DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

or perhaps she was hoping things would get better? Babies change from week to week, last month he may have been fine, or she was thinking this can’t go on much longer 😂

I had my babies 22 years ago and the weaning advice was 6 months. It seems odd that you’d be happy that you could follow advice which has been shown to be not best practice, and can cause harm. Strange thing to say. We know better now.

'all of this'? He's the baby's parent too, why are you making it sound like he's doing OP a favour?

He should offer to cancel. I doubt he will given what you have said, but I just wanted to hold your hand and say this is not on you. He should have recognised that this is a really hard stage, that you must be exhausted, and that him getting a 6 day break is not fair. It just isn't fair.
You are not unreasonable to wish that he would stay with you both during this time and it is horrible of him to say that you have to decide whether he can go or not. If you tell him it's fine, he can rid himself of responsibility, but if you tell him to stay then you are a buzz-kill. He should be mature enough to read the room and recognise that in your eyes, as a tired, hardworking mother who needs support, that this is about more than just a trip, it is about how he sees and values his family 💐 Sending love and luck to you OP.

it will never be a good time

you will cope, because you have too. I do not have much sympathy for woe is me parents as a single/solo mum doing everything 24/7 myself

This thread has been a frustrating read. From people trying to force co-sleeping on her to people suggesting she reduce her working hours to the martyr mums saying how hard they had it and they managed just fine....

OP has mentioned she has already been left for a total of a month this year and we are only in May. To be supportive of that and then have to face into a 6 day stint with a teething baby when you are exhausted and working full time is bloody hard! He's not going to be letting anyone down by not going (in comparison to if it was a stag, wedding, work event, etc...).

If you are still here OP, sorry you got a hard time. I don't have the answer on whether or not you should ask him not to go, because my guilt would override everything for me. Realistically no matter what you decide you will end up feeling like shit and that's really hard. Hopefully the week flies by and the teething eases!

Call in sick for the week. Babies not well, your run into the ground

How about he goes on this trip and then as soon as baby stops breastfeeding in night, you go away for a spa weekend?! @ChunkyFTMMum
win, win!

@Millie90

does your idea of “growing up” basically mean giving up your social life, hobbies, exercise…basically anything that isn’t parenting or working or looking after the house??

People seem to be being deliberately obtuse or naive about the hell of having a bad sleeper.

I have an 18mo and wouldn't be happy with my DH leaving us for 7 nights unnecessarily as our 18mo is a terrible sleeper and we are just about surviving (both work FT, i do 6 nights pw and he does 1 night pw of dealing with wakes).

It's fucking shit and yes I'd ask him to cancel. Family comes first. Either that or book the week off work (take it as unpaid so you don't lose AL and ask him to make up your wages) so you can rest. That way it's fair.

OP I feel you are getting some harsh/unhelpful responses. Yes, some of your posts are coming across as rude but it’s clear you are exhausted and are not looking for parenting advice. I remember 9 months was tricky, especially when breastfeeding and being back at work, they like to make up for that lost time at night!

You are not unreasonable to ask him to cancel. Before the baby is here I think it’s really normal to assume life will be back to some sort of normality and they’ll be sleeping through- in which case the trip would be manageable. And I can understand you not asking before now and also wanting to not have to ask, but for him to see it by himself that the trip isn’t a good idea. I don’t think partners can fully understand how intense this stage is- when you’re at work all day, spending a long time breastfeeding after and then waking up multiple times in the night. You will need to be honest- tell him how exhausted you are, that you’re struggling at the moment and could really do with him being around. If you don’t say something, the resentment is going to make you feel worse.

This

My husband worked away a lot when we had our 4th baby. We now have 5 children and he has had a few “fun” trips over the years too. I’ve always just took annual/parental leave to make it a bit easier. Could you take the week off?

Bingo!

Is this hobby conference an annual thing? Can you just ask him to postpone it until next year? You’ll likely be in a much better position next year, baby will likely (hopefully) be sleeping through and unlikely to be teething.

