DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

I think he’s being a bit of an arse. Work trips are one thing; they pay the bills. But him fucking off to have fun for a week, at a time when you’re being run ragged, is really bloody selfish. You shouldn’t have to ask him not to go. He should just see that it is not the time.

This isn’t a case of you being the parent and he’s just the assistant so it doesn’t really matter if he buggers off and has a nice little break. Parenting is supposed to be 50/50. And I’d be willing to bet that if you went off for a week’s holiday the day after you’ve stopped breastfeeding, and left it all to him, he would lose his shit and would be on the phone within 24 hours demanding that you return because the baby won’t settle for him.

I think you can either seethe about it, which won’t achieve anything, or you can talk to him and ask him if he really thinks that he’s being fair, fucking off on a jolly when your DC is at their most demanding. If he agrees to cancel, then great. If he refuses then tell him that he’s a grown adult and that you obviously can’t stop him from going, but you’re pretty surprised that he thought it was an acceptable time to book such a trip, and you’ll struggle to take him seriously if he ever claims to be an equal partner or a responsible parent again.

I would let him go, it's obviously something that's really important to him. I don't understand why a stag do would be ok, but a hobby he is clearly very passionate about isn't.

BUT it's clear from your posts @ChunkyFTMMum that you absolutely don't want him to go. My opinion and the opinion of everyone else here is completely irrelevant. Tell him not to go because that's what you want. Clearly expressing your wants and needs is crucial to a successful relationship. You don't want him to go, tell him.

It's sad that you had to go back to work full-time if he can afford trips overseas for his hobby.

It's exhausting with a baby, and working full-time so early is not ideal.

That aside, you want to punish your Dh for having a good time, or you want for you both to be miserable and exhausted. That's not terribly helpful.

Don't turn it into a competition of who's the most tired.

You can't leave the baby, but you could all go spend a weekend somewhere AI soon where you can rest and DH takes care of the baby unless he needs feeding.

I don't think it's fair or reasonable to expect your DH to cancel his trip just because you are tired.

I’m really sorry you’re getting advice to stop feeding and to sleep train because your partner wants to go away for a hobby trip. Personally, I would put it back to him - he needs to make the decision and I’d be pretty annoyed if he decided to go. Having kids and parenting often means putting their needs first - I say this as a breastfeeding, co-sleeping parent who didn’t get away for a few years - my husband didn’t either btw, he recognised that I needed support despite him not being able to feed! Nine months is tough - often recognised as the hardest sleep wise. If focused on attachment, Lyndsey hookway has some good info on how to gently support but it should start to get better from now. A lot of parents who BF find 8-10 very hard sleep wise so you are in the midst of it. If he goes, see if you can get other support - a friend or grandparent to pop around so you can go to bed early. Batch cook or order in. Book cleaner. Appreciate all this is privilege but sounds like money isn’t an issue. The Fair play book/website could be helpful in deciding how you manage to divide tasks going forward.

you’re obviously struggling and I can see why you want him to cancel the trip but it honestly doesn’t seem the fairest option. If you already have 45 hours of childcare in place why don’t you take a few days annual leave and do some nice, relaxing things so that you’re ready and prepped for the evenings, hopefully then they won’t feel so tough!

I think it would be very unreasonable to ask him to cancel, it’s a knee jerk reaction to being in the midst of a shitty time

It will be tough OP but you can do it. And you will reap the reward another time (I'd be making this VERY clear to DH). If I were you I'd schedule one day leave if you can get it and go for a nice afternoon nap to catch up on yourself. If not just power through and plan what you'll do when you go away.

It sounds like you are getting very little sleep right now but in the overall scheme of things your baby seems like a good sleeper so it's not like you've had this bad patch for 9 months. I totally get why you are annoyed but i think you would be very unreasonable to ask him to cancel.

You've already had a conversation. He's offered to cancel.
You only need to ask him.

I wouldn't. I'd manage and then have a conversation about how he can better help and look at DC routine when he's back.

Breast feeding babies do not feed to the same patterns as bottle fed.

you can’t just drop the 4 am feed, or start combi feeding. At this point in bf that would probably cause more issues than it solves.

o/p I’d let it go this time as it’s booked with a warning it’s not to happen again until things are more settled.

I’d also take some annual leave. At least so works off the table- have a mini- break yourself, take child to nursery, go home, and sleep. Or go shopping, or whatever you want to do. Nice food, takeaways, spoil yourself.

Or take off to your parents for a few days if they will help out.

Well you have your majority answer it’s yes, so are you going to accept that verdict or carry on complaining and trying to get everyone to change their mind.
Let him go it’s only for a few days out of a lifetime, I’m sure you’ll manage admirably.
Oh and put a smile on it, don’t spoil it for him, you can have lots of lovely days to yourself on the future.

I think it's too late to cancel now, but what he can do is try to make those six days easier for you. He can do a big shop/batch cook so that you just need to heat up some meals while he's away, for example.

If I were you, I'd do as PP's have suggested and take a day or two of leave during his trip. Put the baby in childcare those days and use the time to catch up on sleep and pamper yourself. Even one day to yourself will make a big difference.

It's a tough stage, OP, but you'll get through it and when your baby is weaned, it'll be your turn to have a trip while your DH holds the fort.

