DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

OP you can't have a tantrum because the AIBU didn't go your way

This thread highlights why so many women are in unhappy marriages and relationships today. No, not because the men are awful but because so many women think that men should be mind readers, that women should never have to say what they want or express themselves, and that keeping score is how you achieve 'equality'.

Tbh I have an 11 month old and my husband has never spent a night away since he was born and I wouldn't like him being away for a week at this age even though my baby is relatively easy at the moment. But the difference is I would tell my husband I didn't want him to go. Not in a passive aggressive way but a "I know you are really looking forward to this trip and I know this hobby is so important to you but I really need you right now. It would make me much happier if you could cancel this one and stay with me".

Talk to your husband as if you love him and as if he loves you!

@Darkambergingerlily It's a shame you can't consider the guidance and statistics to reduce baby and infant risk.

To answer your question, no I did not return to work when my baby was 6 months old. I’m grateful.

My point is, if OP has a problem with her husband she should take it up with him, let her frustrations out on him. She should not open a post on Mumsnet and redirect her anger here, at us. If I had a problem with my husband, I would not redirect my anger at him to strangers online.

OP wasn’t redirecting any anger, she was rightly irritated at all the sanctimonious, irrelevant, in some cases deranged advice she was getting - her (very mild) anger was directed at exactly who deserved it!

Hopefully!

The baby could be on 100% solids by now, plus water/other non dairy/non formula drinks are available. Shes had over a years notice to plan this, totally her fault.

Jesus Christ. The baby is less than a year old. She has not had over a years notice, because having known about it for a year is irrelevant. She had a baby then a 1mo then a 2mo then a 3mo… now a 9mo and she had assumed it would be easier by now, BECAUSE BABIES CHANGE A LOT FROM NEWBORN TO 9 MONTHS, but it isn’t.

The op isn’t redirecting her anger. She seems very rational and has found some entirely new anger for all the people on this thread who only go online to tell a struggling mum she’s pathetic and needs to get on with parenting and working 24/7, but her dh doesn’t because he deserves 6 days away for a hobby. I’m marvelling she’s been so moderate in her responses to some of the venom being served up here, despite the tiredness and stress.

Cows milk for a 9 month old????

Oh Good Grief

But not a brother because clearly men are crap

Totally her fault?

like there isn’t a second parent? No, 100% mums fault.

a 9 month old’s main nutrition is still milk. No 9 month old should be “100% on solids”. And she’s said why she can’t use non dairy formula, it’s in the post you quoted ffs.

it’s not a years notice. babies don’t give “notice” of what particular phase they’ll be going through at any particular time.

wind your neck in and keep your shit parenting “advice” to yourself.

this is what o/p’s angry at, the completely irrelevant, utterly crap “advice” basically telling her she’s doing motherhood wrong.

Shes perfectly within her rights to direct her anger at divs who don't know what they're talking about and clearly haven't read the thread.

She is run into the ground. Even if her husband wasn't going away I'd advise her to take some sick leave as she sounds like she needs it

@DiaryofaProvincialLady Hmm, where do I begin? Firstly I planned on having a natural birth in the midwife led unit at the hospital, had an ELCS, then planned on breastfeeding, didn't happen, then had to change milk three times, (SMA to Kendamil because I was told it was better, then to Althera then Alfamino because DS has a cow's milk protein allergy.) Was going to do baby led weaning, but started off with purées because DS doesn't like lumps, and now do a mixture. I did sleep training when he was two months old (gave him a bottle, a bath, then put him to bed) and co slept before that because it was the only way I got any sleep. And I'm a single mum, (wasn't planning on that either, but here we are,) but I'm firmly on OP's side here because I think her H is being a twat. I also had to give up work, which I didn't want to do. Babies don't read the manual.

I think he’s taking the fucking piss. He shouldn’t need you to tell him that he shouldn’t go, he should just have enough consideration and common sense to decide that himself.

I don’t blame you, OP, for getting snippy with the replies on this thread. Typical Mumsnet, with women defending men’s rights to do as they please and making out it’s your fault for ‘not planning better’

Now that would be bad parenting. 100% solids at 9mo would have me wondering if your baby was going to be ok. Nobody is wondering that about the ops, she is clearly doing everything a mum can for her baby.

YANBU imo - for me its one thing coping alone with a child waking up frequently in the night when you have to (because you’re a single parent, other parent absolutely needs to go away for work or medical emergencies etc) but another thing to know you are having to manage alone because the other parent wants to prioritise something else.

But there’s nothing you can really do if he can’t/won’t cancel. Imo though, you need to have a conversation in case he is planning on doing something like this again - perhaps you both need to agree that neither of you will stay away on a worknight unless absolutely necessary until your son’s sleep improves. Hopefully for your sake that won’t be too long (although I hate to say it but even my now 3 year old still wakes up at least a couple of times a night and like you, co- sleeping just doesn’t work for me!).

Btw OP, I can’t believe anyone would tell you to reduce the breastfeeding if you aren’t struggling with it - he’s only 9 months (WHO suggests breastfeeding for at least 2 years if you can, because apparently immune factors continue to increase till then); and breastfeeding is absolutely the easiest way to get a child to sleep/comfort them imo as well as releasing feel good chemicals like serotonin for you (and it sounds like you need as much as you can get at the moment!)

Yes in an ideal world, he’d feed before sleep and then only feed once in the night (if at all) by that age; but when you are stressed, sleep deprived and going to be alone is definitely not the time to start sleep - weaning (if you want to do that then ideally you need your DH there to take over the nights for a while - as DS will smell the milk on you and just cry more until he’s had a while to get used to no milk at night, so it’s definitely easier if Mum is not in the room).

4 little ones under 3 and none wake up that much. Clearly baby is hungry to want to feed so much at that age in the night, our twins are 9 months and sleep in there cots all night 7-7 they take 1 cup of milk each

The bar really is on the fucking floor.

Cannot belive how many people think because the OP will cope, she should cop her husband going on a jolly. Criticising her for shutting down the fun, come on. All parents of very young children have a bit less fun for a short period of time. This is the reality of parenting.

As for the suggestions that because a single
mum does this all the time, a partnered mum should have zero expectations of that partner…….unbelievable.

Nope, baby is just a waker. Mine still wake up most nights at 6 and often the 9yo. They just were terrible sleepers. The 3yo wakes and comes in with us every night.as babies they barely slept, they are healthy and well fed. Some babies are just like that, you should count yourself lucky rather than tell the op there’s something wrong with hers. The only way any of mine as babies would have slept like yours for even so much as a single night would be if they were sedated. And it’s truly bone deeply exhausting.

So tell him to cancel then? He’s already offered to, what’s the problem?

I’m halfway through the thread and getting irritated on your behalf by the amount of “helpful” advice including people telling you it’s your own fault.

He is being hugely selfish to go and should cancel. If he won’t, all I can suggest is that you take the week off work (unpaid leave if necessary, with him covering the shortfall in your household income) so that you can catch up on sleep during the day and don’t have to worry about doing your job at the same time as solo parenting a teething baby.