DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

‘Just let him, parent better, OP, and be nicer about being told to parent better’

You ARE 'the bad guy', so just own it and tell him you don't want him to go. Take responsibility for that.

I'd want a week away from you, based on how you are talking to people here.

It may be that he’s hungry? You might find that if you put him onto formula milk, he will sleep better through the night perhaps just for the last feed of the day? I’ve heard it’s more substantial and can help them sleep through. I don’t think your husband should cancel his trip however, I wish you all the best XX

Sorry, but I can't help suspecting, based on a lot of your posts on this site, that you spend a lot of time looking for another partner, or maybe just don't bother any more?

I'm sorry @ChunkyFTMMum that your conversation wasn't more productive. I know it's yet another thing to have to think about, but would you consider some marriage counselling? This sounds like the kind of thing where resentment could simmer and be damaging in the longer term. I'd be furious and very hurt in your shoes, and I don't think a tit for tat scoresheet on time away is the great solution it's seen as on Mumsnet.

Baby has a severe milk allergy and won't touch the hypoallergenic formula due to how bad tasting it is.

You clearly came on here thinking we would all be onside. But we’re not. It’s that simple, so so so many of us have done it alone.

I am so sorry, I am really surprised he is still going when he knows how exhausted you are feeling. I do hope he actually does some of the suggested things here before he goes like meal prepping, cleaning etc for you! And I hope you get some naps in in advance and on his return. I do remember when my little one was 9 months and I had gone back to work at 6, it was an especially difficult time, and I think it's because as you say it was such a change! I also couldn't co-sleep and was breastfeeding so I can relate. I think you might find you have to call in sick or take a day of in the middle, in case you get so exhausted. A lot of
the advice to go part time, quit breastfeeding etc is because it is clear that you have a lot on your plate, not that much support from your husband, and it's not sustainable, which is why this trip feels so unmanageable, as your choices relies on everything being a certain way. Maybe a nanny would be better than the childcare you currently have, longer term.

Absolutely agree with this. Routine. That’s all this comes down to. I started to implement some kind of routine from 4 weeks old and I’m so glad I did as even when teething it didn’t affect my little boy too much, he soon got back into the routine after a regression. I don’t think your husband should miss the trip.

No, I won't call in sick, I can’t risk getting fired or letting clients become unhappy.

What do you do that is so senior and important, yet risks you getting fired if you are sick?

It sounds like you may not be safe to drive if you are so exhausted.

I have been generally supportive of your situation - stating that the issue is mainly that your DH is not supporting you, but your reluctance to take a few days leaves me a bit baffled.

No it wasn’t actually. I’ve already answered this snarky point, but the ‘or something’ referred to friend, brother, sister, father…’.

Yea childcare often falls to women, they do give birth.… that is not the point of this thread. Personally would rather the help of my MIL, hence my suggestion.

the o/p isn’t in the UK. There are countries where employees don’t have the rights we have in the UK, and can be fired for any reason.

unhappy clients can get them fired. Taking time off can get them fired. Not putting in stupid hours gets them fired. Not being available to answer phones or emails on vacation or out of hours can get them fired.

I agree. I don’t understand the advice that’s always given to take a week off at a later time either. OP wants help now, not a future spa weekend!

it doesn’t matter if millions have sucked it up and done it themselves, and I’m saying this as someone who was a single parent for a couple of years. The fact that you’ve explained how this would affect you and he still has chosen to go is quite shocking I think. I’d be taking his week away to seriously consider whether I want to remain married.

I don’t think your DC getting through teething was just down to your routine. I’m more of a ‘go with the flow’ mum, as someone else put it, and my son was fine during teething too. Some kids don’t seem to be too fussed by teething, others are totally thrown by it for weeks. It’s not down to parenting styles, it’s down to each child.

I think everyone needs to remember that none of us have been in OP’s exact position (although some can understand the sleep deprivation more than others) and the point of this whole discussion is not whether she is parenting ‘correctly’ but whether her husband should prioritise his hobby over her mental health.

OP did he refuse to cancel the trip? If so I would be raging

OP if you are still reading, many people DO get what you are saying and sympathise greatly.
It’s one thing for your DH to say he understands but if he’s still going then he doesn’t really does he.
Your job sounds completely full on and super demanding. Having the work stacking up even if you take leave doesn’t help either and is a totally separate scenario.
Best wishes for you to get through the sleep deprivation and an unnecessarily hard 6 days.

OP - stop winging and just get on with it. People have tried to help on here and you’ve spoken to them like shit.

I get it. You both have a young baby, yet he can just get up and go whenever he wants and leave you for several days when things are difficult. I’d be upset too. He’s choosing his fun over his family’s needs.

Ah yes, I forgot OP isn't in the UK. Wherever it is sounds horribly incompatible for people (women) with children :-(

Even more reason for her DH not to bugger off then. If their livelihood is at risk if OP takes a day off sick, it seems pretty reckless of him, never mind selfish.

@ChunkyFTMMum

sorry I misread your initial post and thought he was away for a weekend. Absolutely you take a week for yourself 😀

Oh and you can always just divorce your husband if you’re not happy with him OP @ChunkyFTMMum

Why are you EBF? Unless I've missed the post that says they also have cereal, pasta, fruit and toast? If you are just EBF you are going to be exhausted because your baby is going to start being hungry. I know that it's viewed that food for one is for fun these days but mine was absolutely starving hungry at seven months. We did a mix of BF and regular food. They slept so much better for it. I think you'd be far less exhausted if you weren't pumping all the time too. I was down to four BF a day by that point.

Ask DH if he will batch cook two or three meals for you and do a food shop.
Also ask him to have fuel in the car for you and any other thing that would make a nice difference.

Is having your sister or parents over for a night or two something that would allow you to sleep in or have an early night?

Former single mum to 2 under 2. You'll be fine OP.