DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

It sounds like it’s a huge deal to him but surely not as big as his wife’s mental health? Isn’t that the crux of what is going on here? She’s wants to be more important than a conference that happens every year (even if it’s a bloody great conference).

Not sure how feasible it is with a week to go but can you hire a night nanny or some sort of help for the nights? Yes I know they can't help with the breastfeeding but they could help with whatever your husband does eg the settling before 2am and the first morning change etc. Or if not hiring someone then maybe a friend can stay over for a night or two to do the same?

I'd be feeling the same as you but would also feel bad asking him to cancel at such short notice.

I think the difference is that you can’t tell someone you love (family/friend) when they can get married, have a stag etc. Those timings are largely out of your control and most people want to show up to these hopefully one off events to celebrate these big moments. Whereas the is going to an annual event when his wife really needs him. Yes, his mental health is important and it looks like it was prioritised in this instance but OP doesn’t have to be okay with this.

Ah god @ChunkyFTMMum 9 months was probably my LEAST favourite age so far for my daughter as she was exactly how you have described your LO to be and it was HARD. I totally feel your frustration, exhaustion and annoyance for being left in the lurch like that. When teeth are coming through and the sleep has gone to shit and you’re working full time it really feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting further away not closer. I think you wouldn’t be unreasonable at all to ask him not to go.

I have been where you are, and it isn’t easy. Sending hugs x

That's just obnoxious. I love DS 'the whole world' (something I said in my postpartum addled state) but was quite happy for the midwives to look after him so I could get a few hours sleep. (He was poorly, I was recovering from a c section, was feeling utterly bamboozled by becoming a mum, and I was on my own much of the time.)

My friend has had him overnight a few times (albeit I was in her house) just so I could get some sleep as well. Got ten hours once, it was bliss.

Found out one of my favourite bands was touring the UK in October. I'm sure my friend would have had him overnight so I could have seen them, and I'd've stayed in London and gone home the next day. But I didn't, because I have a child and can no longer do exactly what I want.

Oh, and because OP isn't being pathetically grateful for the most inane advice, some of you are being horrible.

@ChunkyFTMMum I'm so sorry your DH is being so insensitive. You must be on your knees. 💐

I hope you’ve laid out some consequences for him going away at this point Op. Taking time back at some time in the future is really not the same thing as being left for a week at this point. I have a 9 month old and I’d probably divorce my DH if he fucked off on a jolly at this point. It’s actually dangerous the level of sleep deprivation we’re experiencing with no break.

Sorry about this OP, other posters fail to read and are unhelpful and seem out of touch. it must be really hard working whilst dealing with the bad nights and clinginess of your little one. Your DH took a gamble and unfortunately should lose. He was silly to book to go, how could either of you know what kind of baby you would have and he should feel awful and guilty at the idea of leaving you in this situation. Plans can change, there will be another time for him to have his fun trips for his hobbies. His priority should be to support you with the baby whilst things are tough.

I wish there was a 😮😮 shocked face reaction - literal insanity on this thread. And then someone recently saying that OP should check her “anger” in her replies to the most batshit advice I’ve ever read. The OP seemed extremely reasonable to me all things considered, I don’t think I would have remained so calm being told I don’t love my baby and that my husband was going to tire of me because I’m such a buzzkill lol.

Yup, I've just reported that particularly vile post (but then that poster doesn't seem to have a filter and seems to actively enjoy kicking people when they're down so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised).

Quite. Mine never slept at all really so at 9mo with our second I went away for 3 nights, to have some recovery time. If dh had suggested going away I would have told him not to come back!!

Given how willing you are to punch down on an exhausted mum on the internet who is stressed at trying to cope solo with work and baby… aren’t you sweet.

This is single mums can do it so how dare you have any expectations of your dh vibe. Also, is it a new concept to you that some babies are easier than others?

I’ve just reported a few of the really personal attacks too. I hope the people who thought it ok to abuse a struggling mum like this have an epiphany and set their alarm for every hour all night for the next few weeks and see how they feel about life.

Laid out some consequences?!
She’s not his mother.

Anyone “laying out consequences” for me would be looking for another partner right quick.

If you needed them laying out then perhaps you should be. Every relationship has consequences for how the people in it behave. If you walk in the door and kick your dh, then there will be consequences. It’s far more adult to explain beforehand you can do this, and this is how I will feel about it, and our marriage, if you do, than it is to not communicate and then be mad. Is that your preferred approach?

Dont know why everyone is piling up on you. Allowing DH booking a trip while being pregnant is a while different thing than realizing how hard it is, working full time and taking care of a baby. There are several threads in which many posters are more sympathetic to that later incoming realisation.

I absolutely understand that it’s supa r hard and that you don’t want to cope by yourself for a week of funsies for DH when you are juggling full time work and a baby. That’s incredibly difficult.

i would probably pull through but make him organize a babysitter or help if possible. And organize food, clean everything in advance etc.
if you don’t want to pull through I would just tell him the truth - you didn’t realize how hard it would be, it’s a different reality and you are exhausted.

that should be enough. He can be resentful though about the lost fun and the lost money …. Or does he have an travel insurance thatvmighr cover the last minute cancellation?

I’m cabin crew - have been away 3-5 days a week since my kids were small. You’ll cope.
if he’s a good parent otherwise and you also get time to yourself then I suggest dealing with it.

It may be too late now but sleep training would help you, try Gina Ford. That is a lot of times for baby to wake up in the night. Maybe try to add a bottle feed for the night time to help for sleep.

Did you have to go back to work when your first child was 6 months old? Are you working full time in a pressured job where obviously no allowances are made for a sleep-deprived new mother?

Some of the responses to OP are patronising and others are downright mean. There seems to be an unwritten rule on Mumsnet where the OP must remain polite and grateful at all times but posters can be as horrible as they like in their responses.

OP is obviously at the end of her tether and panicking about the week on her own now that she is back at work so your post purely to tell OP that she is a dreadful person shows you in a terrible light.

OP has explained why co-sleeping wouldn't work for her.

Why are you telling OP that she doesn't like her baby or being a mum very much and saying that you can't imagine ever wanting to be away from your chlidren for even one night? OP isn't saying that she wants to be away from her baby, it's her husband that is going away to a hobby event so why aren't you directing your judgemental attitude at him rather than OP?

OP is in another country which obvious has far fewer employment rights for new mothers than in the UK. We don't know whether she has access to a health visitor.

Just feed your kid food and formula/ cows milk during the day (tell the carer to) then he won't be starving and hanging off your boob all night! You've already stated that this is the issue because he starving from "only a little milk all day" you said. Poor bugger. You sound bloody minded about BF only at the expense of your sanity and your poor baby's hunger! madness

If you had bothered to read OP's posts, she has said that:

'Baby has a severe dairy allergy and completely rejects hypoallergenic formula, we have tried, under the guidance of a paedetrician. Some parents add Nesquik to it to make it taste nicer. I am not willing to add Nesquik to my 9 month old's milk when I have plenty of milk for him.'

So her 'bloody mindedness' about breastfeeding is due to the baby's severe dairy allergy and her baby's rejection of the hypoallergenic formula.

I would be just like you. 6 days on my own at that age would have freaked me out with my non sleeper!

Do you have any family member that can help for a few nights? Would it help if you took a day of annual leave in-between?

It seems like other mums thinking you will cope, would you be proud of yourself if you did manage to achieve it?

’His commitment to himself’ 😆

So important that apparently OP should facilitate this through her commitment to him and, oh, their DC.