New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

I think yabu but we all have our ick...you found yours!

I think it's a bit weird that so many posters are insistent that there's no difference between an older couple dating and one with this age and seniority gap who met at at work. It's not infantilisation, it's accepting that things such as exploitation exist and gaps in maturity and life experience exist (not saying that exploitation happened here). It's a sound decision.

Agree, my flings 35 years ago weren't with colleagues, but even then it would definitely have raised eyebrows.

Looking back I was definitely a willing participant, BUT I agree thnow completely that there is something whiffy about men who find pursue very young women a decade plus younger.

I know of several long term relationships like this in real life, decades long and there is always something slighly off with the dynamic.

The man is boss, often slightly parental like, has final say on the big decisions particularly in the early years, definitely a bit controlling.
As the women matured they definitely pushed back but it always lingers in the background.

Very off IMO.

I think a lot of 20yr old women at uni are confident in themselves and know what they want. The age difference bit didn't bother me as such but how they met was a bit off in my view. That's very much an imbalance /power and wouldn't sit well with me.

Not clear at all. You have got no idea how he acted. I know a young woman who had a fling with an older man and he was very controlling in the short time they were seeing each other, which is the reason it was only a fling as she ended it. It affected her for a long time afterwards and she only ended it after her mum and older sister overheard him manipulating her and then it all came out. She could very easily have been with him longer. People can be controlling even in short relationships/flings. You’re very naive if you think they can’t be.

Wouldn’t bother me. Men mature so much slower than women, mentally they were possibly about the same age. I work with some 50+ men who still behave like they are 15. I knew exactly what I was doing when I was 20 and wouldn’t have thought twice about having a fling with a man in his 30s, providing he was single. If he was controlling, he’d have been told to do one.

Now you are just changing the narrative for some bizarre reason
Going off what the Op has said it was a short term fling no mention of anyone being controlling
Just because you know Someone who met Someone,who ,very controlling whilst in a short term relationship
Doesn't mean that this is what happened in this situation other than in your mind .

An average 47 year old will have a lot more life experience than an average 20 year old though so it’s relevant.

I’d be more concerned with the fact that you’ve been seeing someone and they’ve had a fling with someone else in that time and you’ve had to find out from someone else.. that may be how things are now but to me that is grim, and is a red flag for what he thinks is acceptable in a potential relationship.

the age gap would not bother me at all, if it was a fling with no strings attached and no future, why would it matter what 2 consenting adults do, but if it was while you were seeing each other and he’d kept it quiet I’d end it now, it shows a real lack of respect imo.

i also think how you’ve come to find out is suspect, if it was a relationship that was before you why is it relevant and why were you even told by a third party?

I think the "fling "happened before the Op got together with him??

This is such a grim reply.

Why is a 20 year old a prize? I wouldn’t want to be with someone so young, they look like kids to me even when I was 30. I couldn’t get past it

Well that's you
maybe they just fancied each other they are both adults despite some posters insistence ,she ,is vulnerable and doesn't know her own mind
and they had a fling no big deal.

It really is. A few years ago, one of my partners friends, who was 35, split with his 36 year old girlfriend and started dating a 21 year old. My partner and the rest of his friends were disgusted at how he acted and the way he talked about her. They backed away from the friendship pretty quickly so were certainly not green with envy.

That’s the right reaction and the normal one. There’s something very wrong with blokes and women who do this. And yeah the green with envy bit.. why would someone who was a teenager not long ago be a prize? Unless you’re a pervert

@Sroiai would feel exactly the same. I'm shocked that most people think YBU. I have studied age gap dynamics and it's grim.
I'm sorry you met a guy you really like and then found this out. You're not overreacting, you will always wonder how many other girls he's been with or is lusting after.
I don't think he'll agree that what he did was sleazy because men who do this just use the 'legal' argument as they don't have the moral compass to understand why it's wrong.
I know women who've been in love with men they subsequently discovered had very young exes and the men refused to see it as a problem, often getting quite nasty when confronted about it.
Lots of men don't shag the intern just because they can. You deserve a better man.
In future, try to have the conversation early on, after a couple of dates, say you know a guy who's shagging a 20 year old and watch his reaction.
You're right to dump him. Best of luck.

Maybe, but 'they have only just made it official' seems to imply to me that when this fling happened, they were 'unofficial'.. otherwise why mention that they are official now? If this was before OP even started seeing him it is not relevant at all whether they are official or not?

And more importantly why has a girlfriend of one of his mates even told her about it? What has she got to gain by gossiping about his love life, "pre-OP", or could it be that now they are 'official' she thinks that OP should know what he was up to while seeing her in the beginning?

It all sounds a bit odd to be honest, him seeing a 20 year old briefly could be the least of her worries, if he is not being honest with her.

So you've not even brought it up with him? It's unreasonable to refuse to hear his account of what went on. Who knows, maybe he ended it with the 20yo himself because he realised he was uncomfortable with the age gap, and that the whole myth of "younger women are a prize for guys" is just that, a myth.

Pervert ??
it's an adult women not a young teen you are being ridiculous

Of course it’s perverted, why else would the older one be interested in someone so young?

Go.on explain how it's perverted?
she's not a child 20/is very much an adult you can't decide it's not just because you want to
here's a thought maybe they just fancied each other ,it happens between adults ,and then realised it wouldn't work ( for whatever reason ) long term

i don’t want to be with a man who is crushing for very young girls.

Your insistence on making him sound like a pedophile because you're sore that he had a fling with a 20 year old woman, makes you sound petulant and quite frankly jealous.

You need to quit the 'very young girls' lie and definitely don't say it in real life, because that's how rumours start and you could end up getting his head kicked in.

Ahh I’m guessing you’re in a large age gap relationship hence the defensiveness. Most people judge it, sorry.

No she sounds normal, this is how most people think. There’s something wrong with people who don’t like people their own age.

Then you would guess wrong im, 51_and my husband is 50 he's 18 months younger than me and we have been together 20 years
Calling an adult a pervert for having a fling with a fellow adult minimises actual pervert ,s
And it makes me think you are very young and don't know much about real.life?