DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

YANBU in not wanting him to go. YABU for not just telling him this. Why can't you just say when you agreed to it last year you hadn't realised how tricky it would be at this stage. He has already said he will cancel but you don't want to be the bad guy in saying he should - there is going to be no way to avoid this so you just need to get the conversation out there and done. If you continue to say he can go then I think you will just be resentful.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. It’s really easy when you’re pregnant with your first baby to be a bit naive and assume that life will be ‘normal’ by 9 months and that trips etc will be fine (btw, don’t book anything between 1 and 2yrs because that’s also hard, but I found that things got much better after 2- or they would have if I hadn’t had a second baby 😂).

Like you I found 8-11 months really hard with both my children. Of course I could manage them on my own (in fact I currently am, because DH is on a work trip).
But it is really hard work and I did/do feel a bit resentful (and jealous) when he can just leave me with them and go and do something fun. I hate that I feel like this but I’m tired and stressed and whilst everything is just about ok when he’s at home to help it is a massive slog when he’s goes away.

I also struggle to say when I think he’s being unreasonable and making my life harder so he can do something that’s nice for him.
I don’t really have a solution (and I suspect you want empathy rather than solutions anyway). I would have an honest conversation with him and explain how difficult it is for you at the moment. He may not offer to cancel this trip but you can discuss if there are things you can do to make it easier and plan for how you manage trips away going forward. Ultimately, if you really don’t want him to go then you probably need to tell him that explicitly rather than just hoping he realizes (it’s not fair because it makes you the bad guy but he is unlikely to truly understand because he’s never in a position where he’s left for days at a time to juggle everything by himself).

How are men simple creatures? OP's DH understands how upset she is and how she is dreading him being away and having no support but he won't proactively cancel his trip. He will probably do it if she ask/begs him to stay. This isn't being simple, it's being selfish.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in wanting him to abort the trip. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable in not wanting to state your needs. If he's resentful, that's life, he'll get over it and he can go next year. Right now, you have a busy life and a young baby going through a demanding phase. You made the baby together, you deal with the situation together.

Ignore all the annual leave, 'banking time', you need a hobby/to quit breastfeeding/to sleep train/hire a nanny/get a friend to stay bullshit. Telling him your needs right now doesn't make you boring or hobbyless or friendless in the future, it just gets your needs met in this moment. And his needs (or wants) don't trump yours.

Just have a conversation with him.

OP I really feel for you.

DH should really have realised when booking, that when babies hear things may be different.

have you explicitly told him not to go (with reasoning) I get you shouldn’t have too. However I really think sometimes you need to just tell them how it is.

It’s funny isn’t it, women are slandered when a SAHM. Slandered when they work a career. slandered if they have “too much” held, slandered if they have none.

9M I found a hard age too! Teething may not happen as you expect but it also may happen exactly that way & DH needs to appreciate that.

Well they're only quoting what OP wrote in one of her posts: "he helps with bedtime and bathtime. He does all the settling before 2am if baby wakes then. He changes his nappy and outfit in the morning. He shares the cooking and cleaning." Clearly OP finds this support invaluable at a time when she's struggling with the demands of being a FT employee (50hrs pw!) and their baby.

It wouldn't hurt you to find a way to relax for a few hours and leave your baby with his dad, that's probably what the poster meant, or should have meant.

Oh man I would be cheesed off by this. It would be hard to say cancel, but the resentment is going to be tricky.

Could he stock the freezer for you before you go? Book an extra session with a cleaning service? He cleans the house from top to bottom before he leaves and does all the laundry? Maybe ALL of those things!

Or his dad

The mental and physical exhaustion of breastfeeding a baby is immense, I think even the most empathetic partner probably won’t understand what it’s like. I think it’s maybe a little unfair to hope your partner would understand your sacrifice and cancel his trip, unless you have first told him exactly how you feel about it.

