Stepdaughter and partner moving in with us

[Charalf]

My 23 year old step daughter has lived with us for the last 9 years

Her partner currently lives the other end of the country, and they are expecting there first child. We have said he can move in with us for the next year or 2. Rent free as long as they save for a house deposit.

We will need to give up our room for them and relocate to the living room as her box room won't be large enough.

I want to put some ground rules in places but unsure what. They will be doing there own shopping each week.

Am I being unreasonable to ask they show us statements regulary they are saving?

Yes that's exactly it

It was drilled into us that we respected that there were other people in the house and my parents were doing us a huge favour - and that if we fucked about, that favour would immediately be taken away. They didn't have to tell us that because neither of us would have taken the piss.

I think by giving up a bedroom is where the problem is - much easier to get too comfortable if you have space, whereas we had to make do with my childhood bedroom, and it was like it or lump it - so it gave us the push to get our own place as soon as possible.

My partner and I had both been together for 8 years as well, so my parents knew him and liked him so that helped as well, and my parents would have no hesitation in telling us to pull our weight or go if we had been arses. There would have been no fannying about - we were old enough to have a baby, we were old enough to act like adults.

Could you get a pod for the garden & use that as extra living space? Maybe give DS the box room to sleep in but he has Xbox & chill our space in the garden?

Ahhh we have a 'Marriage is just a piece of paper' person.

Please say that to my friend who's boyfriend of 17 years has just died in a motorbike accident, leaving her with their two kids and having to move out of their home because it was his, and nothing to show for their relationship because he didn't have a Will.

It's no more a piece of paper than a passport or a driving licence.

You've received some solid advice on here but don't seem to want to heed it, even from posters who've done similar in the past and lived to regret it.

Why do people think this young couple deserve financial privacy?

They are having a baby without being prepared to house themselves. The parents are going to sleep on the living room and allow their home to become overcrowded for at least 6 months and likely longer. The entire point of this inconvenience is for the young couple to save enough for a deposit during this period.

Why shouldn’t the parents get to be sure that the sacrifices they are making are worthwhile? If no deposit is saved, what was the point?

I feel quite sorry for the 12 year old. Is there actually another living/family room? If he brings friends round will they have to confine themselves to his bedroom as the living room no longer exists?
Even if it's made back into a living room for the day time I still don't understand where all your clothes and stuff will go, as surely DSD and her boyfriend will be using space in the bedroom.
I feel like your plan for this to last just two years is short sighted and I worry about the impact on the 12 year old of having a crying baby around in cramped living conditions. He will be starting his GCSE years, will have important homework to focus on and will be living in a home with a lot of disruption.
Someone also said about the bathroom, presumably there is one main bathroom, possibly a second toilet? How will you all cope getting ready and making sure son is ready for school and the adults are ready for work?
Also do you work? Will DSD see you as free childcare? How often will you be stepping in to help? And will your help always be wanted? What if it appears one night they can't settle the baby and they are crying non stop - do you go in to help or would that be interfering? I think you are crossing too many boundaries.

By the sound of things you won't need to worry about them not moving out, you flatter yourself. I'm certain they'll be moving away from you as soon as is humanly possible.

Charge them rent and save that up for them?

@Gustavo77 You think they won’t like living with the people who are providing them with a home? Do you think that the OP should be doing more for them? !

And she’s not even her step daughter at that .

The ignorance about the legal contract of marriage is frightening.

The OP doesn't sound financially comfortable given that they live in such a small house.

It’s a remarkably poor decision. Old enough to make a baby, old enough to rent their own home and save up. Poor boy who will live with this arrangement.

Marriage is a legal contract that very much has a place in todays society

I can assure you I have read every individual comment on this post and sat with my partner and discussed everything mentioned.

I come from a home where my parents have been married for almost 50 years, so it's not an opinion that has come from bad experience just more personal choice.

This being said, I have been with my partner for 20 years and can assure you when it comes to our wills etc this is all set up correctly. This was something I only mentioned due to others comments regarding there thoughts on pregnancy out of wedlock and passing judgement on this.

People saying she is not my step daughter due to me not being married to her dad, whilst i may not be in the traditional sense of the word, living in the same home, her choosing to call me mum and bringing her up as my daughter counts for something in my eyes. I'm extremely grateful for the relationship I have with my non-daughters mum and we both see having two mums in your life who love, support and care for her as a true blessing,

And I can only hope every person on here with step children can say the same

.

can assure you my financial situation is extremely comfortable, we own our home outright and only lack a dinning room, second living area due to this being extended through with our kitchen.
I hope this puts your mind at rest

Well, posters have given you advice to take a low rent and save it for the couple. What do you think about that?

Why are you lacking a room for your step-daughter then?

If you’re so well off and you’ve been together 20 years, your DSD would have been 4 and should have had her own room.

Why are you lacking a room for your step-daughter then?

If you’re so well off and you’ve been together 20 years, your DSD would have been 4 and should have had her own room.

Thankyou for your comment. My plan is to use the box room for our wardrobes etc.
We also have a large kitchen/dinning room where we tend to spend our evenings and a converted games room at the bottom of the garden where my sons friends all spend most evenings, so we are used to a full house.
Both me and my partner work full time and have already discussed that we are unable to commit to regular childcare. SD mum has already made arrangements to drop her working days to offer childcare on a weekley basis as is self employed and can be flexible.
Somethings I perhaps should have mentioned but I became preoccupied with comments from people so head strong in the fact help shouldn't be offered and all of whom it would appear have had there lives go according to plan and never once found themselves in a situation they have not fully prepared for.

She does have her own room but this room would not accommodate a standard double bed/baby things. She currently has a 3/4 bed in there.

We are not lacking space for my step daughter at all, just trying to plan for her partner and child to potentially move in with us aswell

This is something we have spoken about, having spoken with SD partner last night - he has said he would not feel comfortable moving in and not contributing, he has asked this is money we do not save for them (as my SD suspected we may do if they paid rent) but use towards running of the home.

My posts on here may not have explained myself very well.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to read my original post and add there views and experience as these have all helped me in the decision I am making.

My son has been very much part of every conversation we have had regarding this and I feel confident in his ability to speak up at any point.

Ah sorry, been away from thread.

Is the box took tiny?

It's cosy for 1, my SD until now has always preferred the small room as in her words - it's less space to keep clean and means she's unable to hoard things which she would do given the opportunity. Unfortunately though it's not big enough for 3 or for a double for me and my partner along with our wardrobes etc.

I've discussed lots of options with my partner last night.

Matching the deposit they manage to save to speed up the process.

Looking into buying a house and renting it to them, with the rent they pay being signed over to them in equity at a later date further down the line and giving them the option to buy the remainder.

I'm not sure of the legalities of these and other options we both mentioned so need to look into things further.

My partner has recently gone self employed and due to the set up costs of this we are not in the position of having the avaliable money at present to gift/lend a full deposit for a house.

Why not add storage to the living room and you and your husband sleep in the box room? You might be in bunk beds, but at least that way you would have privacy?

OP - esp given your updates, this really does all sound very reasonable & I think you guys are going to be fine. Sounds like you actually have more living space than certainly I had assumed.

Sometimes, for no obvious reason, threads like this can get weirdly personal & verging on toxic. I stand by my initial post even more confidently now.