To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

[CalmReader]

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

You can’t force raw attraction. You can’t make yourself fancy someone. Even someone you love. If you’re honest, were you ever head over heels? Were you ever lost in passion with him right at the start? Could you not well your hands off him, did you fantasise about him?

I was in a similar situation, I loved my boyfriend and we had been together 11 years and had a house etc. He was a good and stable person and we got on well and genuinely loved one another. But the passion was not there. Although I used to fancy him more I was never truly lusting after him even at the start I don’t think. You can’t just make yourself feel that way, so no I don’t believe it can come back (unless you have a loss of libido in general for a particular reason which can be fixed).

I see all these threads of women who don’t want their partner to touch them, yet miraculously they are having great sex with their next partner. It’s nearly always that they just don’t fancy their partner/husband.

its not a problem to stay in a companionship marriage IF that’s what both of you want and are genuinely happy with. Most of us want romance and passion with a partner as that’s the difference between having a partner and having a best mate.

Watching because I’m in exactly the same position. He’s a very good man, and still wants me, but I feel like we’re good friends, and have absolutely no desire for anything physical (in fact it makes me uncomfortable and I avoid it).

We are ‘trying’ but it’s not coming back. I don’t want to live like this. And nor should he. I’m 43 - I can’t never have aex again. I am desperate for someone to rip my clothes off and fuck me senseless.

But what do I tell my kids?? I broke up their family home because I really needed to get laid?!

I regret ending it.

I imagined moving on to a better relationship. What I got was a very lonely and stressful 8 years (and counting) of single motherhood, and the ongoing guilt of making a broken home for the dcs.

@CalmReader Is there something missing in your life? Sometimes I think we can focus on romance as a sort of daydream and fantasy from the humdrum reality of everyday life. A lot of work crushes spring up for this reason. Is there something else you could focus on and improve in your life to give you that sort of satisfaction and fulfilment we feel initially in romantic relationships?

I have been given this advice on here many many times, and I did it. I now have two hobbies which I LOVE - but what I’m finding is that the net effect is that I’m actually building a whole separate life for myself, that isn’t connected to my husband, and that takes me further away from him (and into somewhat male-dominated dangerous territory).

But no, I don’t believe that finding a hobby is a replacement for a happy marriage and fulfilling sex life.

I don't necessarily mean a hobby. It could be that OP doesn't work, isn't fulfilled in her job, various things. It was merely a question.

Also OP hasn't actually said she doesn't have a happy marriage, just that physical intimacy is lacking.

In a marriage built on kindness and respect, I would do absolutely everything I could to make it work for my children (obviously different if you're married to a dick).

Therapy, regular date nights, even just accepting I don't fancy him and we're basically friends at this point in time.

My parents split up though and, despite having a lovely stepmum and a mum who waited until I left home to start another serious relationship, it's still something I'd hate for my children to have to deal with.

Maybe think about how you'd feel if he decided he was done and the choice was then taken away from you. Would you be relieved or wanting him back?

Because that might happen if you are telling him you don't fancy him anymore, he might not be able to rekindle with you.

I think that was my point, that’s not happening for OP but it doesn’t mean that it can’t. As someone who was in a long term marriage and left, the sex was very much better afterwards and sex weekly (and more) definitely isn’t fictional. Just because that’s not your experience doesn’t mean to say other people don’t have fulfilled sex lives after marriages end.
But there are a lot of downsides to relationships after marriage as many PP’s have highlighted. But for me, lack of sex was never the issue. Finding someone who had the qualities that OP’s husband has was much more difficult.

Did your second marriage / relationship last or are you just comparing one bad relationship to another and picking the better of the two as having been the good one

But that’s based on an, incorrect in my own experience, assumption that having 2 homes is worse than one for a child. It really doesn’t have to be. My own girls are five years in, teenagers, and quite like it! There is no animosity between me and their dad, in fact we’d still do things like a bbq. They have twice the holidays. Twice the presents. They have 2 bedrooms each in two different towns which is useful as their friends are in both. If they’re annoying each other, one will go to dads and one to mine. And I think we’ve taught them something valuable - freedom, you don’t have to stay in relationships that don’t make you happy. It really doesn’t have to be doom and gloom.