Cannot believe the unhelpful and deliberately condescending posts on this thread. The classic, “I’ll cancel if you ask me too” is absolutely ridiculous. It’s clear that going away for a completely avoidable reason is putting unnecessary stress on the OP. I hope your husband realises himself, because I think if he doesn’t then this will cause a lot of resentment. I’m so sorry that your baby is teething so much and obviously needs the comfort of breastfeeding. I hope that things get easier for you.

It's not frivolous. Avocations and hobbies keep us developing as people and are a crucial part of a well-rounded life.

Sure, but sometimes your family takes precedence. It's a moment in time, not a lifetime. The person he's chosen to spend his life with and procreate with is in a tough spot right now. Choosing not to see that and help address it does not point to a well-rounded life at all. It points to a solipsistic existence led by someone who's choosing not to see what's in front of him because it's inconvenient. I do think, however, it's unreasonable of the OP to not have an honest and open conversation with him.

Frankly you are just resentful and want everyone to validate your feelings. This isn't happening and you are getting cross. Tell him not to go but remember on your head be it. He will feel resentful instead. You have a baby problem not a husband problem. Baby does not need to feed this much. Ask the nursery to increase his solid food in the day and consider how long this can go on for as it is obviously affecting your MH atm.

What are you talking about, babies main nutrition is from milk up to age 1. Food is for fun, not his source of energy.

It's one off and for 6 days so I wouldn't personally ask him not to go.

It sounds like the main problem you have is the sleeping. I can only go from my experience and of course all babies are different but that is alot of wake ups for a 9 month old. Is he looking for food, cuddles, to be in the bed with you etc?

If the OP is working full time, a 6pm bedtime might not be possible

Also surprised by how many people say they cope just fine with X, Y, Z so why can’t OP. Or why doesn’t she change her work schedule/feeding/sleeping set up. Or saying why can’t her DH have hobbies like it doesn’t impact her.

Surely we’ve all worked out that different parts/stages of parenting affect people differently. if someone says something is hard. It’s hard. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand, you can still empathise.

I think probably because OP has said she can cope when her husband is on a work trip...but can't when he's on a leisure trip

I don't think she's said she can't. The question seems to me to be more, why should she? Is she obligated to suck up a hard time/hire extra help/change her schedule/the way she feeds their child/take annual leave for him to have a week of leisure under these circumstances?

I think yes, purely because it wasn't sprung on her. She knew he had booked it a year ago. If she doesn't want to cope, then she needs to tell him. The baby isn't new news, they were both aware of his/her existence when the trip was booked.

She could have voiced her distaste for it much earlier. I'm not saying I'd be thrilled either. But lets be honest, what good is going to come of him cancelling? They both sit indoors miserable for the evenings while the baby breastfeeds constantly?

Why not, suck it up while he enjoys some time outside of parenting. And then do the very same yourself next time you feel able to take leave. Parents are people, martyring yourself 24/7 doesn't benefit anyone. Having children should enhance your life, not ruin it.

Edited to add: she doesn't take annual leave/hire someone else when he's on a work trip...so why would that be different if the purpose of his trip is different? These were just suggestions from PPs to ease the load she feels she'll have while he's away.

I think she said that because everyone was telling her to change how she’s doing things so she felt the need to highlight that it’s why he’s going away that’s the issue. It just makes life harder (when it’s already hard) so she’d rather he was around.

And work trips aren’t optional (in my experience). I’d rather my husband didn’t go away for work but obviously I wouldn’t ask that of him because it’s unreasonable. I also wouldn’t ask him to miss out on a major event in a friend’s life (wedding, stag do). I would, however, not worry about asking him not to go away for an extended period of time for a hobby at this point in our lives. Maybe an exception would be some once in a lifetime event (some sports event maybe!?) but that would likely be 1/2 nights. I understand that plenty of people don’t mind their DHs doing this - I don’t think I’m ‘right’, I’m just trying to empathise with the OP.