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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

157 replies

CalmReader · 05/05/2025 19:31

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 20:03

You could just stay and be friendly co-parents as you have been. Many people would. But you’ll continue to feel there’s something missing, living a half life where you’re unfulfilled and that eats away at you. You’ve got years left to find someone whose clothes you want to rip off every time you see them. And don’t you think your husband deserves that too?

The main risk here is finding someone you fancy who doesn’t treat you as well as your husband does if he’s a good man. So choose wisely. You also have to be ok with being single as that’s a high possibility too.
FWIW the best sex of my life was after my divorce, not before. I don’t regret my divorce for a second.

BeansCounter · 05/05/2025 20:13

Do you think that you could work together to bring it back? Is the lack of intimacy driven by you?

I'm not sure I would give up what you have for sex and desire. It's really personal, isn't it. Like the previous poster said, you've got to be prepared to be happy on your own too.

From what I understand from single friends, it's a shit show out there when dating. I don't know if I could face that in all honesty either. I'd much rather try and reconnect first, if that then doesn't work then plan B.

ExtraOnions · 05/05/2025 20:16

Sexless does not automatically mean Loveless.

Me & DH Love each other, we have a lovely life, we laugh everyday, we spend the time so well. We don’t have sex anymore though, we are still affectionate, and I don’t feel like our relationship is worse for not having sex.

He’s a good man, not easily found.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:20

Nope, I’ve never once regretted leaving. Am blown away by how nice being single is. The peace, the freedom, the complete lack of negativity in my life. Having sampled singledom as a proper grown up, is is extremely unlikely I would ever choose to live with a man again. I was actually thinking today, the only reason I’d date again, is sex. Because without sex, I find the company of females much better.

shalamakooky · 05/05/2025 20:20

I work would on intimacy / sex / date nights / dressing up / date night / surprises / stepping out of the comfort zone / games etc

after a child it gets a bit dry , even no kids and been together years, you both get complacent sexually

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:22

Just reading through the comments, it’s so often that people think the comparison is this, or a different man. No. The comparison is this, or single.

shalamakooky · 05/05/2025 20:22

Therapy

Also look for couples therapy worksheets online (TherapistAid). Helps you dig deeper

(I’m a therapist)

Friartruckster · 05/05/2025 20:25

I think people regret leaving less if they are realistic that they may be single for an extended period of time. In that time, it’s possible to consider a relationship has a wider base than simply sex.

Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:47

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 20:03

You could just stay and be friendly co-parents as you have been. Many people would. But you’ll continue to feel there’s something missing, living a half life where you’re unfulfilled and that eats away at you. You’ve got years left to find someone whose clothes you want to rip off every time you see them. And don’t you think your husband deserves that too?

The main risk here is finding someone you fancy who doesn’t treat you as well as your husband does if he’s a good man. So choose wisely. You also have to be ok with being single as that’s a high possibility too.
FWIW the best sex of my life was after my divorce, not before. I don’t regret my divorce for a second.

That’s what worries me, I don’t want to spend my life missing that but what if I can’t find it? Would I be giving up my life in the hope of finding something and ending up single, I think in that instance I would regret it. It’s all the what ifs that I’m struggling with!

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:49

BeansCounter · 05/05/2025 20:13

Do you think that you could work together to bring it back? Is the lack of intimacy driven by you?

I'm not sure I would give up what you have for sex and desire. It's really personal, isn't it. Like the previous poster said, you've got to be prepared to be happy on your own too.

From what I understand from single friends, it's a shit show out there when dating. I don't know if I could face that in all honesty either. I'd much rather try and reconnect first, if that then doesn't work then plan B.

I genuinely don’t know, how do you get that back? We’ve tried for years, I know things are different with small children involved. We spend time together, just been away together and it’s still not there. The lack of intimacy is definitely driven by me, he says he still finds me attractive and the spark is still there for him. That’s sadly not the case for me and I just don’t know how to get it back!