The dating world out there is a nightmare, much more difficult than people perceive it to be until they are actually in it, I think married people think we are exaggerating when we say it and they leave their marriages thinking they will quickly find someone else …..then bahm, reality sinks in

This is a shitty comment. It is perfectly valid to want to be in a relationship.

OP, I would think very carefully before leaving a happy home. The grass is not always greener. I am getting divorced, after my husband had an affair and honestly being a single parent is so hard. It’s financially crippling. It’s tough when I have the kids on my own but I miss them when they’re with him. I won’t have them this Christmas which will kill me. The children are really struggling to adapt. The dating scene is horrendous but even if I did meet someone wonderful, they still wouldn’t be the father of children and there are real implications to that.

It’s so bad I would almost rather just have stayed and accepted the infidelity to have kept my home and family and security. If he was also a lovely guy like you’ve described, absolutely no chance I would give it up.

You might leave the marriage and meet someone gorgeous who fulfils you physically but please be aware there isn’t a queue of men for single mothers.

I am in this position. However have just found out that my 'D'H has had a four-month affair with a colleague, but has finished it because he realised he only wants to be with me. I wish he'd just spoken to me, rather than bottling it all up! All I can advise is open and honest conversation, and lots of it - for us getting past the hurt he has caused is setting any intimacy back a looooong way. Also, couples therapy - we skirted around it when things were rough, dropped the ball on it and he basically went straight to shagging someone else. So my advice - just find a therapist and do it, whatever is going to happen. It will help you find clarity.

No it isn’t shitty at all.

just a different opinion and experience to yours.

people are different. There are many people who would tolerate any misery, even abuse, to be in a relationship. I feel so sorry for them. Then there are others, I’m one and I’m far from being the only one, who don’t find being alone lonely, but peaceful.

I think it might be a ND/NT thing, or maybe introvert/extrovert but it’s a wonderful thing to be happy in your own company.

I think that you are throwing a lot away. Maybe speak to your GP? Good men are hard to find.

Thank you for sharing. And to be honest, no I don’t think I was ever head over heels, not sure I fantasised about him either. We had some bloody good times in the beginning but these fell away rather quickly.

Neither of us want to be like this, which I guess is why I’m reaching out on this post to see if it is possible. He deserves to be loved and intimate with someone.

I feel for you as this is exactly the way I am feeling! My daughter is only very young so wouldn’t understand now, but still makes the guilt feel tremendous.

If possible please reconsider. Reading your post gave me anxiety and this is why:
Some of us who have had trauma in their past need danger and mystery in order to feel a sexual spark. Once the security and predictability comes, then the spark will fade and you can develop a sort of family love.
This is a problem that won’t be fixed by separation, it’s something that can only be fixed by looking at yourself and working through this in therapy.
A divorce is the gift that keeps on giving, it can destroy families and children whose parents are divorced can suffer with all sorts of difficulties all their lives. Have a serious think if that’s what you’d want to put your children through. They will deeply miss either parent when they are not together as they have happy bond with both of you (it’s not compatible to parents who seperate because being together is worse for the children eg domestic violence and volatile arguments).
I really urge you to reconsider.
intimacy can be rebuilt. I would suggest go to a sex therapist. It will be worth your money and time.

I’m not sure a hobby would replace the feeling of love & intimacy, but I could be wrong? I have 2 great jobs which I love, work hard, nice home, although still needs some work doing - it’s a doer upper. Beautiful daughter and loving family, my time is spent working, with family & friends and enjoying activities. I doubt I’d have time for anything else, and can’t see how it would help if I’m totally honest, wouldn’t that be shifting my focus elsewhere instead of working on my issues?

And say what? I don’t fancy my husband?! It’s not a medical issue! The thought of medicating myself to have sex with someone is hideous.

Also I literally read a post on here the other day about a woman who left her husband for a man she met. They had a fling which ended. Then her husband met another woman and getting married again and had a baby and the ex wife felt very sad alone and bitter at her decisions. If you didn’t have a choice because he was awful and you both didn’t get on then it’s fine but it’s really silly to throw away something good.

Sex is heavily affected by medical issues - hormones, mental health etc.

if you choose to leave you have to be prepared for the fact that you may remain single and he may find someone else. It always seems easier for men to meet a new partner. You will also all have a lot less money.

I think you should sleep with someone else (you are separated right) and see if it’s sex you’re missing or a completely different man