To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

[CalmReader]

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

Just noticed you say you want to feel connection with him, and desired, so maybe your lack of attraction is partly due to him not being romantic enough towards you? Like it's a response to him cooling off, rather than just you've stopped feeling it.

And maybe he has cooled off because he senses you don't fancy him anymore. Like it's a 2-way thing between you.

I wonder if some good relationship counselling is worth a try?

Unfortunately I think this is inevitable in most long term relationships (it’s happened to me in every one anyway). I don’t regret leaving my dc’s father but, what started out as a peaceful, friendly co-parenting relationship has become nasty and toxic, now with family court involved. I never in a million years thought it would become like this, sadly that’s the reality of many breakups where kids are involved though. Sorry, I know none of this is really helpful. However, I don’t think it’s impossible to co-parent peacefully if you really work at it - I know a couple with a 5 yo who separated a year ago but continue to live together as friends for the sake of their dc. It works for them, they get to maintain the family unit without the pressure of a relationship that’s not working. BUT I do have to mention that neither of them have new partners. They have both dated casually but nothing serious. I do suspect it might change when one of them gets serious with someone else. If you both have the personality types to separate and co-parent amicably and are completely on the same page about what you want out of the co-parenting relationship and work really hard trying to achieve that (my ex was not on the same page with what he wanted out of it) then I think that’s a better option than staying in a sexless marriage, especially as you’re young. I will say though, co-parenting is way harder and more stressful than I ever thought it’d be.

life is harder now but i dont regret leaving

Just to add - to echo what PP said, relationship counselling is definitely worth a go before you make any decisions. Although I’d personally avoid relate. I’ve used them twice and both times they were terrible!

This with bells on .I have a friend ( known her for 40 years) who decided she didn't want sex with her partner after having her second child. In the end she left him. The house they lived in belonged to his mother so he stayed there and she rented a house a mile or so away. She didn't want sex with anyone ever again, so slightly different to you, and assumed that he felt the same. It turned out that he didn't feel the same. The children lived with each of them 50/50. She had the idea that her life would return to the pre children life of parties and galleries and theatre trips, when she didn't have the children . Her partner was a chef when she met him and he'd been a TA at their children's school when they were small, as being a chef had awful hours. He did all the childcare, school runs, cooked fabulous food and did all the shopping for that food and everything else. He dealt with any sickness. Once she left she had to cook ( she lived on fishfinger sandwiches when she and I were students). She had to do all the things he had done during her 50%. It was a massive shock when the school rang her to ask her to pick up a vomiting child. The friends she'd had all had teen children and didn't have the time or money for wafting around town. Her partner's mother didnt charge a lot of rent. She now had to pay a commercial rent and she was skint and freezing( heating only on when the children were there). Her partner found a new partner . His new partner was a fellow TA at the school so my friend would arrive for the Christmas show and have to stand at the back whilst her partner and new girlfriend sat in prime seats at the front with their respective classes. When the children had birthdays the family celebration was at the partners home. But now he and the girlfriend were hosting and my friend was effectively a guest. She sat on the sofa she had chosen during the relationship, drank from cups she had chosen and had to ask before she went to the toilet because it wasn't her home anymore She'd thought they would live as some sort of brother/ sister relationship and both remain single. Her partner was in a band. On some of his 50% nights he had a gig or rehearsal . The girlfriend babysat the children. My friend absolutely hated that .Everything she went to the new couple were also there and she was a third wheel . You may not want him Op, but someone else will. Your lives will never ever be the same. Maybe that's for the best but you need to be prepared that it doesn't quite work out the way you think it will.

I didn't leave, I was left, and apart from a short 3 month period at the beginning I am soooo glad he left. I had an awful relationship though. And I was very very happy single, making decisions and breathing easy for the first time in 15 years. I am engaged now and I am the happiest I have ever been. I would not leave this relationship now for a lack of sex. I would try to work through it and then ultimately the care and companionship I have found now would be enough for me. Everyone is different though, but if I was you from what you have said, I would be doing as much as you can now to work through it as i suspect you will not find the grass greener on the other side.

OP, as you are technically separated now that means you could seek some ‘guilt free’ fun and see how you feel after that? I’m not sure how you’d seek this, but if you want proper no strings attached have you considered a male escort?

I didn't necessarily mean pick up a hobby, more could there be anything internal that's making you feel unsatisfied? We can't rely on other people to make us feel fulfilled, although yes you should receive love and intimacy in a marriage. It sounds like you're busy. If you doubt you'd have time for a hobby how do you think you'd juggle all that with dating and co-parenting?

I've gone through a couple of blocks of therapy (psychosexual and CBT) and although it sounds like a cliche, mindfulness and practising gratitude really makes a difference to your mindset. Your marriage doesn't sound bad or unhappy necessarily, you and your husband still love each other perhaps? Although more in a family way than sexual/romantic way? If your problem is an unhappy relationship then YANBU to consider leaving. But if you've reached your mid-30s and are starting to feel like there must be more out there... There probably isn't, honestly.

I asked before but you didn't answer. What makes you say your relationship is loveless? Sexless is a different thing. Before you separated was there any intimacy, hugs, touch, flirting?

My teenage DSD enjoys it now too but from the ages of 3 to about 10 she sobbed for her mummy quite regularly at bedtime (and probably vice versa for her daddy). I would rather stay in the sexless relationship at least until the teenage years than do that to my child.

