DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

Totally agree, and if my husband had asked to book a holiday for a week on his own when we were going to have a nine month old baby, I'd most likely have said "are you joking" ... but what I wouldn't do is wait until a week before and then say he's being unfair

Replied but wasn’t really relevant so edited! You’re right - there was a lot of time to change the plan. I guess you always hope it’ll be easier soon. And then it gets easier for a week and then it’s hard again! But they’ll all know for next time!

I get it, but the baby has been here for nine months and from what I gathered from the posts, he's not been sleeping well for at least the last 4 months. Surely, surely this would've come up in conversation before now?

@Whatsgoingonherethenagain

what??

I don't know. I think everything's so crazy that first year. Every time you think you've found a routine, something happens. Teething, weaning, sleep regression. It's really intense, and going back to work can be exhausting, physically and mentally. I can completely see telling yourself, this is fine, I've got this, and then realising you're feeling overwhelmed.

I do think hobbies and outlets and other interests are important. But I also don't think they need to be treated as sacrosanct and it doesn't kill anyone for them to take a backseat for limited periods of time. We both have hobbies, but accepted that we were going to put each other and the baby first for a while.

Everyone's different, but I have to say, at 9 months we were alternating between tearing our hair out and being completely besotted. I can't imagine actively choosing to be away from the baby for a week, as opposed to needing to for work or being away for a day or two, particularly that pfb. I think I would have been disappointed in a partner with those priorities, particularly if they could see I was struggling.

So you get a fun trip for 6 days(or 2x 3 days) as well and he can cope alone too;fair is fair.

Spend your time away catching up on sleep/resting/enjoy things you like/having a long hot bath in peace.

It means showing care and consideration to your loved wife, wanting to make her life easier, being there for her in the tough times, and not being the “me first” twat you were as a single man

As an employer this pisses me off. Anyone who did this in my company would face disciplinary action.

Why should her employer suffer because some selfish bloke wants to have a jolly?

I agree, I’d be pretty disappointed if my partner chose to do this. But given it’s already booked and paid for I think I’d be inclined to just make it very clear it wasn’t likely to be a repeat situation. I just can’t see any good coming of cancelling one week before.

Just muddle through. The week will end before you know it.

that's life! no parent has it easy!

Did you choose to be a parent? This is just one of thousands of things you will have to accept are not your ideal scenario...

single?

Didn't her DH also choose to be a parent?

What goes around comes around, no, but my 3 are older (9/11/12) but neither of us would veto another’s weekend away etc (albeit a week is a long time. Sounds like you live in America (?) so work/life balance not so respected. I feel your pain but the baby years are a distant foggy memory!

um you came for advice but have shunned all advice. You sound a bit controlling and have been a bit confrontational.

I breastfed for 8 years in total (different children). It was a choice and I had to accept it was going to be more demanding and there would be a loss of sleep.

You don’t know that tooth will come through, there will never be a good time when you have kids - even when they’re older - there’s always something. If you deprive your partner of the trip he will be resentful trust me. I think your best bet is to try and take some of the great suggestions on here to make it easier for yourself. Start planning your vacay to look forward to.

Ashtons teething powders really helped mine.

It doesn’t sound unlike my DC at the same age. I was by this time a single parent, with no family to support me and working full time.
I went to bed pretty much as soon as they nodded off. I figured resting was of some use to me. Phone off so I could rest.
I bulk cooked meals and used a slow cooker too. These strategies were helpful with cutting down food prep.
You’ll get through it. Just try and cut as many corners as you realistically can beforehand to cut down on domestic jobs.
Good luck 🍀

Most posts have said OP should be a ‘cool wife’ and facilitate her H’s trip, and offered parenting advice. Not ‘controlling’ of her not to want him to go in the circumstances she’s outlined.

Yes, but why should she get through it?
You didn’t have a partner she does.
Let’s not race to the bottom

It's not unreasonable to ask him to cancel, but I think you'd probably prefer if he worked out for himself that he needs to be more present. I think you need to say 'I am finding things very tough and while I understand we both want to retain our pre-child lives, the reality is that I can't do that. Can you see that? Please consider how would you feel if I left you with the baby for 6 nights?' See if you can get some acknowledgment of what you've had to give up and what he's asking from you.

But what if he goes and she's resentful. Does that not matter?

why not his dad?

Why not try the old method of giving a very milky Rusk at his last feed? This should be enough for the whole night. You’re making a rod for your own back. As a new mum, you’d do well to heed some of the advice in this thread, given in good faith to help you. Single mums, and mums who have husbands who work away, manage fine…you will too.

My husband always travelled, leaving me at home with four children. It wasn't unusual for him to be away for several months, even when the children were tiny. It was his job, which he had trained hard for and enjoyed.
We're older now and retired and he says how grateful he is that I didn't try to stop him travelling when he was younger, the work was enjoyable, well paid and he loved it.
I can see that it's different if it's for his hobby, but I'm hoping for your sake that he doesn't start to do this regularly.

!