offer to let me nap or me and husband to go for a walk on our own, ALWAYS AT A TIME THAT SUITED THEM. You are in control of how much you offer to do in terms of baby care.

In 2020 all the baby groups were cancelled of course and we were home all the time, but we made it work by using our bedroom as our own living room too. From this point of view it makes sense for your stepdaughter and partner to have whichever room is bigger, as that will mean more privacy for all of you.

You don’t know how the birth will go and how she will cope afterwards, but you can ask her to take the initiative and make sure she agrees to check out playgroups, breastfeeding support meets, swimming lessons, baby massage, postnatal exercise programs… whatever gets her out of the house and part of the community of new parents in your area.

If you only have one bathroom the adults should try to agree a schedule for access in the mornings and evenings, and everyone will have to leave the place clean when they finish so nobody gets annoyed about showers and toilets. Of course stepdaughter will need some help or flexibility with this in the first 6 weeks after giving birth. They should have two washing baskets in their room, one for baby and one for adults, and they should always be in charge of their own laundry. Always in their room never lying around the house. A heated airer for their room too to help keep on top of laundry if the weather is bad. They need to buy their own detergents.

I can’t think of anything else just now, but I think you are wonderful parents and I wish you all the best.

as someone who had an unexpected pregnancy and zero support in that. Can I say how lovely it is your giving them this gift of a head start. We’ve privately rented ever since and it’s such a waste. How things could have been different with just a little support.

as someone who has mid - late teens you need to make sure your son isn’t impacted too much by this, and can still have his friends around. If you’re in the living room that could be an issue. So I would look at something like shed in the garden as a den or something for them to have their own space as they get older.

other things I can see being an issue is if you are struggling with it and then you see them spunking money on takeaways etc. your going to resent that. Another way of managing it would be charging rent but saving it for them, but, it’s going to feel a bit controlling on them.

I wish you luck because if it works it could be lovely.

∆ This. Where is the baby going to sleep / play during the day? Where is your 12 yo going to watch TV at night? As PP, if you are sleeping in the Living Room and SD/partner are up with the baby in the night, you are going to be disturbed.

A word of advice here, always ask her if she would like you to help with the baby and if she says no, accept her no with grace. Babies are endlessly fascinating as you know so try not to hover or offer advice unless she asks, and let the young couple find their feet as new parents and especially to enjoy their fourth trimester.

You’re very kind. I hope they appreciate you ❤️ I think you should ask that they pay you “rent” which you will then save and keep for them to use as a deposit. I think that’s the only way really.

What nonsense. Why fake a health condition? Why not simply say it’s no longer viable rather than lying and causing someone to worry about your health? Do you frequently advocate lying about such things? Weird.

I did the same for my daughter
Gave them the main bedroom
They were taking two long showers a day each ,huge water bill
I was buying their food for meals
They were buying loads of expensive snacks ,fruit and ice-cream that I couldn't afford to buy for everyone else , putting it in the fridge and saying it was theirs .
He even set his gaming equipment up in the spare room,put shelves up and was running a fan all day and night as he was hot ...no one else had a fan as we couldn't afford the bills for everyone to run a fan all day .
The final straw ,was
He packed his job in to have time for himself because he wasn't paying any bills and thought he deserved some free time.
Was a nightmare
Never again

It's interesting how women are called horrible mothers for having boundaries or god forbid, wanting a bedroom of their own.
And as I said, I am not British and spent my early life in an intergenerational household. Babies out of wedlock to people with no jobs are unheard of, if you want to be so non-British.
Intergenerational living does not mean setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Do you have another reception room? Large kitchen/diner maybe? If so should be manageable but I’d put them in the living room so you can escape to your room away from a crying baby. But you know your house best.

I wouldnt leave them to save it. Charge them rent. They can have it or say 75% of it plus whatever interest you got when they leave.

I had a family member and partner move in while they had a baby, didn't ask for rent (bad move!). They utterly took the piss out of us. Fucked off on holiday leaving dirty nappies on the kitchen table. Then decided to go straight from that holiday to another one leaving us in the lurch when they were meant to have come back and dog sat for us. They left all sorts of things with us while thanking us for enabling their itinerant lifestyle. In the end, we told them in no uncertain terms that the time had come for them to find their own place. You'd have thought they had been asked to sacrifice the baby. This was a couple in their 40s and we have space.

Doing it in a small house as you describe will be even harder. And definitely not long term sustainable. I suggest that if you go ahead, charge them rent, put it aside and save it for them. Without telling them. Then when it gets too much, you have a ready made deposit for them to rent elsewhere.

Oh dear, you are very judgmental. Your username suits you!

You would say that, given you lived with your parents with a baby. Perhaps they didnt feel able to say no to you. Would be more useful if GPs sharing with adult children commented.

I have an adult DS living at home and I would be furious if he had a baby withiut being able to support it, judgemental or not.

I've not asked for opinions on my daughters situation regarding her relationship.

I for one am not married and never have been. I see marriage as an outdated tradition with no real place in today's society.

At no point have I said neither of them work. This is a presumption on your part, a wrong one may I add.

Yes, you do seem like the furious type.

Tell them you're plans, show them this thread, if it were me I'd not be moving in...

@Charalf I meant this to be helpful to you. Sorry for sidetracking your thread by answering back to other comments. I think you can make it work if you are all on board.

Judging by the other comments most people don't agree with your post shaming mothers who don't give up their bedrooms for no rent, while still having a child at home. Easy to call hardworking parents horrible, less easy to actually do it.

@Charalf , I understand wanting to support your children advance in life, but these are not the circumstances under which you give up your bed.

She can remain in her bedroom and they work out how they'll reduce their belongings enough to fit - maybe rent a storage unit to store some. Babies need not take up a lot of room, and especially room you don't have.

I fear making it too comfortable for them extends thos past two years. And you should charge them rent, and save it for them. That plus what they've saved should set them up nicely. They're now parents and that comes with sacrifices for them too.

Personally I would never agree to sleeping in the living room for that length of time for anybody. I might allow them to have our bedroom for a specified length of time and they would also need to have the baby in there with them. I would only do this if it was possible to put a small double (3/4 bed). in the box room so that I and DH at least had a private place to sleep/have a private talk in/maybe put small TV on wall. What would be a reasonable board for two adults? For me it would be non negotiable for them to send that amount (or maybe half of that) to my account be direct debit so that I can save it for them. I would want a definite end day in sight and plenty young people are notorious for burning money away and you don't want a year to go by with nothing saved and no end in sight. You would then know that this amount at least was in the saving pot. You are being very generous with both your home and finance in allowing them to live with you rent free. Why shouldn't you expect something in place that both helps them and shows and ends in sight ...if they don't like this ..or think it's infantilizing them they can always rent and pay all their own bills. 😁

So they work @Charalf but cant afford rent, I guess.
In which case take a lower than market rent and save it for them.
That's the only thing you can do really, if you want them out by the time your son does GCSEs.

I'd do this for a 16 year old but not a 23 year old.

You sound very judgemental of parents that wouldn't/couldn't do this for their children. You were the recipient of such generous behaviour by your parents so you will obviously be in favour of it. However, it sounds as though your parents' home was much bigger than OPs, everyone was able to sleep in a bedroom rather than sleeping downstairs in the lounge and your family had two bathrooms.

OP is doing a very kind thing for her step-daughter but most people would only make this offer if there was room for everyone to have a bedroom.

Surely it will be better for your son to move to the box room than to have you living in the living room without a space to retreat to?