My friend did. She felt like you, left, and within a year they were back together when she realised that actually it wasn't him it was other aspects of her life that she was unhappy with. I think they are happy now. I know she is but I'd wonder whether he is. When someone tells you they don't love you and want to separate that's a hard message to move on from.

Why don’t you park your sex life for a year or so and find happiness within yourself and your family. Be present. Enjoy the small things. Think to yourself, what if this is the last summer of all three of us together. How is it for you? For your daughter?

What I’m going to say likely isn’t going to be popular.

With the exception of abuse and infidelity it is selfish to just up and leave a marriage because you’re not fulfilled sexually.

Before you have children, fine, do what you want. But as soon as you have kids it stops being about you.

People seem to walk away far too easily these days. The divorce rate isn’t so high because there are so many unhappy marriages, it’s because people are now being given permission to not try at all, and as a consequence, nobody works on their relationship any more - they just leave.

And happy mum happy kids is just a platitude that people use to justify doing whatever they want, and often fucking up their kids’ lives into the process.

Divorce has an impact on children. Even more so if the family relationship was a happy one to begin with.

Being shunted from parent to parent, time spent in their own homes being referred to as contact time. Having to get to know new step parents, often more than one when relationships don’t work out. Being expected to get on with step siblings, to welcome multiple half siblings into two families.

People who talk here about how divorce was the best thing they ever did are usually people who have left abusive marriages or marriages where there was infidelity. But even then, divorce is hard. Being a single parent is hard. Having to potentially make decisions on your own, be the only one who looks out for the kids if the father doesn’t stay in the picture or if the kids don’t get on with his new partner, or if the new partner doesn’t want to be a step parent but he stays with her anyway.

You’re not going to be walking out of an otherwise happy marriage to a good man into a new sexually fulfilled life.

You’re going to be walking out of an otherwise happy marriage to a good man into a world of online dating, where sex is all the man wants, with messages full of dick pics, married men pretending they’re single in order to get laid, being ghosted after you sleep with them for the first time, or just being ghosted after first dates.

If a woman posted here that her husband wanted to separate because he wasn’t attracted to her any more she would be told that he was shallow, a horrible person, and almost certainly shagging someone else.

The only person you’re leaving for here is yourself. If you leave then you clearly don’t care about what it’s going to do to your children.

How are you going to explain it to them? “Mummy left because I didn’t fancy daddy any more and couldn’t see a life without sex.”? You can’t tell them that “mummy and daddy don’t love each other any more” because it’s not true. So if you divorce him, and the kids ask, you’re going to have to own it, and live with the potential consequences.

All of that is fair @Never2many and it’s obviously what the OP (and me) are struggling with. For me it’s been 3 years and I am struggling to look at a future without feeling desire. But of course, it’s the kids isn’t it. It always is.

How old are you both and are you sure he feels the relationship isn’t worse for not having sex?
many a time a woman has been ‘blindsided’ because they thought everyone was happy only to discover their dh was really not ok with not having sex and then someone showed him a little attention elsewhere.

I agree with @Never2many - life is tough for singles in the age of Tinder out there and your children will be affected. Your DH sounds like a good man, he could be snapped up really quickly. Your kid will have a stepmum and you will need to share your time with her. Actually, your chances of meeting another good man who is good in bed, single and childless is probably ca. 5%. I wouldn't do it.

It’s amazing how much emphasis people put on sex.

It’s nice when you are young but it’s not the be all and end all. I say that as someone who had a massive sex drive when younger.

I know so many couples who have a good sex life but the marriage is shit.

5% seems an overestimate tbh, 1 in 20 men are not good men and/or good in bed! And then add in straight + wants a relationship (specifically a relationship with you). Statistically probably not actually that likely. How depressing!

Well that’s fine for you to say, but I don’t consider it unimportant. People are different.

Maybe stay with him to be honest. Good men are hard to find at any age and gradually more so as you get older.

I find it suffocating staying in a relationship once the spark has gone though and have had to learn to accept perpetual single hood. That said I don't find most men bring enough to the table in relationships.

It is a big risk leaving as it may be you cannot find somebody as good as the one you have now. As my 2nd relationship was the best out of 4 main ones. That said I don't want him back either!

Good luck whatever you decide.

It doesn't have to be your life forever, but as an unhappily single mother I'd say hang on as long as you can.

Yes people are different.

There is not a man on this planet worth upsetting and messing with my DC’s happiness over.

It’s not about a man; it’s about your own inherent happiness, and grappling with how many years you spend sacrificing yourself for your children.

IME it’s getting harder to not have sex with him; we’re going to reach a crisis with this at some point.

Living on one income is immeasurably hard. I still don't want a man again but make sure you can afford to leave if you do go. My 2nd partner was stable financially and life was certainly the easiest I ever had it but I would have been miserable if I had stayed.

You mention anxiety and therapy - have you been or are you on Sertraline?

I’m 10 years on it and it has given me serious sexual dysfunction. I used to be such a horn dog but the thought of any bedroom activity turns my stomach. I have very young kids too. I’m going to stay in my relationship as good men are rare and I don’t want to face a blended family situation.

Do you lust after other men?

I think most relationships let the sex peter out slowly. Very common. Many end up brother sister scenario.

Soul mates are very rare. Proceed with caution!