New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

You could say that about anything ,I had two brief flings when I was in my late 20,s with older men one was 13 years older than me and the other 10 ,
Neither of them.lasted because we were not suited but nothing to do with the age gap ,we were both adults when we met
If the man in question had known the 20 year old when she as 8 that would indeed be icky but they were both adults when they met.

I don’t understand why though. People grow up.
In the OP’s case, if it bothers her of course end it, she doesn’t need to explain. But in general it seems an odd way to look at it.

And when he was 20, OP was 16...

He didn't tell the OP though - she found out from his friend's gf.

Edit: Sorry @bluedelphinium didn't see your reply until after I had posted mine!

Quite. When my ExH was 8 I was 14. He was in sixth form (NOT in my school) when I started teaching. We met when I was 26 and he was 20 - we were both adults then (and in fact I was the youngest woman relative to his age he’d ever dated).

Eh? A bit of a shagger because she had 2 flings in her late 20s? And this somehow affects her moral compass?
When is your sainthood coming through?

Agreed my sister's partner is 7 years older than her so when she was 13 he was 20 ,but she was 48 and he was 55 when they met 😂

Wether I was or not is irrelevant to this ,
And I have been with my husband for 20 years who.is incidentally 18 months younger than me.

Here was me thinking the papal conclave didn't start 'til tomorrow.

The way they met is a bit gross.

I had a 'fling' with a work colleague over 10 years my senior when I was not much more than twenty myself...simply because I fancied him more than any other available man of any age in my orbit at the time and i loved his company. There were no power dynamics at play and he hardly seemed ancient to me...we were both single.

However, I made the mistake of telling the next guy I dated when we were discussing previous relationships ...he said it was disgusting and would often bring it up as a stick to beat me with thereafter. In retrospect the 'fling' was a far healthier relationship than the one that followed with a man my own age.

Which is nothing really. That’s exactly the point.

It’s predatory by definition. She was a student barely out of her teens interning at his workplace and he was a man in his 30s. You couldn’t really get more inappropriate than that without breaking the law.

Cause a scene?! Jesus.

Just keep quiet little woman, don’t worry your silly little head with “thoughts”, let alone risk upsetting your partner by expressing them!

Imagine lecturing a woman on patriarchy and then attempting to insult her by calling her ‘a bit of a shagger’.

OP, he has a bit of the creepy sleaze about him.
12 year age gap? You bet he has.
It would change how i see him for sure.

Yes. Someone who was a 20 yo student when he was a much older employee. This isn't from the stance of an employment tribunal but a new partner wondering whether he's a good prospect. I was mainly saying I acknowledged where the OP was coming from. Depends how she feels about it and him in the round but I get why it hasn't left the best impression. Somewhere between 'shocked and appalled' and 'totally unremarkable'

That is far too young. 20 is just out of school and in college. He was a 32 year old grown man. I'd feel the exact same. Uneasy and he likes them young.

It's four years out of school that's hardly just out.

It's five years away from breaking the law there is a huge difference in a girl's of 15 and adult women who are 20.

This is gross. Also how is two flings “a bit of a shagger”?

I will say OP - what we think is irrelevant. If you are uncomfortable with it you are not obliged to date him.

This, exactly.
OP...there are mature 20 yo and immature 32 yo. Unless you know the 18 yo personally, there's no way to tell if he was predatory but if the situation doesn't sit well with you, you'll lose respect for this guy and should move on.

Fucking much older men is not a feminist action. Duh.