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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away, 9 month old baby

704 replies

ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:43

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

  • Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
  • I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
  • exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
  • baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

OP posts:
onestepfurtheragain · 05/05/2025 17:42

It was booked a year ago, before you even knew you were pregnant with DS. You’ve had plenty of time to cancel/ discuss cancelling. You sound incredibly resentful but the fact is that you have made the choice to breastfeed your son, and to continue breastfeeding once back at work. I did the same - it does tie you down and create pressure on you but it’s not forever.

Surely your DH is allowed to continue to enjoy his hobby - obviously not a new interest? People have made so many useful suggestions on this post - ready meals, taking a bit of leave (a couple of afternoons?), ditching the housework for a week. A week of less sleep is pretty standard for parents of young children. You will manage.

It’s all possible and will allow your DH to have a bit of fun. Once you’ve stopped breastfeeding, arrange a trip away with some girlfriends. Marriage is about compromise and partnership.

I’m wondering if there is something more to your anger and resentment. Good luck OP.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2025 17:56

“He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.”

Did he at least ask you, knowing you’d have a child to care for by yourself for 6 nights?!

RatalieTatalie · 05/05/2025 17:56

SnowSnow · 05/05/2025 17:32

You seem to be getting a hard time on here OP. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. It’s recommended not to cut night feeds that baby is waking for until at least 12 months or even 18months.
I personally wouldn’t want my DH to go away for that long unless he had to because frankly our little one is hard work and wakes a lot for a BF and we also have a dog who is a recent amputee so it’s super hard to do everything myself. So I think it is fair enough to feel how you do.

Would you not raise that at the point of booking though, not wait til a week before

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2025 17:57

onestepfurtheragain · 05/05/2025 17:42

It was booked a year ago, before you even knew you were pregnant with DS. You’ve had plenty of time to cancel/ discuss cancelling. You sound incredibly resentful but the fact is that you have made the choice to breastfeed your son, and to continue breastfeeding once back at work. I did the same - it does tie you down and create pressure on you but it’s not forever.

Surely your DH is allowed to continue to enjoy his hobby - obviously not a new interest? People have made so many useful suggestions on this post - ready meals, taking a bit of leave (a couple of afternoons?), ditching the housework for a week. A week of less sleep is pretty standard for parents of young children. You will manage.

It’s all possible and will allow your DH to have a bit of fun. Once you’ve stopped breastfeeding, arrange a trip away with some girlfriends. Marriage is about compromise and partnership.

I’m wondering if there is something more to your anger and resentment. Good luck OP.

Why don’t people read OPs anymore? It says it was bought while she was pregnant. Not before she knew.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2025 17:59

OP, why doesn’t co-sleeping work for you? This was the only way I got any sleep… and it didn’t create a rod for my back or any other bull that people tell you.

Chungai · 05/05/2025 18:00

9-10 months was the hardest time for me with DC2.

I would say to DH, I'm worried about coping with work and baby by myself when you're due to go to X. It's a really hard time for me. Can we talk through the options?

And hopefully he'll offer to cancel!

Insertcreativenamehere · 05/05/2025 18:01

My H worked away a lot when our kids were younger, in fact he still does. Yes it’s hard, yes it’s sucky but you will get through it and feel stronger and more resilient in the long run. I have no intention of ever having to ‘do it all’ on my own but at least I know I can which gives me a certain confidence and peace of mind.

Insertcreativenamehere · 05/05/2025 18:03

I also breasted and worked fulltime so I get it. I used to sit and pump milk in my breaks/lunchtime!

ForNoisyReader · 05/05/2025 18:04

When is this trip planned for? Sorry if you’ve already answered and I’ve missed it. Your baby is 9 months now, I would say if he’s going away in the next week or two and going to lose out on a lot of money I’d just get by

BruFord · 05/05/2025 18:09

Insertcreativenamehere · 05/05/2025 18:03

I also breasted and worked fulltime so I get it. I used to sit and pump milk in my breaks/lunchtime!

@Insertcreativenamehere Yes, the hours I spent attached to that blooming machine! Mine are teenagers so the amazing hands-free ones didn’t exist back then, I had a static electric one. But it did give me some freedom as they’d take bottles of expressed milk from DH.

Berryslacks · 05/05/2025 18:11

FartfulCodger · 05/05/2025 15:26

I don’t know how I would feel if my husband said he was planning to go away for a week for his hobby because it wouldn’t occur to him to do so. He goes to meet a friend occasionally for a drink but makes sure he’s home by 9-9.30 so he can help me. As he should.
I’m not saying this to boast or wind the OP up, I’m just pointing out that there must be some pretty low standards around here if so many people think it’s totally fine for a dad to just swan off for a week like this.

Exactly this @FartfulCodger I was beginning to think I was in some sort of parallel universe with some of the replies on here @ChunkyFTMMum .Your husband shouldn’t be asking you if he should cancel his bloody pathetic trip. He should have the empathy and human decency to realise you are struggling at the moment and do the decent thing and not go.

DrPrunesqualer · 05/05/2025 18:12

ThinWomansBrain · 05/05/2025 15:59

take some annual leave in the week to catch up with sleep?

This is what I would do.

