To have made a Sarah’s Law request? **Trigger warning: contains discussion of child abuse and other content that some may find disturbing**

[nyki]

More of an “have I overreacted” more than a “have I been unreasonable”.

Someone has made some strange remarks around my child. I’m not in a relationship with this person before anyone jumps on me, and they don’t have any access to my child anymore.

Remarks have been talking about rape, talking about my child’s “itty bitty cl*torous”, her “boobs” (she doesn’t have any, she’s a toddler). Bouncing her up and down “she likes that, like her mum” with a sexual overtone. There have been others similar, remarking on body/private parts in a sexual way. Family member hence why they were present at times when child being changed etc for context.

This person has already been confronted and would say that I can’t take a joke, my child doesn’t understand and thinks it’s funny basically. Hence why they aren’t around my child anymore.

So I’ve done a Sarah’s law application on advice of NSPCC. I’ve never been in this position before. It’s it an overreaction? With the type of job this person is in, I really doubt they have any offences against children, so I think it will come back with nothing.

Well let's hope he doesn't

If the NSPCA has advised you, why would you thing it’s an overreaction?

Jokes are funny. I’m not laughing.

Why was this person even in your home?

You are the proof he said these things. Everyone assaulted by Savile thought they were the only one until one spoke out, then two, then a hundred. None had any proof but they were there, they knew what he’d done.
You have done the right thing and the NSPCC will support you in every way. You can call them any time and as many times as you need.

The green section at the top, if you select “see all”, you can read all the OPs post and then you will know why this person was in her home and who he is.

With regard to your disclosure request. The release of any information is done on a risk based approach. If the person has no contact with the child then the police will deem no risk and not disclose info. If the person is moving in with the mother of the child then this is a risk and relevant info will be disclosed. All scenarios in-between these situations are considered. But the risk base is to ensure the over riding data protection legislation is very specific to risk to an individual child. It doesn't facilitate rooting out all the pervs in our community. So it's only one arm of a safe guarding strategy for you to employ but shouldn't be relied on completely. Members of your family minimising this is equally worrying.
There is no situation what so ever that anyone can consider this a joke or a sign of imaturity, and I would be concerned about anyone that did.

You have done the right thing here by your daughter. I’m not clued up with the ins and outs of it all but have you contacted social services?
Would he ever try turn up at a nursery to see your dd? Would you consider speaking with the manager to give a brief update and make sure they tell you if he appears.

Definitely not an over reaction!

So sorry. Very grim and you absolutely are not over reacting.

Document everything you have. Can you seek legal advice on how to block any future access.

There's lots of jokes that I don't laugh at, they are still intended as jokes. However anyone attempting to make jokes like this has issues. Possibly a paedophile, possibly has developmental issues and the mental age of a child. Possibly both.

Maybe I was worried about being seen as a waste of time and resources. I guess due to his job I’m fairly certain there won’t be a disclosure. Maybe overreaction wasn’t the right word. I’ve also had some people around me minimise it.

Nursery are aware he doesn’t have PR, so they wouldn’t give him any information or let him see or take my daughter.

He wasn’t a great boyfriend but he definitely didn’t display any behaviour like this. If he had done I would never have had him anywhere near her.

Yes I’ve had legal advice already. I basically can’t really do anything right now, there’s no preemptive action I can take to him potentially seeking contact. I will have to address it if and when he does.

He is neurodiverse. And some family/friends have mentioned this as a possible reason for the comments and not understanding what’s appropriate/boundaries. But I think this is quite a poor excuse and I know many ND people and I don’t know any that would think these comments okay.

The thing about ND is the D stands for Diverse - there's a huge range of people that fall into that category and you can't assume that because most won't do something, some others won't.
However I don't think it matters. If it is down to a condition, that condition might make him less likely to be a paedophile, but it certainly means he is unsuitable to be a parent or to be alone with your daughter. Or even spend time with her if he is incapable of understanding how inappropriate this is.
Did he seem to be entirely incapable of understanding proper adult behaviour in your time together? To struggle with this I'd have to thnk he's barely capable of holding down a job or socialising.

Actually I’m not normally brutal and to the point. However, I don’t think a laissez-faire attitude is the right one here. This is a very serious matter and if everyone took a firm stance instantly, maybe children would be better safeguarded and protected. It shouldn’t matter what others around you are saying, wrong is wrong, this man is clearly disturbed and a danger. I’d emigrate to protect my child.

I don’t mean any offence here but I’m genuinely curious: why on earth would you or anyone, choose to work with nonces? 🤨🤢

Someone has to. I work with lots of violent and sexual offenders

I do it to prevent reoffending and keep society safer - would you rather no one do this?

You might be missing some sarcasm there!

Im not the original PP but I’ll answer as I also work with people convicted of sexual offences.

Because we protect the public.
Because many of us have studied in the field of psychology / sociology or criminology and the work lands in our field of interest.
Because working with offenders is incredibly interesting and sexual offences are just one type of crime, most people don’t solely work with one type of offender.
Because most of the jobs working with people convicted of this type of crime are very varied, no two days are the same and it can be highly rewarding.
In my case I receive great work support including free regular counselling.

I find it hard to believe anyone working professionally uses the term ‘working with nonces’ to be honest. But with every job there are aspects you don’t like. Dealing with people convicted of this type of crime is usually a small part of a much bigger role that has many benefits.

Anyway, to the OP, the language is hugely concerning as others have said. Any report to the police will be logged and can be used in the future to build a broader picture should he ever be accused or convicted of a similar crime.

Stay well away.

one would hope the police may consider checking his computer etc for any evidence of any inappropriate images of children etc. or illicit browsing etc.
If I were a betting woman, I'd lay money that something would be found.

Believe what you want, I don’t need to be professional on Mumsnet. I work specifically with MOSOVO so yes, they mainly are nonces and rapists. When I write to the MoJ I use PC terms

The reason I bothered to mention about my job is that I probably know better than the average person, how a paedo/nonce’s (sorry Child Sex Offender for anyone offended by these terms) minds work. I’ve listened to countless stories, their “desires”, I’ve learnt how it starts and how it escalates, it’s mainly always the same pattern. These kind of comments are exactly what a paedophile would say. I know this because I listen to this type of shit regularly. Yes it turns my stomach but I would rather have to listen to this than another child be abused