DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

I committed to all sorts of things before I had a baby which I then massively regretted when the time came. Even if it was a totally random thing or an incredible opportunity, my son would be teething or sick and I’d kick myself for planning anything in advance! So it’s perfectly reasonable to feel fuming about your husband leaving you for a week for his hobby .

In terms of the chat, you just need to be honest. Say your ideal situation is that he cancels the trip because you appreciate him being there to help when it’s so tough. I don’t think there’s any point in bottling up stuff when it’s your other half. He must already appreciate that you’re going to have a tough week! That doesn’t mean he will do it and doesn’t mean he has to do it because he’s his own person but open communication is so important.

With a week to go, he’ll probs go. Obviously, you’ll survive the week, you’ll feel rubbish etc. and you’ll resent him having fun whilst you’re exhausted but at least telling him how you feel means he will appreciate that this isn’t something he can do again whilst you’re in the trenches. I’d put this trip down to a naive blip and make sure nothing is booked without a proper chat about how it might actually be (because lots gets easier but some things get harder!).

Your DH is being totally selfish and inconsiderate. He sounds very self absorbed.

You either tell him to grow a pair and be a responsible father or make it known him how much you feel you will struggle if he goes away. So, in knowing that, you would like him to make the decision whether to go or not, rather than putting the pressure on you to tell him what to do.

Yanbu, I don't think he should go under the circumstances.
He'll be exhausted on his return, two already stretched tired parents, tired for very different reasons.

The OP and her DH live in a country with really poor maternity leave. She says that most women only get 3 months mat leave and that she was lucky as she got 6 months unpaid leave. Countries like this don't normally have generous annual leave entitlement so just telling OP to book annual leave probably isn't the solution, plus she has a senior job which makes booking annual leave with little notice very difficult.

Living where she does also means no family to step in. She has a baby with a severe dairy allergy so breast feeding is the best thing for her baby. No wonder she is so stressed. Her DH should voluntee to cancel his trip.

But she said she'd be OK with it, if it were for a wedding or stag do. Why on earth does she get to deem what is essential to his life and what is not?

Why can't Men bloody well grow up!!! . Drives me mad...once you have children your life changes. Some people just aren't willing to make sacrifices.

Call it equality. Women aren't allowed to have fun or want nice things once they become mothers. When does OP get a six day jaunt doing her hobbies?

Well the men can fuck off then. We'll extract their sperm and they can go on their merry way. But no more sex, because that's fun and there's a risk of pregnancy and we wouldn't want that! Nope, women and children in one corner and men in the other. Once boys turn 18 we'll send them to live with the men. 🙄

(Deep sarcasm here, in case anyone is wondering!)

I think that's the point. It'll be difficult but she'll manage. She does this massive favour for the man she loves and he owes her a massive favour sometime in the future when she's not breastfeeding.

That's how it works in our family anyway.

It's not frivolous. Avocations and hobbies keep us developing as people and are a crucial part of a well-rounded life. We have no idea how long the husband has been cultivating this hobby or what it means for his mental health.

She said she'd be OK if he were going to someone else's stag do; talk about the absolute epitome of frivolous.

The point being, she is willing to cope if it's for something SHE deems OK, like a wedding or stag party. But she's not willing to cope (without complaint) if it's something HE deems necessary to his life. Talk about controlling and domineering.

Hmmm I agree you are being a bit of a martyr

it’s hard - I know! I have an 11 month old and a 4 year old

i work full time too back since he was 9 months

I’m shattered

but I still go out every other Saturday night with friends and buy tickets for stuff I want to go to and go to my gym classes and swimming before work or after work land we tag team the childcare

both still do our hobbies we did before - it was a period of time we weren’t obviously- but life outside the home and baby is really good for your head.

the baby will sleep bad and be up half the night if I’m there or not and I won’t sleep better having been out or home it’s all the same - so I chose to go out regularly

Call it equality. Women aren't allowed to have fun or want nice things once they become mothers. When does OP get a six day jaunt doing her hobbies?

