DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

I don’t know how I would feel if my husband said he was planning to go away for a week for his hobby because it wouldn’t occur to him to do so. He goes to meet a friend occasionally for a drink but makes sure he’s home by 9-9.30 so he can help me. As he should.
I’m not saying this to boast or wind the OP up, I’m just pointing out that there must be some pretty low standards around here if so many people think it’s totally fine for a dad to just swan off for a week like this.

For sure! ‘Do your wifely duty and have your mental breakdown with a smile on your face like a good 1950s woman!’

I should think by nine months it would be possible to cope. When you look back would you rather be happy that he had a good time and you managed, or happy that you were able to demand he give up the trip?

It's a week, not a six-month trek to the pole.

I'd not want to be with anyone so boring that they have no outside interests or friends and can be home before bedtime each night.

But you're not OP. We can only go by what she's written and how hard she says she'll find it. It isn't for any of us to tell her her feelings aren't valid, is it?

This. Hunger is the first thing that came to mind.

OP is ‘boring’ because she is struggling to cope and is concerned about being alone? How bizarre.

People really shouldn't comment on the OP's breastfeeding, her childs diet or sleep routine as that is not what she has asked about.

She set out that she works full time and has a baby and is tired - and believes this is not an ideal time for her husband to go away for a week with his hobby.

there are times as parents when it's about being supportive and not making life unncessarily harder in difficult times.

Your DH is being unfair in saying he’ll cancel if you ask - that’s pretty manipulative as I don’t think he’s in any doubt that you need him to. He just wants you to be the ‘bad guy’. I’d probably tell him that, remind him of all the factors you’ve outlined to us, and tell him the decision is his to make and you’ll accept it either way. You will learn a lot about how much he values you and your contributions to the family based on his decision

What strange values.

So you'd be OK with him going to be a spectator at someone else's milestone event, but not OK with him going somewhere that gives him pleasure, develops him as a person and is a happy milestone in his own life? Just bizarre. Maybe you don't have hobbies or interests? A conference is "an event."

I attend several conferences per year related to my avocations, from writing to film to flower growing. They aren't trivial and they certainly aren't less important than someone else's wedding or hen do.

No, the boring I was referring to was the husband referenced in another post, who always obediently trots home in time for bath and bedtime.

He said he'll cancel if I ask him to...
This would give me the rage.
He's a dick for leaving you alone for 6 days with a baby that keeps you up all night when you have a full time job. For a bloody hobby.

But that’s a different situation, because OP’s husband does have a choice.

Let's see

He made an error of judgement booking it when he knew you were pregnant and would have a baby by then - but done in ignorance and inexperienced thoughtlessness.

But then as time went on and he realised more about the reality of having a baby, he doubled down on his error of judgement by not cancelling/postponing his jolly early on.

And then the fact he KNEW how hard it was being for you, could see everyday what it was like ... Yet still decided not to SEE, empathise and understand the reality of it for you.

And then as a finale did a bit of emotional blackmail around 'I'll cancel if you ask me to (so you'll be the bad guy)' ... Not 'I'm cancelling, it isn't the right time.'

Sometimes I think they have a compassion bypass and a selfishness feed.

Re work

Are you absolutely sure you can't take leave - or is it a case of 'they can't possibly do without me, I'm far too indispensable for a week?'

If you're that high up the ladder, surely there's the financial option to engage some paid help? Get a cleaner, shopping delivered, a night nanny? Sounds like you'd benefit from it.

I agree, it's odd.

OP you might regret potentially driving a wedge of resentment between you and DP if you make him cancel.

Plus by 9m I'd expect you both get a little time back for your own hobbies too, however you choose to distribute the time between you.

Kindly, I think you need to pull up your big girl pants and get on. And rediscover your own interests beyond being baby mumma.

I actually find it easier to parent when DP is away 😂 because I don't expect any help and everything is exactly where I expect it to be and I know what is in the fridge!

You've got this.

I would be honest and tell him you’d rather he didn’t go. In my opinion it’s too long and self indulgent. And there will be plenty of posters telling you that their husband’s in the military so they don’t see them for ten months at a time, or their baby Dad was a literal or figurative sperm donor and so they go it alone all the time, but so what? Just because other people have it harder than you doesn’t mean you have to go along with this. Everyone’s different. Everyone’s babies and circumstances are different.

Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t be hostile, just be honest.

@ChunkyFTMMum He really should have discussed this with you prior to booking. It’s really not the best time to be going away for fun leaving someone you love to struggle! Especially as you don’t seem to be getting any breaks yourself, that’s difficult with a breastfeeding, night waking baby, whilst working full time. If he goes ahead with the trip, make things as easy as possible for yourself during that time. Also have a discussion with him about taking on extra chores for you both before and after the trip so you can get some little breaks. And listen not to the unsupportive comments, Mumsnet can be brutal in tearing other women down x

baby being breastfed is relevant. She can't leave the baby with his dad for an entire night every other day and rest. They can't share at this stage anyway.

but some posters are falling over themselves to be horrified at the lack of care from the dad.

talking about cleaning and cooking is clutching at straws, anything to blame the dad

Gosh, I totally disagree with all of this!

you might regret potentially driving a wedge of resentment between you and DP if you make him cancel
What about the resentment he has created by going away for six days when she doesn’t want him to? Why are his feelings more important than hers?

I actually find it easier to parent when DP is away 😂 because I don't expect any help
Whereas my husband is genuinely hands on, does all the cooking and the food shop, parents his children when I’m doing other household stuff so it would not be at all easier.

I think you need to pull up your big girl pants and get on.
What? She’s working full time with a nine month old baby! Why are you suggesting that isn’t enough?

Why do women put up with this? Why is the bar still on the floor in 2025?

And rediscover your own interests beyond being baby mumma.

OK well I think it's absolute horseshit to tell a mother of a breastfed baby under the age of 1, who is also working full time, to get a hobby.

Thank you for everyone who understands, I was looking on some advice on how to navigate the conversation but it's turned out to be a pretty unhelpful place to post. I'll hide this thread now.

Mate you are in the wrong place. Don’t be a tool.

The fact you’re working full time and completely exhausted is the main issue, not that he’s going away. If you have childcare for 45 hours a week and it’s you doing the night feeds, surely you won’t miss your DH too much.

I’d keep the baby in childcare on the six days he’s away and take annual leave and really try and rest and relax.

I know you’re in the trenches now but even in a few years if you bank the holidays and go away on your own and leave him with a two year old it really won’t be a doddle for him either. My kids at two still work for feeds, still got in and out of bed.

I have been where you are now and I had years of sleepless nights.
If you don't want him to go you'll need to tell him. Men are simple creatures and rarely work these things out for themselves!
If you don't want to tell him then stick with the current plan. You'll manage, I promise.

take some annual leave in the week to catch up with sleep?