Page 7 | To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

CalmReader · 2025-05-05T18:31:48+00:00

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation. My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal. But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner. We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it? He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again. I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away? Thank you for reading.

Roxietrees · 07/05/2025 13:32

Never2many · 06/05/2025 14:01

What I’m going to say likely isn’t going to be popular.

With the exception of abuse and infidelity it is selfish to just up and leave a marriage because you’re not fulfilled sexually.

Before you have children, fine, do what you want. But as soon as you have kids it stops being about you.

People seem to walk away far too easily these days. The divorce rate isn’t so high because there are so many unhappy marriages, it’s because people are now being given permission to not try at all, and as a consequence, nobody works on their relationship any more - they just leave.

And happy mum happy kids is just a platitude that people use to justify doing whatever they want, and often fucking up their kids’ lives into the process.

Divorce has an impact on children. Even more so if the family relationship was a happy one to begin with.

Being shunted from parent to parent, time spent in their own homes being referred to as contact time. Having to get to know new step parents, often more than one when relationships don’t work out. Being expected to get on with step siblings, to welcome multiple half siblings into two families.

People who talk here about how divorce was the best thing they ever did are usually people who have left abusive marriages or marriages where there was infidelity. But even then, divorce is hard. Being a single parent is hard. Having to potentially make decisions on your own, be the only one who looks out for the kids if the father doesn’t stay in the picture or if the kids don’t get on with his new partner, or if the new partner doesn’t want to be a step parent but he stays with her anyway.

You’re not going to be walking out of an otherwise happy marriage to a good man into a new sexually fulfilled life.

You’re going to be walking out of an otherwise happy marriage to a good man into a world of online dating, where sex is all the man wants, with messages full of dick pics, married men pretending they’re single in order to get laid, being ghosted after you sleep with them for the first time, or just being ghosted after first dates.

If a woman posted here that her husband wanted to separate because he wasn’t attracted to her any more she would be told that he was shallow, a horrible person, and almost certainly shagging someone else.

The only person you’re leaving for here is yourself. If you leave then you clearly don’t care about what it’s going to do to your children.

How are you going to explain it to them? “Mummy left because I didn’t fancy daddy any more and couldn’t see a life without sex.”? You can’t tell them that “mummy and daddy don’t love each other any more” because it’s not true. So if you divorce him, and the kids ask, you’re going to have to own it, and live with the potential consequences.

Agreed. I think you make some really great points. I think people are far too selfish these days and very much have an attitude of the grass will be greener. It’s all part of the increasingly greedy, instant-validation society we live in. And waiting till kids are older (eg. Young teens) isn’t better, in many cases it’s much worse.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and tbh it fucked me up - my mum left my dad for a much younger man, abandoning me and my siblings for a year and behaving like a giddy teenager in love for the first time - and expected us to be happy for her (there was no abuse in their marriage, she just wasn’t in love with my dad anymore). My dad became a monster due to being unable to deal with what she did - took it out on me, emotionally and physically abused me throughout my teens (when before he’d been nothing like this), I eventually started living part-time with my mum and new step-dad after their honeymoon period was over. He was a creep. He criticised me constantly and clearly didn’t want me around. I was constantly walking on eggshells and never had a home with my mum again, it was always “mum’s house”. I hated living between two homes, constantly lived out of a bag, had no emotional support- my mum was too wrapped up in her new man and my dad was too fucked up and just constantly shouted. I became severely depressed and started self-harming. My dad then moved in his new gf and her kids. Tbf I always got along with my step-siblings but my step-mum was a nightmare to live with, so then I ended up walking on eggshells in both homes and never felt either was my “home”. DSM was clearly a rebound for my dad - that dug her claws in - and my dad just settled for her despite how rude and critical she was towards his kids. He prioritised her kids over me and my siblings and I’ve always resented that. To this day I don’t have any “family” to go back and stay with - my DSM decided she doesn’t want me staying anymore, and my dad is too weak to do anything about it, and my mum’s husband no. 4 is awful and likes to hug me for a completely inappropriate length of time and kiss me on the neck. It grosses me out so much I refuse to go and stay there. The problem with step parents who come into your life halfway through childhood is they don’t love the child, they love the parent, so the child no longer has a loving, supportive home. I had especially bad luck with step parents, I’m sure there are some good ones out there but at the end of the day it’s still a strange adult invading your “home”, a place a child is supposed to feel safe and loved.

I’m not saying you have to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable but I think separating when you have kids should be an absolute last resort and the impact on children, and your future relationship with those children, should not be underestimated.

