DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

Your twins aren't this baby though

Are you suggesting g she should stop breastfeeding to facilitate her husband's trip away? Either way theyve both decided for her to breastfeed. What do you mean by especially 9 months? As if 9 months is old enough to not be breastfeeding?

?

Are you talking about the OP's husband? Or @TheHerboriste? Or men in general? Struggling to figure this one out.

OP, I get the impression you are wanting justification here for you insisting your DH cancels his trip, and you're rejecting all the advice that doesn't fit this solution. I get that it's tough, but it's not that long a time. If you want to ask your DH to cancel, then ask him, but don't ask other people to give you permission to do this. Make your own decision.

How do you mean?

Just to say I think your DH should have accessed the situation himself, and that it wasn't appropriate to go himself let alone making an empty offer to cancel to guilt you into it

No, OP has said baby gets only breast milk. No wonder its starving and won't sleep! OP had a year's notice to sort solids but wants to martyr herself to her baby's detriment.

A 9 month old person is receiving only breast milk?

I don’t have time atm to read this whole thread. I’m assuming that post means breast milk rather than formula. Please tell me the child is receiving solids as well?

Well OP stated in about 7 different posts the baby

is "exclusively breast fed"
"has nothing to eat all day at childcare except a tiny bit of milk"
and is therefore "starving" when he comes home
and is therefore "glued to her boob all evening" and
and "waking through the night for milk"
and that DH can't help her "because he can't breastfeed"

AND THEN

Completely contradicts ALL of the above by claiming he eats LOADS of food and has 3 MEALS A DAY AT CHILDCARE when she previously said he only has a tiny bit of milk all day

How is this kid coming home "starving" and needing all night milk if hes eaten 3 meals???

Shark has jumped

Completely contradicts ALL of the above by claiming he eats LOADS of food and has 3 MEALS A DAY AT CHILDCARE when she previously said he only has a tiny bit of milk all day
It is not that hard to understand, baby eats solid food with a tiny bit of breast milk pumped in Nursery.

How is this kid coming home "starving" and needing all night milk if hes eaten 3 meals??? He loves his milk, it is a comforting, it is where he is happiest, sometimes babies can spend 24 hour on tne nipple, if it is available, they smell the milk and can't resist.

He's only a tot, not unusual, my DS was a savage for milk, he'd go all night at 9 months, even in his sleep.

Shark has jumped

Gosh, there are some awful replies on this thread. Really not helpful when you're already feeling down.

I have no advice, only solidarity. I have been exactly where you are (the hobby in my case being golf trips). All booked, no concern for me because 'all his friends got to go' but no consideration for the fact none of his friends' wives breastfed and it is SUCH a different situation.

He kept saying that if I didn't want him to go he wouldn't and all I had to say was no but I kept saying it was so unfair putting the onus on me to be the one to say no. It made me the bad guy and it kept his conscious clear so he would then say to his friends 'the wife says no' rather than him saying 'sorry lads, not this year, maybe next year'.

He went on a few but kept coming back to me an absolute shell of a human being after no help and no sleep. In the end, he stopped going until the baby was a bit older.

Awful experience, changed my perception of him and will stick with me forever (together with how he let his mother speak to me in my first 6 months pp).

Having babies brings out the best and worst in people.

OP isn't only giving the baby breast milk. She has said:

'Baby gets 3 big meals a day, loves steak and chicken, all substantial meals homemade by us, which he finishes every day as we see the photos/videos, and everyone comments what a great eater he is.

I saw the paedetrician last week and she said it was absolutely normal to NOT drop milk feeds at this stage while he is eating tons of solid food. He's doing a lot of growing and needs the calories and is unlikely to start dropping his milk intake for another 1 or 2 months.'

You are determined to twist everything OP says and to ignore her posts explaining why she is breastfeeding in your zeal to put the boot in.

Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat.
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE!
He’s doing what he has to do and you do the same. Housework etc can wait- I really can’t emphasise this enough! The world will still turn whether there’s dirty dishes or not.
At this stage you go into survival mode. By all means, if you both have a restful night and you feel full of beans, whack on the washing, clean and scrub til your heart’s content. Realistically, do what has to be done and chill out. Wishing you a restful time x

You are really not being unreasonable.

When I read replies like some your getting on this post, and other similar threads, I can’t help but think that the people thinking you should just “cope” are of the generation who had to give their lives up to look after their babies and their husbands didn’t and they consider that to be the norm.

It’s selfish of your husband to spend six days at a hobby conference right now - just like it would be if you spent six days at a hobby conference and left him with the baby.

He shouldn’t be telling you to tell him not to go, he should just not go.

He can go to the conference next year.

YEp. After posting that she is EBF and the baby has nothing to eat all day and is "starving". Now he's having massive meals and steaks. 😂

She's jumped the shark

Majority of men don’t want to be fathers? Interesting fact - which academic study did you find that in 🙄

EBF does not usually include steak and chicken. Something off about this.

Completely agree! And why do people think that shoving a baby on formula is the answer to any issues and less work than breastfeeding? Such a bizarre view.

The NHS recommends continuing bf until 2?

Didn't know that (mum of two).

Is that on the website? (Will have a look)

YANBU OP! I’m shocked at the replies you’re getting?
Having a baby with a dairy allergy is hell. Mine had it too.
I’d be sending your ‘D’H off on his hobby with the baby and a tub of formula and he could figure it all out himself!

I don’t have any help to give but hopefully it will get better. Does baby have any other food intolerances? Mine had loads and weaning was awful and then also hayfever where his eyes would go all puffy so we needed piriton from the dr.
If it all gets too much and you can’t take leave and haven’t slept then maybe call in sick one day, send baby to nursery and get some sleep.

I wouldn’t be happy about it. It would be so different if it was the woman going away and leaving a man for 6 days with a teething baby and a full time job, with no support

Regardless of how you feel he is going anyway so that should tell you how much of a priority you are to him. Quite a few threads on here recently about fathers insisting on their “hobby” time not being reduced after having children. I would be cross my husband cared so little for how I felt assuming you don’t moan about him having any free time which is important for both parents.

Hopefully you and your baby will be fine and I would definitely be making him step up more before he goes and when he returns.

Breastfeeding into your baby's 2nd year or beyond, alongside other foods, is ideal.

https://www.nhs.uk/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/your-questions-answered/

He’s doing what he chooses to do. She’s left doing all of what the family HAS to do - which is care for the baby.

You are entirely making things up. Op never said the baby “had nothing to eat all day” or that the baby was “starving”.
She said pumping wasn’t a worry because the baby only has a little bit of milk in the day.

Baby is glued to her in the evening clearly feeding for comfort. This is normal for a 9 month breastfeeding baby who has been away from mum all day. It’s nothing to do with starvation/ hunger,