To have made a Sarah’s Law request? **Trigger warning: contains discussion of child abuse and other content that some may find disturbing**

[nyki]

More of an “have I overreacted” more than a “have I been unreasonable”.

Someone has made some strange remarks around my child. I’m not in a relationship with this person before anyone jumps on me, and they don’t have any access to my child anymore.

Remarks have been talking about rape, talking about my child’s “itty bitty cl*torous”, her “boobs” (she doesn’t have any, she’s a toddler). Bouncing her up and down “she likes that, like her mum” with a sexual overtone. There have been others similar, remarking on body/private parts in a sexual way. Family member hence why they were present at times when child being changed etc for context.

This person has already been confronted and would say that I can’t take a joke, my child doesn’t understand and thinks it’s funny basically. Hence why they aren’t around my child anymore.

So I’ve done a Sarah’s law application on advice of NSPCC. I’ve never been in this position before. It’s it an overreaction? With the type of job this person is in, I really doubt they have any offences against children, so I think it will come back with nothing.

They are disgusting comments to make about a child. You didn't overreact but you have to be consistent and not allow this person near your child no matter what the request results in.

You’re absolutely right to have requested a Sarah’s law but you should also call your local mash (front door of children’s services) and share this information with them. They may want to complete an assessment but given that you’re not allowing contact they may just record your concerns. Either way it will benefit you to have an evidence trail of your concerns in the event of him seeking contact through the courts.

You have not overreacted and if you feel safe to do so, I would also report this to the safeguarding department of their workplace. Those comments were disgusting and deeply disturbing. I'm so sorry you have been through this.

I would go to social services with this OP, and do so before the Police possibly do assuming you have declared his relationship with you on the request. It will look better for you that you're being proactive.

That's actually very chilling and I can't imagine how you're feeling.

I know a few posters have suggested report to police. For anyone that knows - does making the request go down on that persons file? Eg if they have a chat with OP about why she’s making the request and they see it as robust grounds and carry out the check, does that get noted?

edited to clarify: noted on the guys police file

I agree with everything you’ve said. I not agree he has 100% raped a child. Fortunately the majority never act on their thoughts.

Sarahs law is a good starting point but it only encompasses those who act on the thoughts and get convicted for doing so.

Not an over reaction at all! I know some people with very dark humour that has shocked me at times but there is a line and that is way past that line!

You are right to be cautious. Even if the check comes back clean , all that means is they have never been caught for something .

Those comments made me feel sick

I think I would have punched him hard if he made these comments in front of my daughters.

But see it this way: He's shown you who he is. At least you're now aware that he's a risk.

They are some very disturbing comments to be making. That is 100% not a normal way to think about a baby or child. I hope you manage to keep him far away from her.

Omg OP I’m so sorry! You must be really worried. The comments are disturbing and I wouldn’t be at peace knowing he can be around my child. Is he in the birth certificate? Does he have any parental right?

Sorry just to add, if you have any other concerns about his behaviour that could be warning signs you should share them with children’s services. It’s important you give them all the information you can to enable any assessment they may complete. This list is a good starting point to get you thinking.

Can you record these instances? Would it hold up?

It’s disgusting, I cannot imagine being around anyone that made these comments full stop, let alone a child. It’s not a ‘joke’. It’s not ok at all. I don't think it’s a leap if that’s the way his brain works. He’s a sick individual.

I’m really hoping that this isn’t real, as it’s horrifying to think there’s a parent out there who made those comments about a toddler.

I’m really sorry if I’ve upset anyone. The reason I ask is because the reactions I’ve had from family and friends that I’ve asked have varied. As I said some horrified, some saying he’s just immature and doesn’t know how to act around children, some said he was probably saying it for my benefit etc (as in making sexual type comments to try and get my attention).
This happened when as I said, he’s mostly been absent, but I gave him the opportunity to try and build a relationship and was trying to show him how to look after her. Over several visits these are the type of comments made.

I haven’t recorded them, and I don’t have any contact with him and not planning on. The only “evidence” I have is text messages where I’ve disclosed to several people at the time they’ve happened.

My God, that's turned my stomach. I'm so sorry.

I’m really sorry but it is real.
I am trying not to think worst case scenario, which is that he could harm my child/has harmed a child or is that way inclined.
But even the best case scenario is horrible to me, which is that he’s hugely inappropriate, doesn’t understand boundaries and could potentially sexualise/damage my daughter as a girl/woman.

This is way beyond dark humour. It's seriously concerning let alone inappropriate.

It's sick and I'm sorry OP.

I’ve been on Mumsnet for many years and read some truly awful things but this made me feel sick.

Don’t doubt yourself, you have done the right thing. Do everything you can to keep him away from your daughter.

That was rude. She has sought professional advice and contacted police.

I have no idea why anyone wouldn’t be taking this seriously and be as horrified OP. Who the hell was justifying it for him? It’s not a sign of immaturity. I can’t think of any young males that would make such disgusting comments about a baby. A baby ffs! And as for saying it to get your attention?! WHAT?! There are no excuses, NONE.

You’ve done the right thing. I would go and speak to the police too.

and whoever told you he’s just immature, it was a bad joke etc, I’d be cutting them out my life too. No normal person makes jokes like that whatsoever. I can’t believe anyone would think it’s ok.

Please do let not this disgusting man have access to your daughter, OP. They really do hide in plain sight.