DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

We've had a chat, he will go but understands what a shit show he's leaving me with. His offer to cancel his trip turns out was an empty offer. But he's more excited than I am worried so whatever, it's where we are.

I am not controlling. The reason I left it so late is BECAUSE I want him to enjoy things.

I'm panicking about an entire week by myself on so little sleep. It's one thing to be this sleep deprived when you're on mat leave. It's a whole different game now I'm at work but also still breastfeeding so much.

My cup is truly 100% empty at the moment and my health, mental and physical, is down the drain. I was hoping my DH cared more about me than his conference.

No, I won't call in sick, I can’t risk getting fired or letting clients become unhappy.

Baby was a wonderful sleeper 4-7 months. This is a very recent development where he is waking every 2 hours, he hasn't done this since he was 4 months old. Probably something to do with absolutely constant teething, just crawling, and some form of separation anxiety.

LOL at those telling me to quit my job, my baby shouldn't have breastmilk, shouldn't be teething so much and I should ignore his cries of pain in the name of sleep training. What fucking planet are you on?

@Cherrytree86 why do I only get a weekend in exchange for his week away?

If she didn't want him to go AT ALL, I would disagree but at least there would be some integrity to her stance.

But she has plainly said that there are events she would deem worthy of her coping alone, such as (bizarrely) other people's weddings and stag dos. So she CAN cope, she just doesn't want to if it's to accommodate HIS hobby.

Deciding what she will and will not facilitate regardless of HIS personal feelings and priorities is the absolute epitome of controlling.

Regarding your update. I think he's more of a jerk than before.

@TheHerboriste oh FFS. Weddings, significant family events, all involve a commitment to other people, people we probably love and respect so yes I would facilitate that over a hobby conference that happens every single year. The conference is there next year. He doesn't disappoint anyone by not going. That is my line of reasoning.

The reason for being away absolutely matters. Don't be so obtuse.

I'd say take two weeks at least, since you've been doing night feeds forever. I can only imagine how tired you are. But I can also imagine you are a caring mum that wouldn't want to be away longer than a weekend.

I'm glad your husband at least acknowledges the position he is putting you in. Do you have a friend or family nearby that can help out while he's away?

You are totally replaceable at work, however important you feel. Your clients will survive if you take a sick day. You won't lose your job over a sick day. You come first. You don't need to punish yourself to show your husband how much you're going to suffer. Just be practical and look after yourself.

OP the update makes it worse. I'm sorry.

You know what though, you can do this and you absolutely will.

Is this part of a wider behaviour pattern with him?

I find it odd that he has absolutely no friends at a hobby conference, surely he'll be bored AF!

I’m not sure if you’re still checking this thread but for what it’s worth I’m completely with you on this one.
you are partners and in this together. You have explained how difficult you are finding things and he is going anyway
you must feel very let down :-(

I think people would be a bit more helpful if you weren't so harsh. "Don't be obtuse" or the one about giving Calpol for teething "I'm not stupid". 🙄

I’m so sorry he’s been crap and selfish 🤬

Of course you didn’t know this particular week was going to be during such a hard time - part of parenting babies/toddlers is telling yourself it’ll all be fine tomorrow and it’s just a phase. Even a week or a month ago, it could’ve all felt super easy and you convinced yourself that you’d smashed parenting!

Obviously a wedding or stag is different to a hobby trip. It’s surprising you’re having to explain the difference between a one off event for a loved one and a trip which could happen literally any time…

And asking your partner to be mindful of your mental health is not controlling. Telling him he’s simply not allowed to go - controlling. Having an adult conversation and saying you don’t want him to go because you’re really struggling - honest, open communication. It’s like when people say it’s controlling asking when someone might be back from work or a night out. Or saying it’s controlling when I have to ask my husband to head home from work asap because I’m feeling a little overwhelmed - not controlling, just asking for help from the person who is equally responsible for our kids!

It’s good you had the talk. At least it’s 100% clear that this is a huge sacrifice (on top of a huge pile of sacrifices you’re already making). You’re meant to be a team and he failed this time. It doesn’t mean it’s game over or he’s a totally rubbish husband. He’s human and he’s being selfish.

🙄

As the parent of an awful sleeper I really, really feel for you, OP. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I don't understand men who can watch the supposed love of their life suffer more than necessary at this sort of stage. Did you mean you've actually asked him to stay and he's refused?

Baby was a wonderful sleeper 4-7 months

I know it doesn't feel it now when you are exhausted OP but on balance you were very lucky and have had months of regular sleep, you can power through this and chances are baby will return to being a good sleeper soon.

He's incredibly selfish, OP and I wouldn't forget this if I were you. I'd make sure he wasn't planning to fuck off anywhere else until your baby is more settled and definitely make it clear that you are taking some time when baby is no longer breastfeeding because you deserve a good chunk of time to yourself too.

Whats that meant to mean oh actually i should be thanking you It proves the point the OP of the grandmothers and childcare thread has made

None of us have any idea what the culture or repercussions are of calling in sick for the op in the country she lives in.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation op.

I just came to say that you sound like a dreadful person to be around right now OP. The fact that you made a post where you are angry at your DH and seemingly wanting some advice from other posters then subsequently lashed out rudely at any poster that made any kind of suggestion to help you is really telling of your state of mind.

I have a 1 year old that I’ve been exclusively breastfeeding, now in my second trimester of a second pregnancy and exhausted with what often feels like little help from my husband so I do sympathise a lot with you. However, taking the anger that you feel towards your husband out on us here is strange and you need to check that.

Award for the least helpful post on the thread.

Congratulations

Baby might not be teething still when he goes so don’t panic. Can he do all your meal prep for the week and pop it in the freezer so you just need to reheat stuff, book a cleaner for a one off so you have no chores aside from childcare and can you take a day or two annual leave from work to just rest in the day so you’re able to do the night wakes?

I wouldn’t make him cancel the trip, it’s been booked and paid for a long time and if baby is ebf you’re doing the night wakings anyway. My eldest woke every 1-2 hours for a whole year, I did every wake up so I know how exhausting it is but it won’t last forever I promise. Make sure you also get time to yourself.

Of course he shouldn’t cancel!! Come on!! I really can never understand people who can’t cope for a few nights alone!!

Because a spa weekend is the MN answer to everything...

She hasn't said she can't cope. Shes said she doesn't want to have to.

In which country would you be fired for being too unwell to come to work? Reminding yourself that you are replaceable at work gives such freedom. Why should op be more concerned about clients waiting one day than looking after herself? Surely she comes first.