DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

Does he feel in the least bit guilty?

I would get in as many ready meals as necessary. I would do the minimum in the house and I would leave him to sort it ALL out when he gets back

Although if there's enough money for a trip there's enough money for a cleaner to help you while he's away

It's not a need. It is frivolous. Do you not understand the difference?

OP has already explained that her baby has an allergy and it isn't as simple as grabbing standard formula and giving it to her baby, it would have to be hypoallergenic and it tastes foul to the point some babies refuse to drink it unless it's sweetened with Nesquik.

Is going back to work so you can pay your bills a choice now?

Now I've read this one I'd be incandescent if he still chose to go away

I don't think there's anything he could do to make up for it

Total and utter selfishness

A stag do would be too but OP would be fine with that.

I think the issue here is that you asked in AIBU and most posters said you were which you obviously didn’t think you were being so snapped back at posters who were trying to give you solutions to a problem that, going by what you said, can’t be fixed.
If you want you husband not to go because he doesn’t want to go I think you are being unrealistic, as he obviously does want to go.
You have to either decide to ask him not to go, and him possibly being resentful or you have to get on with him going and then you being resentful.
It does seem a bit unfair to ask him to cancel at this late stage when it has been booked for so long, yes it might be a hard 6 days for you but not undoable and mark it down to experience for the future

Honestly I know that it’s a hard stage buts it’s one baby and they are 9 months not 9 weeks. Every stage brings it own challenges so think there would always be a reason not to let him go.
it sounds like a lot of the things you find hard are to do with feeding which only you can do anyway .
id let him off this time.

Imagine if this was a reverse. 'I booked a trip away a year ago and now Dh wants me to cancel because baby is teething and he is too tired to do it alone.' I wonder what the responses would be. Knowing MN it would be LTB or emotional abuse! But joking aside I think most people would say DH was BU.

I suspect she was making the distinction, not very clearly, about events where there is an obligation to someone else - letting down your brother or best friend is, in her mind, different than doing something just because you want to. I went through phases were I travelled a lot for work as did my DH (as does the OP's DH) and there were definitely times where we missed out on things we would have like to have done because we were prioritising family, including the other partner's needs/wants. And during those times, we did put things that kept us connected to friends and family in a higher category or priority than heading off to a cycling conference (or whatever).

I think if you really don't think you can cope ask him to cancel. If that makes you the bad guy I would maybe have a chat about your relationship as asking for support at this extremely hard time of life ( newborn to teenager brutal) shouldn't be something you are considered as the bad guy.

I would take Annual leave if you can that way you can use that time while the baby is at child care to rest to prep you for the hard evenings and nights.

Do anything you can to make it easier, ready meals , prep ahead anything that can be done to help in advance

Do you have anyone who can come and help for even 1/2 nights?

Oh dear!
sounds like you’re going by a parenting book 🤣
Baby sleep trained??
doesn’t sound very trained to me if he’s still waking at night!!

Let your husband go away, poor man has had it planned for a year

Respectfully OP they go through stages of being really hard work on & off for a LONG time. You can’t make travel dependent on that really. You will manage and then you can take your break when he is back.

@ChunkyFTMMum I'm pretty amazed that in these past few weeks, i.e. since teething started, your DH didn't stop and think about whether this trip/hobby conference was really necessary in the circumstances.

I get the need to BF - my DD couldn't take formula, and was a poorly baby (GORD etc) - so I BF her until she was 13 or 14 months old. She wouldn't take a bottle (had to be a sippy cup). And God, do I remember the hideous sleepless nights during teething!!

You sound like you're on your knees. No easy fix that I can really see - unless your DH decides of his own back not to go, or if you have that conversation with him....or if he does go but pays out for a maternity nurse or someone like that to come in and help you out overnight (but even then, I don't know how that would work/help you much). Is there a chance that he can sell the ticket to the event, and have the flights changed/refunded? Sod it, I'd be having that conversation with him today, if I were you. Don't feel guilty about it. You didn't plan this, and you couldn't have foreseen how things would be with your baby. My eldest was a piece of cake to look after from day one. My youngest was the opposite!

