To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

[CalmReader]

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

OK, I’m not unsympathetic to your situation.

I’ve had ups and downs in my own 26 year marriage and come close to splitting twice. My DH has a very low sex drive.

I stayed for the DC and I’m glad I did. Now I’m 50+ and I’m really happy. DC are older, happy, DH and I are happy. I get more cuddles, kisses, touches, hugs than I do sex, but that’s ok. My DH is a really great husband, dad, and person. I’m glad I stayed. I want to grow old with this man who is my best friend and gives great cuddles.

And many people who have a good relationship but no sex and one person ultimately decides they can’t live a life of forced celibacy

With any new person sex could easily subside once the novelty wears off. No guarantee with passion that it is a reliable marker for long term happiness.

I left for very similar reasons and was single for the following 21 years because decent men are like rocking horse shit.

If I'd known how long I'd be a single mum, I'd have moved in with another woman with dc early on and shared the load. Probably would've had a very nice time actually.

I hear you. 20 years single parent here since ds was 5 months lol.

I think this is starting to become more and more of a thing. It’s a great idea. So many women, even on this thread which isn’t about it, trapped simply due to finances.

We're onto something!

@CalmReader this is such a difficult situation. I can relate although my situation is slightly different.

I was married to my exDH for 20 years. We have three teen dc. Our relationship was always up and down but towards the end was pretty emotionally abusive and toxic. We tried counselling, and we were both heartbroken, but decided to separate about a year and a half ago.

It's been difficult, but now we're in a place where we're co parenting amicably, the dc all seem ok with everything and things seem to have settled down.

I've been having counselling, and realised that a lot of my and my ex's problems came from childhood trauma on both our sides. I've really worked on myself, my ex also seems to have worked on himself, and our relationship is a lot better.

Basically, I know my ex still loves me. And I still love him, but as you say about your DH, it's a more family type love. I don't desire him, or feel passion for him. But I love him as a family member and friend, with children together and a long shared history.

I met someone else a year ago who I feel very attracted towards. There is a lot of chemistry, and we get on very well in every other way too. But I feel so torn - I don't know whether to give it a go with the new guy, or try again with my ex. Basically, going back to my ex would mean a rekindling of the family life that I have lost and miss greatly. But it would also mean a life without passion and intimacy.

I keep thinking (as PPs have said) that every relationship becomes like friends after a while, so maybe it's mad to throw everything away for a soul mate type connection (which is what I feel with this new guy). I have no idea what the right thing to do is in this type of situation.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to offer you solidarity, and say I understand your situation and how difficult it is!

But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age.

You don't need to spend the rest of your life in a sexless, loveless marriage- just until your child reaches adulthood. She comes first now, and her having a stable family and living with both her parents comes before your sex life.

OP do you want more children?

I'm a single parent. I don't regret leaving my ex, we had more issues than you.

But it's not easy. Financially it's terrible. You feel enormous guilt about the kids particularly if they're clinging onto your legs not wanting to go to dad's (or the equivalent).

I'm knackered and have no time for dating, or inclination to as I've got so much on my plate already dating feels like a hassle. I'm fully accepting I might be single for ever. And fine with that.

If that was the case for you, would you still want it?

@Flowerpie I relate strongly to your post.

Please excuse me psychoanalysing it, but where you say "going back to my ex would mean a rekindling of the family life that I have lost and miss greatly", I feel this with my xh too (father of my dc). I've felt that the whole 8 years we've been apart.

But I've now realised the reason is, he was the only "home" I ever had, as my childhood was abusive and disrupted, so there wasn't really a physical or emotional base there.

Could that be the case with you? I'd say that as your dc are already teenagers, try to look for that sense of home within yourself/with your friends. then when ready, have romantic relationships with people you're attracted to on an adult-to-adult level.

No regrets here.

I split up with my XH 15 years ago because I wasn't feeling it and I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life unhappy.

The idea that I might still be married to him today is plain ludicrous.

You only get one life. Don't waste it with a man you're not happy with. No child has ever thanked their parents for staying in an unhappy marriage on their account. It's not what you would want for your own parents either, is it?

Spend five minutes on the step parenting board before leaving because you think the grass is greener.

Try couples therapy.

Very succinct

No child has ever thanked their parents for staying in an unhappy marriage on their account. It's not what you would want for your own parents either, is it?

This depends very much what comes after the split. For me and dsis it was "out of the frying pan into the fire", but then dm sure knew how to pick em!

(She wasn't happy either and regretted it, in case that needed saying)

Could you go away for a week or so to have some time to yourself to see if you miss him? It might rekindle some passion but might also give you an understanding of what it would be like without him?

No he’s definitely not let himself go, if I’m honest he was never my type we just got on so well and we ended up here. Maybe I settled I don’t know

No I’m on citalopram, but felt like this prior to going on it. I still find others attractive, there’s definitely people I’d like to jump, but wouldn’t at the moment!

No, I don’t want any more

I’ve thought a lot about this, and it’s something I’m considering just not sure how to work it with DC

I think this may be the next step

Would he be interested in opening up your marriage? Very risky but better than just splitting up straight away?