Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

Presuming the step daughter has worked since 18 (and not gone to uni as she has lived with you). Have you charged her any rent until now? What’s her money management like? Has she got any savings?

Shes effectively been working for five years, so saving a hundred pounds a month (minimum) means she should gave at least five grand saved now. If not, then unlikely she’ll change now, and will continue living of bank if mum and dad.

In this econmy and living rent-free? I wouldn't count on it.

This is a disaster , one sure way to all fall out 😕

Well that's where boundaries and presumably 18 years of raising a sensible young adult comes into play...

In the kindest way possible, I suspect this will be awful. I lived with my parents for 6 months after my daughter was born (skint student, unexpected pregnancy) and was pretty miserable. It took years for our relationship to recover. The partner and baby really change the dynamic!!

I just noticed you also have a 12 year old. Jeezo, this plan is more bonkers than I thought! Talk about unfair on a nearly teenager. You’ll never see him, he’ll either hide in his room or go out to avoid the ensuing chaos. Poor kid.

It's not very sensible to get pregnant and move into your dad and stepmum's bedroom with your child's father, who will have to look for a job because he relocated.

I think you’re mad to do it at all. Giving up your bedroom in particular is crazy - they surely go in the living room rather than you? You need to maintain your privacy and space to yourself.

If you have no choice but to let them stay, I agree with saying take rent on the basis you will save it for them. So you have control that happening without having to invade their privacy. That’s the only way it will actually happen.

Well you’re a braver or more stupid person than me! Have you really thought through the intricacies of this? It doesn’t sound as if you have a particularly large house, so where’s the pram going to go? Baby gym/walker etc etc etc?
And what if you want to watch the TV in the lounge but they’re in there with the baby on a play mat or something? Will your 12 yr old spend more and more time alone in his room? All things to really, really consider.
If they’re going to be in a position to save for their own place then I think I might have been considering to maybe subsidise any rent they need to pay on a flat or whatever if there’s a shortfall.
Also, how well do you know the partner? What if he’s messy and lazy and gets on your nerves after a while?!!!

Perhaps. But this help has been offered, not demanded or expected. For all we know they were happily planning on paying rent.

I would
take rent and put it away for them.
be very clear about what childcare you can offer, if any.
make sure they do their own chores
agree timings for the kitchen and bath ( though that will be hard).

I would ask for rent while they're living with you. You can then gift it back to them when they need their deposit.
This ensures they will save money.

To be fair, people from other cultures don't usually get married out of wedlock, still living at home to someone who doesn't even live anywhere near you.

She should have at least 20k saved if she's been working and living at home this whole time, and not paying for anything. What has she been doing with her money.

This is an absolute shit show waiting to happen. I wouldn’t allow the partner to move in. Absolutely not.

I know. But to me it's less about the rent and more about actually accepting this plan, which will inconvenience everyone in the house. Moving your partner into your parents' bedroom, while they sleep in the lounge? That's not sensible, regardless of it being offered.

How do you know she doesn't have savings already? Houses are expensive these days. Even £20k doesn't cover deposit, stamp duty and fees.

I think it's pretty sensible actually. More sensible to accept help, set yourselves up for the rest of your life than to throw money down the drain on rent...

You just don't have the room to do this and if this pair are daft enough to be having a baby undr these circumstances it doesn't bode well for their behaviour going forwards

If you're going to press ahead with this mad, bad and dangerous to know plan, the 12 yo should definitely be going in the box room for the duration and you and hubz or the SD and her boyfriend take his room.

No chuffing way would I be sleeping in the living room to accommodate this pair.

As PP have said, a big no to scrutinising their bank statements. Either you trust them or you don't. If you don't, don't even consider having them live with you. They'll never leave and you'll end up in a shed in the back garden.

But you are uprooting him. Because the family room won’t be the family room anymore, it will your bedroom.

Crazy!

I would be giving them the living room and staying in your bedroom. Why are you downgrading your quality of life - surely if the living room is good enough for you it’ll work for them?
I couldn’t help but feel resentful if I had to do this for a month, let alone two years. What happens if they need more time to save? How will childcare work?
Is the whole thing on the understanding that if you find it’s not working for whatever reason, you can call time with no bad feelings?

This has disaster written all over it!
Giving up your room.?
New baby in the house?
Step daughter and partner?
Not taking rent (you can save it and give it back)

Have you really thought this through?

I'm like you @Charalf ,super generous even if it puts me out; I did something similar a few years back (even down to switching round all the rooms in the house) and it caused major issues...it was fine in theory but the reality was hellish for all concerned.

In your shoes, if I could afford it I'd offer to loan them a deposit which they'd need to pay back monthly. I don't know where you are in the country so I don't know how high a deposit might be, or of course, your financial situation.

OR I'd be charging them rent and putting it aside and STILL expecting them to save on their own. On this basis I would have a very clear timescale, not "maybe" one or two years. Count it in months, and make it very definite.

I know you want to help, and that's great, but...