Yes, but to be fair, you're not always in a situation where you've just gone back to a demanding job, are still breastfeeding and in the middle of teething/sleep regression. There are times when they're hard work but you are steadier on your feet.

Completely understand why you feel he is being so unreasonable- it’s bloody hard work when you’re in the thick of an unsettled time, and when your baby is breast fed you’re never off duty.

He expects to take a week off work and parenting duties while leaving you with full-time-plus work, and 24/7 childcare and housekeeping.

It sounds as though he isn’t going to be willing to give up his hobby holiday, because if he was he’d have already offered. So the issue then becomes a question of how he resolves the immediate problem of covering his share of parenting and household work while he’s away. He could organise and pay for evening/night time nanny help. He could spend the weekend before cleaning the house, getting laundry up to date, and batch cooking. But I would be making it absolutely clear that before he goes, he needs to organise cover for his time away.

I would just suck it up. It’s not for a long time.

I get it. It’s a pain and I would hate it. But I wouldn’t ask my husband to stay home.

worst of the worst you could get a night nanny.

You would have coped. Single parents don’t cope because they’re more able. They cope by necessity.

OP will also cope, as she says she does when he’s on a work trip. The purpose of the trip
doesn’t change the difficulty level
at home. The only difference here is she resents this trip (rightly or wrongly).

You will cope, but you don't want to cope. He's your husband, have a conversation about it and tell him your concerns. Be honest and tell him you don't want him to go and why.
You have made your mind up, there's nothing else anyone can say to change that. Nobody is here who knows your situation. Only you and your husband.
Go and talk to him.

Take a few days off at the same time to help things along.

I get that you feel resentful and put upon just now. I really do, I’ve been there.

But my advice to you would be not to start stopping each other from doing things and having fun. It’s hard enough on your marriage, having young kids. Don’t just make it a cycle of misery. Just make sure you get to do the things that you want to as well.

You seem to be getting a hard time on here OP. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. It’s recommended not to cut night feeds that baby is waking for until at least 12 months or even 18months.
I personally wouldn’t want my DH to go away for that long unless he had to because frankly our little one is hard work and wakes a lot for a BF and we also have a dog who is a recent amputee so it’s super hard to do everything myself. So I think it is fair enough to feel how you do.

Haven’t read all the other replies but based on OP, yes he’s selfish. Does he have to stay the full six days? Can’t there be a compromise?

ask him how he’d feel if you buggered off for a week at this stage and left him with baby.

I went away for a 5 night work trip when my DS was 6 months old. My DH (bless him for doing it) stepped right up and handled absolutely everything without a single complaint. In fact, me being absent actually fixed a lot of our sleep issues and night wake ups as it kind of forced sleep training. We both find now that when the other is away it can be somewhat easier as it is just straight survival mode. You are really in the worst phase for sleep regressions and exhaustion, especially coupled with work. If you are really concerned and can afford it, find a night nurse for 1-2 of the nights, and they might be able to help with the sleep issues while getting rest for you.

Suggest

He goes away, as already planned

In return, you ask for something that you want from him. It does not have to be immediate.

Perhaps he can look after the baby & you can have a few hours to yourself on a regular basis ?

@ChunkyFTMMum

Lots of 'permanent solutions to a temporary problem' on your thread, no?

"but we were both naive and neither of us anticipated that 9 months would be such a hard time. Baby is honestly much harder work than he was at 4-7 months."

This is the crux of the matter and what you need to communicate to your DH. That sometimes 'shit happens' and when it does then plans need to be changed.

When I say 'communicate' it's best if you start off being 'definite' without being 'demanding' if that makes sense. Something along the lines of "DH, during this teething period I have realized that I just am not able to cope without your help. You may not realize it, but you are such a big part of getting through this difficult time". See if that prompts him to cancel. If not, then you'll need to follow up more definitely "So I really need you to consider cancelling your trip. I know you've been looking forward to it, but <insert child's name> must come first for both of us and I really do depend on you to manage this with me". If a direct appeal doesn't work, I'd take a good long hard look at his parenting priorities.