To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

[CalmReader]

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

You are too young Op to give your life up to a 'friend' - you can co parent and be friends once you separate - then both of you can have more honest loving relationships down the line.

I think its important to model real love and contentment to your child - not saying what you are showing her isn't healthy - as it's great you get on. but if you want her to find passion and romance it might be useful for her to see you seek that as well.

Have you tried talking this over with him? Have you tried to rekindle romantic feelings, to rediscover what brought you together? What you have seems worth at least trying to save.

Are you in the combined pill? I found my libedo was non existent until I swapped to the mini pill.

Is it worth a conversation with your GP or practice nurse?

This. Also…there is a very real possibility that you will be single whilst he is with someone new. The good ones get snapped up quickly.

I’d explore a therapist specialising in sexual connection before writing off what otherwise seems like a good marriage.

Have you ever been sexually attracted to him?

I found focusing on one thing you find attractive. I love eyes. Dh has amazing eyes and that won't chnage

I'm long time married and for me it's the small things. Like him making cuppa for me when I havnt asked. Doing the extra kid pick up as he knows I'm tired. Putting himself out a wee bit for my comfort. All the small things that makes me fall in love with him again.

Are you on any anti depressants or the pill?

The pill kills my libido but every GP I've mentioned that to says that's rubbish and I think it's a side affect of some antidepressants.

As PP says it him or is it everyone else as well?

This. Also looking at photos of DH when he was younger makes me fall in love with him all over again.

My ex was (is) emotionally abusive.

I was ecstatic when I left with my daughter (no man in the picture at that time). I am even more ecstatic now, several years later.

Do you feel attraction for other men? If not, I'd be looking at whether other things (like the pill etc) could be causing loss of libido.

Personally I think that it's pretty common for couples to lose passion and become more like friends over time. I think there's a lot to be said for friendship. And hard to find a good man.

Read Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney. Also ask your husband to read it. I'm a similar age and my libido has dipped recently (combination of medical trauma and medications I believe). It's not that unusual for desire to drop (and sometimes then rise again, and so on) in a long term relationship. If your DH is otherwise a good man is sex really that important to you? Important enough to throw that away? The one thing that concerns me is you say it's a 'loveless' marriage. How so?

The thing is you have had a baby with him now. You feel like something is missing but to leave and go and search for that you leave your daughter with a broken home. Wouldn’t you feel like something is missing when you miss out on half of the rest of her childhood? And she’ll spend her whole childhood with a life split into two and always missing one of her parents. She may then have half siblings who have the happy stable family life she wants while she dips in and out of 2 families lives. Why does your desire for a sexual relationship trump that?

Might be worth reading this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Captivity-passion-long-term-relationships/dp/0340943750?dplnkId=6e89e99c-82a8-4062-90a3-18c2fa42a332&nodl=1
before you make any decisions
esther Perel is brilliant

I regretted the pain that it caused to him and I regretted the impact that it's had on the kids. But I know that they would have been worse if I'd have stayed because I was so unhappy. I don't regret my decision to free myself from something that was not right for me. But it has not been an easy journey. I asked myself if I could do the same for another 20 years. When I thought about that I realised that I had to end things. Life is too short.

Ditto here. No sex in our marriage for over 10 years but we still very much love each other. Sex is not everything!

Very glib to say. Have you tried to cope financially as a single person in the UK these days? It’s a never ending source of stress and depression.

No, I’m not on any contraception at the moment after having DD, it messed me up!

You sound like good candidates for ENM/open relationship. How would you feel if he slept with other women if it didn’t impact your family life?

Truthfully? I don’t think it would bother me, but neither of us want that. I do have attraction for other people just not him, although would never act on it!

Yes we have talked about it, hence we are separated, we are being as honest and as open with each other as we can be. I just feel like such a mess at the moment. I want more from my life, but I have my daughter and don’t want her to live 2 lives just for the sake of her mum wanting more.

Im just really struggling.