My ex went to St Lucia when my youngest of 3 was 9 months. Yes it was a bit harder with no help, but I coped. If it’s booked, i’d just suck it up. Maybe sort yourself out with a little break once you’re able to.

OP isn't in the UK. If she's in a country with poor maternity leave then there's a very good chance that annual leave isn't very good either and she may to save anything she does get just in case her baby gets ill and can't be at nursery.

Calpol and baby ibuprofen can be given together - this should cut down the nighttime wakings if it's because of teething.

Otherwise, I'd revisit sleep training. OR book a week off work when your husband is away and sleep in

Im quoting you because you quoted me 😂

You don’t agree with “If single mothers can cope then the OP can too” so I’m not going to carry that on with you.

When what she wants to know is - ‘Is my partner being fair?’ Respond to her about that instead.

IMO - if she previously agreed and was happy for him to go on this trip - then YES, I think her partner is being fair.

If the OP has changed her mind and thinks he is being unfair by going on this trip then she needs to communicate that with HIM. Not strangers on the internet.

It doesn’t have to be this complicated. They could have already sorted it out by now with a simple adult conversation.

@FrenchandSaunders

1. I can't stop breastfeeding suddenly in a week so that suggestion won't work.
2. Baby has a severe dairy allergy and completely rejects hypoallergenic formula, we have tried, under the guidance of a paedetrician. Some parents add Nesquik to it to make it taste nicer. I am not willing to add Nesquik to my 9 month old's milk when I have plenty of milk for him.
3. I'm supposed to stop breastfeeding just so DH can go to a conference about his hobby? Does that not sound insane to you.
4. DH feels strongly about breastfeeding so really, he should be supporting it too.

Even if he stays, you need to find some solutions long term. I didn't until I basically hit breaking point (genuinely scared I might throw my baby out the window in the middle of the night; that was horrifying and terrifying and i don't want to think of anyone else reachingthat point).

He needs to support you in taking time for yourself every week to switch off and recharge. That might be alone or with friend(s), it could be a walk, a coffee, nails/massage/etc, swimming, a lunch out. I cannot emphasise enough what a difference this has made for me. Sometimes things get busy and I can't fit it in but I can always feel the difference.

OP, you're getting an unreasonably hard time. DC2 was a clingy baby who breastfed all night long until he was 14mo. He would have been impossible to sleep train and it didn't matter who slept where, he woke up constantly and screamed as much as he could. It's hard bloody work and I totally get why you don't want to face additional time doing this alone. My DH wouldn't have even considered leaving us in this stage, especially not for a hobby- and would have put as many work trips on hold as he could, though I appreciate that's not always possible. I would talk to him and explain your fears. If he still chooses to go, then make your life as easy as possible. Take some AL if you can to nap during the day, etc.

@Psychologymam Thank you for understanding. I know it was my mistake to "allow" him to book this trip but we were both naive and neither of us anticipated that 9 months would be such a hard time. Baby is honestly much harder work than he was at 4-7 months.

I agree - OP may not he stupid but definitely rude. Those suggesting a day’s annual leave in the middle of the week greeted with ‘I’m not a stay at home wife. I don’t need ideas about cafes and crèches’. Lots of good ideas here, I think OP is just pissed off with husband, and those that don’t agree either her!

I actually think that you will probably be fine. Take it one day at a time. A weeks not long. What can go wrong apart from you being tired?
If you really feel like you can’t cope you would have no choice but to tell your husband not to go.

Well yes you are being unreasonable asking him to cancel this late in the day, after much expense. That’s the general consensus, hence you’re being so rude to posters. If you’re just going to be rude to your DH for months after his return then tell him to cancel. He has offered to, take him up on it if you don’t want to cope alone. Just because most here coped alone for periods of time doesn’t mean you have to in this instance. You clearly think he’s being very unreasonable going, so just tell him.

I would ask him to cancel, simply on the basis that the trip is too long. If it was a weekend fun trip or away for a week for work I would get that.
6 days for fun activity is unreasonable when you work full time and your baby is being fussy a lot.
He can go next year.
And I really don't get the mentality on MN that you must be doing something wrong with your baby because he wakes up frequently or fusses. Giving you advise or judging you on how you raise your baby is not necessary.

The question is simple should your husband cancel his trip or not. In my opinion you shouldn't feel bad and also you shouldn't even be asking him. He is not blind and can see how much hard work it is. I'm sure if it was the opposite and you were to leave he would be begging you to cancel.

Which is what I said in my first post. You quoted me about something else and then agreed with me.

I didn’t say that if single mothers can cope she can’t or whatever you’re insinuating, but she didn’t ask if she COULD cope, she asked if it was reasonable that she should have to because she has a whole other parent. It’s a different situation, it doesn’t need to be conflated.

Book annual leave.
Ask for help.

consider reducing your breastfeeding in the future. No need to feed baby this much now.

bank this trip and take one for yourself.

You said he booked this trip a year ago, your kid is 9mo.

Why did you leave it to now to "tell" him to cancel?

This conversation should have been had weeks if not months ago, but even if he stays home, you're the one with the breasts. He can't feed the child.

Leave everything - the cooking, laundry, dishes etc and get either a one-off clean or let him do it all when he gets back.