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:49

ExtraOnions · 05/05/2025 20:16

Sexless does not automatically mean Loveless.

Me & DH Love each other, we have a lovely life, we laugh everyday, we spend the time so well. We don’t have sex anymore though, we are still affectionate, and I don’t feel like our relationship is worse for not having sex.

He’s a good man, not easily found.

No definitely not easily found, but in this stage of my life I don’t want a sexless marriage and neither does he

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:50

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:20

Nope, I’ve never once regretted leaving. Am blown away by how nice being single is. The peace, the freedom, the complete lack of negativity in my life. Having sampled singledom as a proper grown up, is is extremely unlikely I would ever choose to live with a man again. I was actually thinking today, the only reason I’d date again, is sex. Because without sex, I find the company of females much better.

Thanks for sharing, were you in the same position as me with lack of intimacy, or no attraction?

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:52

shalamakooky · 05/05/2025 20:20

I work would on intimacy / sex / date nights / dressing up / date night / surprises / stepping out of the comfort zone / games etc

after a child it gets a bit dry , even no kids and been together years, you both get complacent sexually

We’ve tried a lot of this, it’s me that’s the issue, I do not want to be intimate with him. We’ve tried all sorts but the attraction doesn’t seem to be coming back for me, which makes me really sad! Perhaps I need to try again, but certainly right now I have zero sexual desire for him, and haven’t for a long time

OP posts:
babystarsandmoon · 05/05/2025 22:52

Sometimes regret is the knee jerk reaction that comes with change but it doesn’t mean it’s a mistake.
I felt it and wanted to run back to what I was familiar with but I stuck to my decision and in time recognised that it was for the best.

Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:54

babystarsandmoon · 05/05/2025 22:52

Sometimes regret is the knee jerk reaction that comes with change but it doesn’t mean it’s a mistake.
I felt it and wanted to run back to what I was familiar with but I stuck to my decision and in time recognised that it was for the best.

Thank you for sharing. I’ve not done adult life alone I’ve always been with him, and I think that’s what scares me more than anything!
Were you in the same position as me?

OP posts:
Silsatrip · 05/05/2025 22:54

Would therapy for yourself be an option...do you find other men attractive, did/does he do something than you unconsciously find such a turn off.

Tiedbutchorestodo · 05/05/2025 22:55

My first marriage was much worse than you’ve described and if I had my time again I’d have stayed and worked at it more. The upheaval, the upset for my dd (despite an amicable split), the financial implications, the difficulties of “new” blended families etc etc.

There are much worse basis for relationships than a good kind man. Sex drives are likely to fade as you get older and familiarity comes to any relationship - friendship is much more enduring.

Original poster
CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:59

Silsatrip · 05/05/2025 22:54

Would therapy for yourself be an option...do you find other men attractive, did/does he do something than you unconsciously find such a turn off.

Definitely therapy for me I think, I was having therapy until last year for anxiety, but think I may need more!

OP posts:
Golightly133 · 05/05/2025 23:05

In my job I see lots of ladies who are divorced for one reason or another, I wouldn’t swap lives for a moment! The dating apps the dick pics the ghosting the ex wives blended families not to mention the custody battles sharing Xmas general upheavals honestly I would try and work it out with your dh - you said your self he’s a good man and dad maybe try therapy and see if you can get it back.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2025 09:30

Golightly133 · 05/05/2025 23:05

In my job I see lots of ladies who are divorced for one reason or another, I wouldn’t swap lives for a moment! The dating apps the dick pics the ghosting the ex wives blended families not to mention the custody battles sharing Xmas general upheavals honestly I would try and work it out with your dh - you said your self he’s a good man and dad maybe try therapy and see if you can get it back.

Edited

Has being single not occurred to you or them as an option?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 06/05/2025 09:34

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:22

Just reading through the comments, it’s so often that people think the comparison is this, or a different man. No. The comparison is this, or single.