Well the men can fuck off then. We'll extract their sperm and they can go on their merry way. But no more sex, because that's fun and there's a risk of pregnancy and we wouldn't want that! Nope, women and children in one corner and men in the other. Once boys turn 18 we'll send them to live with the men. 🙄

(Deep sarcasm here, in case anyone is wondering!)

you're not being unreasonable OP. You’re clearly absolutely knackered. I get it. You can’t just take time off work and you can’t reduce your hours to accommodate his hobby.

Frankly your ‘D’H sounds like an arse. it worries me more that he either doesn’t recognise (or perhaps care??) that you’re on the floor here. I’d be giving serious thoughts about the relationship if he’s not willing to proactively cancel and instead will make you feel like the bad guy when even I can tell from reading your posts that your exhausted.

Yes you agreed to the trip when you were pregnant but that’s now irrelevant the situation has changed and he needs to step up to that and not be a selfish arsehole. As you say you didn’t get pregnant all by yourself.

Tend to agree.
Keeping your own identity and hobbies keeps you sane in a relationship and as parent. Let him go and then make a little list of things you’d like to go and do when he’s back. You are not just a mum.

Love this response so much more than the ‘your husband is being a dick’ posts.

Why on earth don't you just hire a temporary Nanny for the week - a night time one if it's only evenings and nights that you need your husband's help with ?

I love this for you, I really do but not all babies are made of the same stuff and neither are the men. I probably was a bit of a martyr when my children were babies because they were stuck to me like glue due to breastfeeding and I had a useless partner (now ex) who wouldn't allow me the freedom that you enjoy.

I don't think OP is being a martyr, she's tired and frustrated, trying to give her baby her all whilst working full time and despite having a partner is seemingly left alone whilst he works away and now he wants a 6 day fun trip. I think OP needs to lay it on the table with her DH so he recognises how desperate she is but I don't think it's nice to tell a mother on her knees she's a martyr.

Surely the obvious reason is that they probably can't afford it? Availability would likely be an issue now too.

Yes that was the ‘or something’. His sister, his aunt, his brother, his best friend … whoever is likely to be most helpful. In my experience this is my MIL.

Hard to know what to say. Personally I wouldn't mind at all - mine did hobby trip that long at 5 weeks with DC2. But you do so I think you probably need to communicate that and discuss solutions - can he go for shorter length of time? Can you take annual leave or unpaid parental leave for the time so then baby will BF during the day and the evenings won't be quite so hectic? All meals prepped by him beforehand so you just need to reheat on the day? Night nurse/nanny?

He’s not boring at all and he has friends and other interests, he just doesn’t stay out really late or go away for several days while our child is little and needs a lot of time and energy from us/me because he is supportive and wants to spend time together. He can do those things when she’s older.

It would be one thing if the OP was happy for him to go but as the week went on she found it was more difficult than she had anticipated. But he can surely see she’s struggling. Is he going to come back and talk about what a brilliant time he had?

Bit of a tangent, but some babies with dairy allergies can also react to beef - is he having it often? Just you mentioned things have got worse since around weaning age. From a formerly bf, df mum x

She says herself that going away for a stag do would be fine. I honestly don’t see the difference.

Jogging on now!

So he does all this usually but your begrudging him taking a few days away for his hobby?

I'm with you here, sometimes in life we can't do everything we want and have to make some sacrifices. That's what comes with having children. I can imagine you are bloody worn out, and just can't begin to get your head around the fact that he's going to disappear for 6 days and not be having any of the difficulties you will be having.

Listen, if you aren't feeling it, tell him loud and clear, resentment can eat away at a relationship otherwise. Don't let it be the moment you go back to in future arguments, reminding him of how he left you when you needed him there. It will just have to be the first taste he gets of having to work as a team and putting himself second on this occasion.

Why didn’t you tell him that you wanted him to cancel 3-4 weeks ago??why wait until the week before? People aren’t mind readers , they need to be told or are you sitting at home playing the martyr, pretending that you can do everything

what a good baby though getting all his teeth (5 in five weeks)bang in line with the teething chart

I'm glad I had my ds 25 yrs ago, they were allowed in their own room and you could start weaning at 3 - 4 months, he slept through from 3 months