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Original poster

New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

353 replies

Sroia · 05/05/2025 21:46

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/05/2025 10:33

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:29

Fucking much older men is not a feminist action. Duh.

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Did she SAY fucking older men was a feminist action?

People are talking about your use of misogynistic, shaming language towards another poster.

x2boys · 07/05/2025 10:34

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:29

Fucking much older men is not a feminist action. Duh.

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It doesn't have to be the two men I had brief flings with were because I was attracted to them nothing else ,
You are extremely narrow minded and very rude to anybody who doesn't agree with you .

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:47

x2boys · 07/05/2025 10:34

It doesn't have to be the two men I had brief flings with were because I was attracted to them nothing else ,
You are extremely narrow minded and very rude to anybody who doesn't agree with you .

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Bla bla bla

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:49

JHound · 07/05/2025 09:55

I will say OP - what we think is irrelevant. If you are uncomfortable with it you are not obliged to date him.

Perfect response

x2boys · 07/05/2025 10:50

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:47

Bla bla bla

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Maybe grow up.A little bit you are coming across as very immature.

Whatevernext9 · 07/05/2025 11:00

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 10:29

Fucking much older men is not a feminist action. Duh.

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Does it hurt when you think?

Slut shaming is an anti-feminist action.

cardibach · 07/05/2025 11:35

SerialChillers · 06/05/2025 23:12

It’s predatory by definition. She was a student barely out of her teens interning at his workplace and he was a man in his 30s. You couldn’t really get more inappropriate than that without breaking the law.

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It was months after she stopped interning. ‘A man in his 30s’ you say. Like she was a ‘woman in her 20s’. Stop infantilising students.

cardibach · 07/05/2025 11:36

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 00:29

Yes. Someone who was a 20 yo student when he was a much older employee. This isn't from the stance of an employment tribunal but a new partner wondering whether he's a good prospect. I was mainly saying I acknowledged where the OP was coming from. Depends how she feels about it and him in the round but I get why it hasn't left the best impression. Somewhere between 'shocked and appalled' and 'totally unremarkable'

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She wasn’t working for him when it happened though. Hadn’t been for months.

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 11:44

cardibach · 07/05/2025 11:36

She wasn’t working for him when it happened though. Hadn’t been for months.

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I don't get your point. So there has been a time buffer between the previous date and partner's fling. I know.

As I say, this isn't about that, it's about how she feels and that isn't about whether the fling was a few months after or at the time she was working. If It feels 'off' or a bit borderline then it's an emotional response and it's perfectly acceptable to either take some time to process that or make a decision on the relationship based upon it.

cardibach · 07/05/2025 11:47

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 11:44

I don't get your point. So there has been a time buffer between the previous date and partner's fling. I know.

As I say, this isn't about that, it's about how she feels and that isn't about whether the fling was a few months after or at the time she was working. If It feels 'off' or a bit borderline then it's an emotional response and it's perfectly acceptable to either take some time to process that or make a decision on the relationship based upon it.

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Well yes. She doesn’t need a reason to end a relationship. I was responding to your comments about employees an employment tribunals.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/05/2025 12:05

Dancingintherainxxx · 07/05/2025 00:42

That is far too young. 20 is just out of school and in college. He was a 32 year old grown man. I'd feel the exact same. Uneasy and he likes them young.

Well it’s out of school, two years of sixth form or college, then two years in to a degree at university….so not really just out of school at all.

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 12:25

You kept mentioning about how they were no longer working together. That isn't the point. It's nothing to do with the fact she was no longer an intern by a few months. Some people will feel this age difference and how they met is unsavoury. Some will think it can be looked past. It really isn't one that can be argued over definitively. I would personally probably not think he needed putting in the stocks (assuming he treated her well etc) but I would be put off a relationship.

There is nuance for many between 'who cares, he followed company rules?' and 'it's brinkmanship in terms of what I want from a decent man of this age group '.

Maybethisallthereis · 07/05/2025 12:26

It was a fling and she was legal.