Yes I think you can get it back. Long term relationships are very rarely all positive, ups and downs are normal.

Personally I think you have a lot going for yourselves and it sounds worth trying, like really trying.

You also haven’t mentioned the impact of a split on your child, children often feel pain during a family breakdown. It’s not to say it’s not worth it if you can’t remain together (or if there’s negativity in the relationship) but this will affect her.

Have you had marriage counselling?
Do you make time for each other alone? Date nights? A holiday or two a year alone to reconnect?

At this point, I’d be reaching out for help before calling it quits. Ask grandparents to have daughter while you go for a long weekend somewhere warm and fun. See a counsellor or sex therapist to see if there’s hope of you reconnecting physically.

If all else fails and you decide to end it, at least you know you tried everything.

OP, it sounds like you just no longer find your husband attractive. Personally, I’m not sure there is any cure for that.

Has his appearance changed over time? Let himself go with weight etc? Or is it deeper than that. I ask because I have seen posts on here before where the issue was the partner no longer made an effort with exercise, and it was not obviously within their gift to sort that.

I personally know zero of my siblings or close friends who could rip their partners clothes off after having kids. Sorry but that’s an unrealistic expectation after years together and a child. All of us have had increased arguments and distance since children. That’s normal when they’re young and life is tough.

I hate it when people describe long term relationships like you should be wanting sex every week - it’s totally fictional! Don’t be suckered OP - get some proper support from people or a therapist who can help bring you together again.

Exactly.

And if you do meet someone OP, you’d have to navigate blended families and all the shit that goes with that. It’s not all rosy.

Everyone has issues that need work sometimes.

If you do decide to completely end it and seek pastures new, bear in mind he will likely find someone new too. How would you feel seeing him happy/soppy/in love/living his best life? You say he’s a genuinely lovely man, so he deserves happiness - just as you do, and I’m sure you will do in time ☺️

The harsh truth is it will likely hurt like hell if you go through this, and seeing another woman play “stepmum” to your child. My husbands ex-wife still gushed over him despite them being separated when we met, saying how wonderful he is (which I know!!), but the spark had gone for her, much like you’re saying - but then she turned bitter, jealous and awful when she realised he had moved on and was happy, and she regretted it. Separation can work well, but it’s bloody hard. Especially when new partners come on the scene and you weren’t 100% sure on your decision to split in the first place.

Just wanted to give this perspective that the “nice amicable coparenting” can change quickly if one realises they’ve lost someone worth their weight in gold, and that you have to coparent with ex’s new partners in future.

Don’t settle if you’re not happy though - life the life you want! People change and grow as life moves on, and it sounds like that’s what’s happened to you (and is what happened to my and my ex husband too. We met in our teens, and 15 years of change as individuals - and his mistress - ended it for us).

Just be aware of all the variables that will crop up on your new path, and with examples like my above, you gotta take it on the chin with grace rather than turn into “the bitter ex wife” (which I’m not saying you will, but many do!).

All the best.

It doesn't sound loveless, being 'in love ' isn't the only love. Sexual attraction and romance are the biggest hype in the modern world. If he also sees you more as a friend why not build in that and cohabit?

I did. And still do regret leaving.

I broke up with my controlling and abusive ex about 2 and a half years ago, it then took me about 8 months to get him out of my house.

The month after he left was fine, friends and family rallied round, told me how brave I was, I’d done the right thing, etc. I met a new boyfriend all great.

And then the friends started to drift, as not part of a couple anymore the invitations fell away; my parents became obsessed with a new grandchild; and the new boyfriend (still great), but early days of a relationship is only there 2 or 3 nights a week.

I am bitterly lonely. 5 nights a week I am on my own. My ex might have been a bastard, but at least I saw someone everyday. When he wasn’t taking my money he would ask how I was or something.

I now see the money he took from me as the cost of being in a relationship. I would go back to carrying the financial and domestic load to not be on my own trying to start again.