OhBow · 07/05/2025 13:47

@Flowerpie I understand exactly how you're feeling, and you're more sensible than I would be re: new man, as I think that even now I'm liable to rush in too fast, for the sense of connection I've lacked for so long.

The progress I've made in finding a home within myself and/or being able to imagine moving on and letting xh go, has been through a combination of EMDR, journaling, yoga, the sheer passage of time!, my own verion of Internal Family Systems, and leaning on friends - having fun is very healing and I've also poured out my feelings on whoever will listen.

It's got me quite far and I'm basically secure in myself now. Not saying you need to do all these things!

CharSiu · 07/05/2025 13:53

I went off my DH for about a year, it was the peri menopause. I actively disliked him at that point. He was exactly the same, it was me. I just wanted to get away. Well those hormones settled down and we are fully back on track. How old is your child? It can take a good couple of years for hormones to settle down after giving birth, plus as your on meds this could be affecting you.

Fedupcreative86 · 07/05/2025 14:33

A mixed bag of comments here. There seems to be this general belief that the choice is either a good but boring and passionless relationship, or a passionate one but toxic/hes a dick. That is simply not true. You just have to also be comfortable being single and resilient enough to refuse to settle until you find it.

You're only in your early 30s and already married with a young child- I'm getting the impression that you don't know much different so I can absolutely understand your predicament. I recently ended a relationship of nearly 8 years at the age of 38, but no children involved and not married. Same reasons- no passion, large age difference, but he also lied to me about his age and was wasting my years. Much, much happier being single and doing what I want now, built yes its different to being married with young children and possibly owning assets etc.

Fedupcreative86 · 07/05/2025 14:40

Also to answer your question, no, I don't regret leaving. Living in a passionless relationship with someone much older was something I just couldn't live with. You only have one life.

lazycats · 07/05/2025 15:06

Your replies strongly suggest there’s nothing to be done so you’ve answered your own question, OP. Must admit I feel a tad sorry for the DH who apparently hasn’t changed and still fancies you, but hey-ho. You wouldn’t be the first couple to break up due to lack of sex, you now just need to talk about how best to co-parent.

SwingTheMonkey · 07/05/2025 15:50

Roxietrees · 07/05/2025 13:32

Agreed. I think you make some really great points. I think people are far too selfish these days and very much have an attitude of the grass will be greener. It’s all part of the increasingly greedy, instant-validation society we live in. And waiting till kids are older (eg. Young teens) isn’t better, in many cases it’s much worse.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and tbh it fucked me up - my mum left my dad for a much younger man, abandoning me and my siblings for a year and behaving like a giddy teenager in love for the first time - and expected us to be happy for her (there was no abuse in their marriage, she just wasn’t in love with my dad anymore). My dad became a monster due to being unable to deal with what she did - took it out on me, emotionally and physically abused me throughout my teens (when before he’d been nothing like this), I eventually started living part-time with my mum and new step-dad after their honeymoon period was over. He was a creep. He criticised me constantly and clearly didn’t want me around. I was constantly walking on eggshells and never had a home with my mum again, it was always “mum’s house”. I hated living between two homes, constantly lived out of a bag, had no emotional support- my mum was too wrapped up in her new man and my dad was too fucked up and just constantly shouted. I became severely depressed and started self-harming. My dad then moved in his new gf and her kids. Tbf I always got along with my step-siblings but my step-mum was a nightmare to live with, so then I ended up walking on eggshells in both homes and never felt either was my “home”. DSM was clearly a rebound for my dad - that dug her claws in - and my dad just settled for her despite how rude and critical she was towards his kids. He prioritised her kids over me and my siblings and I’ve always resented that. To this day I don’t have any “family” to go back and stay with - my DSM decided she doesn’t want me staying anymore, and my dad is too weak to do anything about it, and my mum’s husband no. 4 is awful and likes to hug me for a completely inappropriate length of time and kiss me on the neck. It grosses me out so much I refuse to go and stay there. The problem with step parents who come into your life halfway through childhood is they don’t love the child, they love the parent, so the child no longer has a loving, supportive home. I had especially bad luck with step parents, I’m sure there are some good ones out there but at the end of the day it’s still a strange adult invading your “home”, a place a child is supposed to feel safe and loved.

I’m not saying you have to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable but I think separating when you have kids should be an absolute last resort and the impact on children, and your future relationship with those children, should not be underestimated.

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I’m so sorry you had that experience. I’ve vowed that in the very unlikely event my dh and I split up, I wouldn’t seek another partner until my children have left home. I’ve seen too many very, very unhappy children with step parents/siblings they haven’t asked for, forced upon them. My children’s happiness will always be a priority.