Perhapsanothertime · 07/05/2025 12:27

If you’re not happy with him, leave him? That’s your decision to make.

I don’t feel much different now in my thirties to when I was 20. I wasn’t a hooligan or an immature young adult so I haven’t noticed a change. I have dated older men most of my life, starting at 19. Got with someone a couple of years younger from mid twenties to mid thirties, now back with an older guy 15 years older than me. I have no interest in younger guys either.

Different strokes isn’t it. I can’t see an inherent issue with it, you know the guy so you’re best placed to decide if he just met a girl he liked or whether he was trying to take advantage.

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 12:47

Maybethisallthereis · 07/05/2025 12:26

It was a fling and she was legal.

And not everyone thinks it's neutral that their new partner thinks 'who cares, she's legal'. It's a bit of a 70s attitude. Point is, it's pretty normal that the OP is put off or reconsidering.

Deckings · 07/05/2025 17:11

The fact is that he is looking at very young women and thinks they are fair game.

It is not unreasonable to be put off by this.

I had a couple of flings with older guys when I was 20-21. Fun at the time for sure, but upon mature reflection I think they were a bit sleazy, and I sure as hell wouldn't like it for my daughters.

Decent guys aren't cruising for very young women, more than a decade younger than them.

Creeps do IMO, even though they may not present as creepy.

SomeDanceToForget · 07/05/2025 18:23

bluedelphinium · 07/05/2025 12:47

And not everyone thinks it's neutral that their new partner thinks 'who cares, she's legal'. It's a bit of a 70s attitude. Point is, it's pretty normal that the OP is put off or reconsidering.

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Saying someone is ‘legal’ is just grim. It usually used by pervs.

TheRubyPoet · 07/05/2025 18:50

SomeDanceToForget · 07/05/2025 18:23

Saying someone is ‘legal’ is just grim. It usually used by pervs.

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Porn lingo. 'barely legal' 🤮🤮🤮

Dancingintherainxxx · 08/05/2025 00:25

x2boys · 07/05/2025 09:45

It's four years out of school that's hardly just out.

Edited
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We leave school at 18 in Ireland!

mmsnet · 08/05/2025 00:55

youre the one with the issue, leave him to find someone less judgemental

Original poster
Sroia · 08/05/2025 12:02

Deckings · 07/05/2025 17:11

The fact is that he is looking at very young women and thinks they are fair game.

It is not unreasonable to be put off by this.

I had a couple of flings with older guys when I was 20-21. Fun at the time for sure, but upon mature reflection I think they were a bit sleazy, and I sure as hell wouldn't like it for my daughters.

Decent guys aren't cruising for very young women, more than a decade younger than them.

Creeps do IMO, even though they may not present as creepy.

I think that’s where my head is at.

i don’t want to be with a man who is crushing for very young girls. I know that my exes would not have done that. And I appreciate them having those boundaries.

OP posts:
bluedelphinium · 08/05/2025 12:11

SomeDanceToForget · 07/05/2025 18:23

Saying someone is ‘legal’ is just grim. It usually used by pervs.

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Yeah, the language is gross.

cardibach · 08/05/2025 12:12

Sroia · 08/05/2025 12:02

I think that’s where my head is at.

i don’t want to be with a man who is crushing for very young girls. I know that my exes would not have done that. And I appreciate them having those boundaries.

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You don’t need a reason to end it, but saying he’s ’crushing for very young girls’ is a weird way of putting one fling with a young woman. He’s had zero relationships with girls, very young or otherwise, has he?

x2boys · 08/05/2025 13:00

Sroia · 08/05/2025 12:02

I think that’s where my head is at.

i don’t want to be with a man who is crushing for very young girls. I know that my exes would not have done that. And I appreciate them having those boundaries.

Show quote history

20 is not a very young girl.it's an adult women , your neighbour sound like she ,s a young teen and she's not
But if you don't want to continue the relationship that's entirely your prerogative .

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