New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

No.it's not ,my dh, has an older daughter with a women ten years older than him
And why do you think adult women shouldn't be able to decide for themselves if they want to date an older man?

To.you maybe but not everyone has the same life experience,s as you .

Not 12 but my mother is 7 years older than my dad and met when he was 21 and she was 28...

Shagging an intern would be a disciplinary matter at my workplace. Really poor judgment.

Not when they had the fling. She was a summer intern, fling was at Christmas.

Even months after she’s stopped being an intern? OP says she was a summer intern and the fling happened at Christmas.

You sound incredibly patronising OP. The moral ethics of a 32 year old man shagging a 20 year old female??? There is nothing morally wrong with that.

You are making out there is this gulf of maturity between you and she. You’re 28, so if she’s a foetus, what are you? An eight year old??

I get that you are not attracted to 20 year old men. I wouldn’t be either. But at 20 I was having flings with men well in to their 40s. Younger hot women, like older men who are good looking and have a few quid. It’s nothing new. You are making out she’s 12.

I’d put you both in the same bracket - young women in their 20s. You’re insinuating he’s some kind of paedo. She’s twenty!!

But if you think it’s morally wrong and it doesn’t sit right then call things off.

I’m with you, OP. It’s grotesque.

MN is weirdly pro age gap relationships. And a quick read of most of the posts illustrates that many of the people in question have absolutely no idea what a healthy equitable relationship looks like.

Anyway, fortunately you don’t need them to agree with you. YANBU. I’d dump him.

Well.no ,people just have a different view to you
They are both adults and free to do what they want ,fwiw,my dh,18 months younger than me so no large age gap
Calling it grotesque is wildly OTT.

Personally I don't think it's quite grotesque. She'd already left the internship after all and was an adult.

I do, however, think he should have kept it to himself as it is a bit borderline unsavoury to be telling a new girlfriend.

To me that's what shows poor judgement in context of this relationship (I also think it wasn't great judgement either in itself).

I think there is some space between 'this was absolutely degenerate behaviour' and 'not ideal on paper even though we really got on and were adults and not a direct report at the time. Treat with discretion'.

You don't get the power dynamics inherent in ages gaps, men choose much younger because they like inexperienced women/girls, they can impress them easily and they fall for their shit.
When I was 18-20 I was with a 32 year old. I was manipulated and gaslit. Took years to recover. Almost every age gap when the woman is much younger has turned out to be abusive.

I'm delighted his friends GF ratted him out. If it was n big deal he'd have told his new gf but he hid it, for good reason. I'm sure he will turn out to be a sleaze.

OP, some of the comments are nasty.

My opinion is similar to yours, I would be concerned of repeat behaviour towards interns in future.

Ah ignore me, I missed that bit that the friend's GF told her. I actually agree. It doesn't sound like the behaviour of a great bloke at all. I know that's a bit contradictory. I think my feeling on this isn't that he's necessarily the worst person in the world but I think this reflects his maturity and decision making and ideas of probity in the current world.

When he was 20, she was 8

🤢

Yes but she's not 8 now 🙄

In sorry for your experience but other posters are saying the exact opposite so you cannot speak for all age,gap relationship,s only your own.

You are projecting because of your own experience.

Yeah I wouldn't like that, and I've always been disappointed when I found out a bf had a big age gap relationship. If someone was 30 and the partner was 45 it wouldn't bother me. But 20? Too young.

Nope you're wrong.
Statistically, 90% of AGR are older man younger woman. If that doesn't concern you then I don't think you're aware of power dynamics within patriarchy.

Almost every? I think it definitely can be, but to say it almost always is abusive is a bit silly.

Going out with someone younger who no longer worked with him reflects in his probity?

And?

And it’s giving ick

Don’t be ridiculous , when I was 8 my husband was 15 so what , I didn’t meet him then , when I met him we were both adults with careers . I doubt when this man was 20 he wanted to go out with an 8 yr old .