No. The comparison is this, or a different man, or single. Three options, not two.

Swiftie1878 · 06/05/2025 09:35

CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:52

We’ve tried a lot of this, it’s me that’s the issue, I do not want to be intimate with him. We’ve tried all sorts but the attraction doesn’t seem to be coming back for me, which makes me really sad! Perhaps I need to try again, but certainly right now I have zero sexual desire for him, and haven’t for a long time

Show quote history

Has your libido gone completely, or just for him? Are you sexually attracted to anyone right now?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 06/05/2025 09:54

CalmReader · 05/05/2025 22:49

I genuinely don’t know, how do you get that back? We’ve tried for years, I know things are different with small children involved. We spend time together, just been away together and it’s still not there. The lack of intimacy is definitely driven by me, he says he still finds me attractive and the spark is still there for him. That’s sadly not the case for me and I just don’t know how to get it back!

Show quote history

The question I would ask is whether you feel sexually attracted to others?

Is it that you have no spark, or that you have no spark with him?

You don't mention having talked about it. And I would think that has to be your first port of call.

There are options:

  1. Rekindle your desire. Others on here will advise you no doubt, but I would suggest that it's very easy to become a "working pair" looking after house and kids etc, turning into colleagues, and having seen every smelly sock or holy knickers that you each possess.
Passion can be very hard in those circumstances but equally semis having a fulfilling life - so if that's your problem, you need to fix it fast.
  1. Find sexual interests outside the marriage, or with others inside the marriage - that has to be mutually agreed with no emotional blackmail. You may find that improves your sexual relationship with your DH purely because you'll both put effort into the act.
  2. Agree to carry on as now, but with intimacy instead of sex. I would warn you that long periods of self-pleasuring can make it hard to come back to each other as you will become used to sex being "just as you like it"

All of those require a good deal.of talking.

As an aside, I will say that if your DH were to post here about the lack of sex the response would be:
A. If they think he's a woman - have an affair or leave, you deserve better than a secrets marriage imposed by your partner.
B. If they know he's a man, he'll be told to suck it up and not pressure you.

My experience: separate bedrooms from about 35, arranged by my partner (on the basis of snoring apparently). I got the single bed :(
15 years later partner left.
1 year later partner wanted back, claimed had left so i would chase after them.
Partner then not happy I'd been having an affair for the last 4 years saying they could no longer trust me.
I wasn't blameless but that's where our sexless marriage ended up.

HeyThereDelila · 06/05/2025 09:58

As an aside, are you on any contraception? When I was on the mini pill my libido nose dived; worth thinking about that and any medication you’re on.

Not sure I’d be leaving a good marriage to a decent man and nice father unless you were genuinely totally miserable all of the time. Though if you’re not in love with him perhaps it’s fairer to him to let him go.

helpmeCalifornia · 06/05/2025 10:30

Can you live with shared custody, 50:50?

I've been in a similar place/ had similar thoughts - though never quite got to the stage where I had absolutely no romantic feelings or sexual desire for my husband. At times it's been buried pretty deep admittedly. We do tend to go through phases, and are working on it at the moment and looking into couples therapy. I've definitely given up on having the kind of sex life I once enjoyed/ would have liked though - for various complex reasons but also I'm older than you and it's stopped seeming like that much of a big deal honestly. May have felt differently in my 30s.

But for me, even when we were at out worst, there was no way I was sharing custody of my DD so that kind of made the decision for me.

I wouldn't ever have described our marriage as loveless though so maybe it's different. I also wouldn't blame anyone for making a different choice - it's very personal really. But I think if you leave, you need to be ok with 1) that you might only see your DC half the week/ half the holidays/ Christmas etc and 2) you might never find someone who ticks all the boxes, or you might for a bit and then after another X number of years you're back where you are right now. But of course - you would at least be free to pursue that, and may feel better living more 'authentically'.