Thegodfatherreturns · 05/05/2025 18:13

DH used to go away quite a lot for work when my DC were babies but I wouldn't have appreciated it if it was for a jolly. I think it depends on whether he will lose money out of not going or whether he can get it all refunded. As soon as you stop breastfeeding I would book yourself a holiday for a few days and catch up on sleep. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

insomniaclife · 05/05/2025 18:14

Ignore the “you’ll cope, it’s not hard, don’t upset the husband” posters. He’s an absolute arse to have put you in this position - the knows he should cancel, but wants you to tell him to so that he can blame you for his feelings rather than owning his own discomfort for being more selfish than his self-image probably believes.

he knows he’s being a shit. The only way he can not feel this, is by finding a way to make you out to be the shit.
absolutely typical of male thinking and you should tell him that.

Mumpud · 05/05/2025 18:14

I think if it's a hobby trip and not essential, he should stay and help you out. It's his baby too! Especially if you're exhausted and working full time. Your baby is still really young and you need your DH around. This happened to me quite a lot when mine were little and looking back, I wish I'd stuck up for myself a bit more. Six days is a long time. YANBU.

diddl · 05/05/2025 18:14

It probably wouldn't seem so bad if he didn't already regularly go away for work I him being away was a rare thing.

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2025 18:16

MissHollysDolly · 05/05/2025 16:54

You’ve chosen to breastfeed and go back to work. The fact that the baby cluster feeds is because you’ve chosen not to top up with formula - they need the nutrients overnight. There would be time to rediscover your own interests if you weren’t so rigid.

Show quote history

In case you missed it

  1. Baby has a severe dairy allergy and completely rejects hypoallergenic formula, we have tried, under the guidance of a paedetrician. Some parents add Nesquik to it to make it taste nicer. I am not willing to add Nesquik to my 9 month old's milk when I have plenty of milk for him.
SouthLondonMum22 · 05/05/2025 18:16

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/05/2025 17:10

Imagine if this was a reverse. 'I booked a trip away a year ago and now Dh wants me to cancel because baby is teething and he is too tired to do it alone.' I wonder what the responses would be. Knowing MN it would be LTB or emotional abuse! But joking aside I think most people would say DH was BU.

If this was a reverse, OP would be called a selfish mother for abandoning her baby for a week so she can do her hobby.

Liz1tummypain · 05/05/2025 18:18

I do remember the 9 months stage as hard work. Sorry I have no great ideas. Assume family can't come to stay and wouldn't be the solution anyway. You have two options. Insist he cancels or motor through it. Hope you can find a suitable way through as not ideal for your relationship if it becomes a grudge you will always hold.

onestepfurtheragain · 05/05/2025 18:21

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2025 17:57

Why don’t people read OPs anymore? It says it was bought while she was pregnant. Not before she knew.

Show quote history

Also in OP - it was booked a year ago. So we both missed details in the OP - so what?! They’ve clearly had plenty of time to sort it out.

EverestMilton · 05/05/2025 18:22

I'm not surprised you are exhausted. You are currently in the trenches with baby and work. It's the worst of both worlds trying to juggle it all at this stage. It does get easier, so hang in there.

If you don't want him to go on this trip. Then tell him that and get him to cancel it. Job done. You won't be in this stage forever, babies grow up and there will be other trips. The key is both of you trying to survive the here and now.

However I say this gently, you sound so, so angry....Random strangers on the internet have responded to you. Yes some of it isn't useful, no one knows the exact details. You can just ignore or say thanks but no thanks. It's no biggie.

Whatever happens you do need to try and deal with these emotions. If he does go on this trip, I for see you will be a seething bag of resentment by the time he's home and that is going to blow up big time possibly into something you never come back from. Feeling abandoned by your partner (even when reluctantly agreed to) is something difficult to overcome. That is the real reason I think he should cancel the trip.

onestepfurtheragain · 05/05/2025 18:23

insomniaclife · 05/05/2025 18:14

Ignore the “you’ll cope, it’s not hard, don’t upset the husband” posters. He’s an absolute arse to have put you in this position - the knows he should cancel, but wants you to tell him to so that he can blame you for his feelings rather than owning his own discomfort for being more selfish than his self-image probably believes.

he knows he’s being a shit. The only way he can not feel this, is by finding a way to make you out to be the shit.
absolutely typical of male thinking and you should tell him that.

Nobody is saying it’s not hard. But it is manageable. The OP has had a year to address this.

insomniaclife · 05/05/2025 18:30

onestepfurtheragain · 05/05/2025 18:23

Nobody is saying it’s not hard. But it is manageable. The OP has had a year to address this.

Show quote history

Oh jog on - the OPs husband has had a year to realise his expectations pre baby are unrealistic. Why is it she who should arrange or manage or organise anything to allow a husband - who regularly leaves her with their baby for days at a time for work purposes- to have a fucking jolly?? At her emotional and physical expense? Why does he not want to be with his wife and baby??

Cosycover · 05/05/2025 18:30

I would take that week off work and plan some nice things with the baby. Make sure baby is fed more during the day and hopefully they will sleep better those nights. Stock up on calpol and nice food for myself and just make the most of it.

Bestfadeplans · 05/05/2025 18:32

I've been a single mum since my daughter was 6 weeks old. But I still think he's a massive piss taker. Epesiclaly for making you be the one to decide if it's till ok for him to go. Surely he can see that it isn't? I've literally never heard of a mum "abandoning" her motherly duties for a week to swan off for a hobby.

I also would not be considering taking annual leave or giving up breastfeeding to facilitate his hobby. You've had a baby, its unfortunate that this trip has come at a particularly difficult parenting time, but imo tough shit, suck it up, plans change. Cancel the trip.

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