I think you’re right to think him going away for work is different to him going away for a hobby, as it’s a choice and open to discussion.
I guess you’ll have to weigh it all up- is this a rare chance he won’t have again, or something he can easily go to in the future?
Is your sacrifice of having no support for a week worth the benefits he’ll receive taking a holiday for himself?

I imagine it’s hard to feel 100% happy for him to take a holiday for a hobby, when you have zero chance to take time for yourself at the moment and won’t be able to for a long time.
If he’s very supportive and takes an equal part in parenting and household responsibilities, then try not to compare the difference in him going away now and you going away in the future.

I would instead just try to focus on whether or not you can physically and mentally cope with him gone for this particular week, and if you think you can’t then it definitely wouldn’t be unfair to let your partner know and ask him not to go.

FML. Some of the commenters so clearly gave birth a generation or more ago and have completely forgotten what it was like. Or, they didn’t have a career to juggle with motherhood, or place any value on breastfeeding. There’s so much patronising ‘advice’ it’s cringeworthy.

@ChunkyFTMMum if you’re still here, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think the issue is actually that you want him to cancel the trip without you asking him to. And he is being spineless in forcing you to make the decision. You sound exhausted. You clearly appreciate that it’s important for both of you to have time to do hobbies etc, but this is a really bad time.

“Thank you for your offer to cancel the trip. I’d prefer that at this time. Let’s look into rescheduling some trips away when things are easier.”

This is how marriages begin to erode after offspring are born.

Haha

Actually read what I've written before turning it against me 😂

My comment was 'potentially driving a wedge' not 'his feelings more important than hers' as you said, nor with such certainty as yours 'the resentment he has created by going away'

Whereas my husband is genuinely hands on, does all the cooking and the food shop, parents his children when I’m doing other household stuff so it would not be at all easier. Good for you. For me, like I said, in my experience (which is not everyone's) I find it easier, 'I' meaning me, myself, personally. I have a ND DH, he finds it hard despite being incredibly hands on parent, doing all those things you say. Keeping tidy is not his strong point so yeah things do move about and don't stay where I'd expect them to. So for me, it's easier. But like you say - it's 2025, open you mind, stop reading things that aren't written. If iud like to discuss neurodiversity further - PM me, Knowledge is empowering, especially in 2025.

'She’s working full time with a nine month old baby! Why are you suggesting that isn’t enough?' Again, kindly stop putting words where they aren't. Did I say it's not enough? No, I kindly suggested getting on with the situation she finds herself in.

I have two kids, both extended EBF, worked with both (with kids incidentally - a busman's holiday if you will). I have a ND DH. Just because you seem require clarification, but lets remember this is about the OP. An OP who doesn't feel her DP should take a short break for a hobby. Why not, I'm wondering?

Now, which bar is it that's on the floor? And what is it that women are putting up with in 2025?

This is exactly what I meant. 🫶

And lose out on something to hold over his head for years to come?

That's garbage. It's how adults talk to each other.

Sometimes life goes exactly as you want it to and you can go off and do leisure things, and sometimes you're in the trenches as a family and you suck it up.

wow, that sounds pretty intense for you, OP!

totally understand why a lot of mums choose not to breastfeed…

YABU you should be able to cope.

I did a week with a 6 weeks old and a toddler.

He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it

Have you asked him to cancel things before and he's vocalised that he is unhappy about it? Or is that a guess of what would happen?

OP say exactly the above to your husband and feel no guilt about it

No, it's not unhelpful just because the majority of us are not agreeing with you. You asked AIBU, most of us said yes, you don't like it. That's unfortunate but how it is.

By communicating your needs? By being honest and thus avoiding resentment? By advocating for working as a team to get through the tough times?

You are wrong. This is what saves marriages.

Funny how if he communicates a need it's deemed frivolous and selfish....

You’ve chosen to breastfeed and go back to work. The fact that the baby cluster feeds is because you’ve chosen not to top up with formula - they need the nutrients overnight. There would be time to rediscover your own interests if you weren’t so rigid.