New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

Google suggests a person can legally leave school.at 16 in Ireland is that not correct?

You can legally leave school at 16, yes. But it’s unusual to do so. The vast majority stay through senior cycle and sit the Leaving Certificate, the equivalent of A Levels (though more like IB in range and number of subjects).

Is there nothing for the less academic pupils ?
In England we have have colleges which offer course ,s for post 16 at all levels .

She was 20

Not a "very young girl"

A lot of men like younger women, that doesn’t mean that they don’t like older women too

So the next guy that you go out with may also like younger women but may not have had the opportunity to go out with one

But I also think a lot of guys just wouldn’t go there re dating a 20 yo. And that’s the sort of guy i want to date.

Ive kind of made up my mind. Still thinking it over for the rest of the day to be sure. But I kind of think it makes us incompatible

Do you think a 45yo man dating a 33yo woman would be unacceptable for example, These kind of age gaps are very common….

You're definitely incompatible. What's left to think about?

Yes that’s not a problem. A 20 yo is in a completely different life stage to a 32 yo.

OP, I find your age group wildly judgemental on age gaps when both parties are adults.
And twenty is an adult, despite the absolute determination to extend adolesence to middle age now.

Clearly you have a,problem with this and I don't like the language you are using because you are infantilising, an adult women and trying to insinuate it is bordering on something depraved
However you are entitled to finish the relationship for any reason.

I don't think I was particularly more mature at 28 than I was at 20. Maybe that's unusual? I was still living at home at 28, just as I was at 20. THAT isn't particularly unusual in this day and age, I don't think. Sure, I was working a full-time job at 28, but at 20 I was juggling part-time work AND study.

I think if there was a Leonard Di Caprio pattern of behaviour here, I would find it equally off-putting. But if the boyfriend has only had a fling with a single 20 year old (that I know of), I'd probably be less inclined to write him off.

What's important though is the OP isn't happy and sees this as a red flag. Hence she should bin him off and they can both go and find a more compatible partner.

You can break up with anybody for any reason.

That said 20 and 28 is hardly dodgy, the relationship didn't go anywhere they presumably had some fun then went separate ways.

There's 7 years between me and my partner and nobody notices at all. Yet I have a friend from my wider group who is 11 years younger than me and I hardly know how to talk to her there is just too much generational differences. It entirely depends on the people involved, how mature they are for their age, life experience.

At 20 this girl knew what she was doing, was free to make her own decisions and shouldn't be treated as a child. She is a grown up. I highly doubt he was taking advantage of her and he obviously isn't a predator or he would be persuing much younger women again instead of dating you.

I don't think I was particularly more mature at 28 than I was at 20. Maybe that's unusual? I was still living at home at 28, just as I was at 20. THAT isn't particularly unusual in this day and age, I don't think. Sure, I was working a full-time job at 28, but at 20 I was juggling part-time work AND study.

Yes I don't think I was that much of a different person at 28 to 20 - I'd moved out of home at 18 and was self-supporting from that point onwards.

I can't imagine that I'd have felt somehow preyed upon or exploited by a consentual sexual encounter, and I'd have felt very patronised if that had been suggested to me.

I'm 32 and feel at a completely different life stage to a 44 year old....

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either OP. The relationship was likely to have a power imbalance and I couldn’t be attracted to someone who was ok with that. I think older people that have relationships with young adults often don’t want an equal relationship, they don’t want to be challenged and they want to be in control. It’s unattractive and concerning.

well majority of people on this thread say 20 and 28 yos are exactly the same

Then don’t date them. However, lots of 32 year olds wouldn’t be too dissimilar to a 44 year old. I certainly haven’t changed much between those ages, but I changed a lot between 20 and 32 which is why people see ann age gap where one is only just an adult as an issue.

*some

Plenty of 20 years olds aren't too different to themselves at 28

And to me at 32 (and in my friends) I can see us as people clinging to the last vestiges of "Youth" compared to a 44 year old who feels like a "proper" adult

Which is my point - people are at different life stages by ... being at different places in their life rather than their age

I’ve never known anyone who isn’t very different at 20 than they are at 32. The experience that you get between those 2 ages, from just adult, to having been an adult for many years shapes you. Some men look for young women that they can control and mold to what they want because they don’t want an equal partner.

But clearly this man didn't as it was a fling not a relationship.

I'd also find myself incompatible with him @Sroia

You also only have his word for it what happens. He calls it a fling. What would the 20 year old have called it?

A fling🤔

Grim.

It's predatory (and he was in secondary school when she was born!), has a power imbalance and would have me questioning his emotional maturity (why the fook is he relating to a 20 year old woman as a man in his 30s? Ick) amongst many other things.

Her being st uni is neither here nor there. Im 47 and at uni ( post grad but still).