DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

I think he’s being unreasonable making you ‘ask’. Surely, for him to of said this, he’s realised you think this trip is not great for you right now.

He shouldn’t even have asked.

If you don’t want him to go on the trip you’ve known about for a year just tell him, he said he will cancel so what’s your issue?

just keep in mind if he does cancel and tbf sounds like a decent bloke who puts in the time and effort to make you happy, be prepared for him to “not be able to cope” and ask you to cancel your fun plans

or don’t speak to him, fester on it and ruin his trip by being moody and miserable which is more likely what I think will happen.

Just let him go. What difference will it actually make? I’d hate to make my partner cancel, and I have the type of husband that would. But he needs a break. Making him cancel won’t solve anything.

it IS irrelevant. OP is asking about whether her situation is unacceptable and how to tackle it. What other people have done or do in the world isn’t relevant.

If someone posted about their mortgage would you respond with ‘well homeless people don’t have a house’? No because it’s not relevant.

Other people being single parents doesn’t relate to OP feeling like her partner isn’t valuing what she does and asking how to tackle this issue in her RELATIONSHIP

You would not be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his hobby conference. You sound at the end of your tether and he should recognise this.

Going back to full time work at 6 months post partum must have been really difficult. As you moved abroad so neither of your families can help with child care, your DH should recognise that going away for a week for his hobby and leaving you alone with a teething baby who is hardly sleeping at the moment is being selfish.

@ChunkyFTMMum then I'd tell him not to go and get rid of the guilt. In the end, it's your family and your choice. Id also be extremely pissed if my husband did this when things were tricky with the baby. I understand not wanting to be the bad guy, but sometimes you have to be. It's that or key resentment keep building and your stress levels become unmanageable. The day my husband became a father, is the day he learned to put himself last. After the kids and many times after me. I do the same for him

You are in a difficult position. You really want him to cancel but you want him to come to that conclusion himself. The alternative is you ask him to cancel and then you look bad and he may feel resentful. I don't see there's anything wrong in telling him how you feel. I would go so far as to say to him look, I feel I need you here but I also don't want you to resent loosing your trip.

OP has already said that she has coped before when DH went away for work but that this feels different because it isn't for work.

She doesn't want to 'just cope' which is valid. I agree that she needs to talk to DH but I can also understand her frustration that DH can't see for himself that it is a bad time to swan off to his hobby for a week.

Is BF working for you still? 9 months is a great stint, would introducing combi feeding be an option from here.

if nothing else, drop that 4am feed. Baby does not need it.

baby of 9 months if on bottled would have 3 bottles a day and 3 meals a day

I think you are being unreasonable to ask him to cancel. The trip is already booked. In hindsight, it was not the best time to book a trip, however going forward, you can have conversation about the appropriate timing of booking trips and your lifestyle needs to reflect you have a family.

Well guilt tripping him IS telling him he can’t go

Why don't you have a long bath every night once the child is in bed?

Couldn’t agree more.

I think most posters are of the view that you are unreasonable.

In real life I know plenty of women who would not have allowed this but they would have made that clear from the beginning that this would not be a runner.

At this stage you just need to say to your husband that you can’t cope so he can’t go. It’s the truth

You do need to listen to advice around stopping breastfeeding though. Your back at work ft, baby is 9 months, it’s an unnecessary stress. Try not to allow yourself to become a martyr, no one likes them.

I have a bad back and I’ve always had a medium-soft mattress and co slept for years with both babies. Unless it’s incredibly soft a nine month old should be fine in your bed with you.
Could your DH make it a slightly shorter trip or is it the full thing or nothing ? I’m wondering if there is a compromise possible. I do think it’s a selfish thing to do, you sound exhausted and angry, maybe he isn’t taking on board how much you are doing and how shattering it is at this stage.
If he does go, ask him to cook enough meals for you to stick in the freezer, so you don’t have to cook as well as being sleep deprived and working full time. He could also do a big shop before he goes. Basically get everything lined up to make it as easy as possible for you. This is what my DH did when he had to be away while we had a toddler and a nine month old. It meant I didn’t need to shop or cook for any of us.

I think the issue here is that you agreed that he could go, and now there's no real way of asking him to cancel without it causing an issue.

Either you suck it up with good grace, or you cancel and accept that he'll probably be a bit pissed off for a while. Personally I would suck it up.

I really do see your point, the problem is he booked it when you were pregnant. Likely when you both thought that 9 months would be ‘out of the woods’.

there is no clear solution here. Can you afford to hire in help for the evenings and weekends? Even just a teenager on the street as an extra pair of hands, someone to unload dishwasher, tidy away dinner.

Oh for God’s sake.

The OP needs to SPEAK AND COMMUNICATE WITH HIM.

Communication is fundamental in a relationship/marriage. If they can’t communicate then there’s no point being together.

Her arguing back and forth with posters won’t help her. It’s just wasting time. People are trying to offer her pragmatic and practiced solutions to ease her stress IF her husband does go through with the trip.

A person shouldn’t need advice on how to communicate with their spouse and to express their feelings.

I genuinely don’t understand what more the OP wants people to say?

Why does her DH need a break more than OP? It will make a difference to OP if he goes, because OP has said that:

'he helps with bedtime and bathtime. He does all the settling before 2am if baby wakes then. He changes his nappy and outfit in the morning. He shares the cooking and cleaning.'

She is obviously panicking about doing everything on her own with a teething breast fed baby who isn't sleeping while working full time.

I think there are arguments for and against asking him to cancel. BUT if you don’t ask him to cancel, he can do major prep for you. Leave a spotless house, a fridge full of fully prepped meals and supplies etc so all you need to do is get up, eat your fully prepped breakfast, go to work, come home and tend to your baby, and microwave your fully prepped evening meal. Set up the baby next to your bed.

You’ll be fine OP

Full-time worker? Breast-feeing and this swine goes away not for work but because of a hobby? Nip it in the bud, this is not on. The said thing is that you HAVE to ask and that he has not an ounce of shame and decency not to suggest this stupid thing.

You couldn’t predict any of this when he booked the trip last year. Things have changed - that’s life!

I would ask him not to go. He’s not going to make the decision for you - by you not speaking up, you’ve essentially given him ‘permission’ to go, he won’t be feeling guilty when he’s away.

Ditch the guilt and tell him you need him to stay at home.

Why have you quoted me? I have already posted that she needs to discuss the situation with him and tell him what she needs. So why are you arguing with me?

That post that you quoted is about the fact that this doesn’t relate to being a single mother. OP asked about how to tackle an issue in her relationship and people are saying things like ‘Well what do you think single mothers do?’ And ‘why don’t you sleep train?’ When what she wants to know is - ‘Is my partner being fair?’ Respond to her about that instead.