DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

OP says "He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it."

This is the crux of the issue. HE should be more aware of the situation and just cancel and not make OP feel bad about it. This stage won't last forever.

I can totally understand your resentment and if you tell him to go while feeling this way, you'll end up taking it out on him when he's back. Having said that, if you tell him not to go, he'll resent you.
I think you should be very clear about how hard it is going to be but emphasise that you are happy for him to go as you like to see him happy. Paying it forward like this, if you're married to a fair person, should come back to you in spades at a future date. It has for me.

I think it’s unfair that you’ve let him look forward to this trip for a year and a week before you’re essentially demanding (but forcing him to make it his idea) that he stays! And if it’s just because your baby is in a tricky stage then it’ll pass and whether he’s gone on the trip or not will make very little difference!!

Op has said more than once she does not live in the UK with our excellent maternity lrave and return to work options. She cannot cut down Her hours. She cannot go part time. She is in a senior role. If she wants to work fewer hours she will need to leave and get a low paid job meaning they will lose their house.

Obviously he should have cancelled without even mentioning it to you, but as he won’t can you at least take a day or two off work during the time he is away?

life is gonna be horrible for you both if you can’t ever go away alone and live your life and enjoy your hobbies

in a few months baby be 1 and then things will just start to get easier and easier and you can go away for a weekend ! Organise something

What difference does it make why he’s away? The effect is the same regardless of the reason. I don’t know why you haven’t booked yourself a week’s leave.

This thread is insane, people suggesting that OP should GIVE UP HER CAREER instead of just maybe that her husband should get some emotional intelligence and make a small sacrifice to help her get through what’s obviously a pretty stressful time.

I think you just need to be honest with him, tell him you’re really struggling and the thought of him being away for a week right now fills you with utter dread. Would he consider hired help in the evenings for the week? I also see how that’s shit for you too though, having someone in your space in the evenings isn’t exactly restful either.

It does seem that he just needs to suck it up, your baby is under one year! He can go next year.

The thing is it was an unnecessary/selfish(?) choice when it was booked.

You obviously didn't know then quite how things would be & that you might be in the thick of teething.

Chances were though that you would still be bfeeding & getting broken nights to some degree.

If you know you can't do it then you have to tell him.

Don't let the resentment build up.

I was a sahm & my husband was generally out of the house for 12 hrs.

It wasn't just that he helped in the evening, but that he was there.

Hey.
I think ideally you would have liked him to acknowledge it's tough atm and prospone/cancel the trip himself! Problem is he's putting the burden of that decision on you!
You're now in a no win situation. You ask him to cancel, but ultimately feel like the bad person, and still don't feel supported as it wasn't his decision. Or he goes and you suck it up, which also doesn't really work.
I think it would have meant a lot to you if he had just cancelled (as it would do me).
I think if it was me, I would ask him to cancel. Saying it's OK for him to go, when you don't really mean it will just bread resentment.

Possibly the most patronising comment on this thread yet...🤦🏼‍♀️

The more info you give the more I agree with you actually. You're not saying he 'can't have fun' just not an almost week-long trip abroad that's just for fun. OR he should pay for a night nanny or something to cover for his 'shift'. He needs to provide input into the practicalities. And if that makes his trip twice as expensive well that's the cost of having kids these days to be honest :/ especially with a shorter mat leave. Alot of people don't get that.

I totally get it. My husband has been away on 4 work trips for 3+ nights since our 7mo old was born, and we have a 5 and 3 year old too. I know what you mean saying it's not that you can't cope, it's that you want him to notice how hard it is and decide to cancel the trip himself. I have the same issue in that there are so many trips my husband could go on and he asks me for 'permission' for all of them, but I'm the bad guy if I say no. I would definitely not be happy with 'fun' trips on top (especially considering his work trips involve skiing with his work mates, being wined and dined at fancy parties, golfing etc).

I've not found the solution other than I now really leave it up to him to decide what is essential and what is not. And I don't sugar coat how hard it is when he's away - which I used to do. It seems that if I say I'd rather he didn't go on one, he'll push back, whereas if I say it's up to him with no pressure he usually makes the more considerate decision. We had a good chat though about him not 'asking' me for permission when he's already made up his mind to go, as that's incredibly annoying.

Also I do like having some child free cash in the bank for when the baby is bigger... And it means they can never really begrudge you having a day or evening out when you can manage it, or all the lie ins on the weekend.

Anyway I think you started this thread to get validation that you're not unreasonable to be upset about him leaving you on a hobby trip and I totally agree with you and see where you're coming from.

I agree with this. It’s clear from your posts that your resentment is going to far outweigh any guilt you may feel as well. I guess for me it would also rest on whether this is once in a lifetime hobby conference or whether it’s an annual thing. If you’re essentially just asking him to defer the conference and go next year then it’s a no brainer.

What I would do to approach it best is to let him be the hero. Don’t approach it with resentment or saying he is being unreasonable not just cancelling straight away.

Just be very honest with how being alone will be really hard for you, how you’re at the absolute end of your tether, tear up, say you can’t manage - let him step forward and hopefully see this and say “I’m going to cancel” and then you say “thank you so much honey, you’re amazing, the best dad” etc.

That way it’s a positive thing rather than actually just a fight.

YANBU. I had a really difficult time with DD1 who cried for hours every night at this age, also teething. It was horrendous and I was shattered. There was nothing we did that made it any better. I would not have appreciated my DH leaving me on a non essential trip. DD2 in comparison was super easy at that age and I would not have minded at all if DH had gone away.

In these circumstances, he should stay home and support you and look after his baby. He is not a little child you have to protect from being disappointed, he has responsibilities. Why is the bar so low for men?

Presumably you knew about this trip for while and now you’re panicking you won’t cope, which is understandable

I think you’ll have to grin and bear it, but if you can’t - tell him now and don’t drag it out longer. There will be plenty of time down the line for him to enjoy his hobbies. Mark it as a lesson learnt for you both. Life doesn’t just carry on as normal once you have children. Be more realistic going forwards.

I haven't read it all but you sound very, very tired and I'm really sorry it has been so hard. It's just a week though and you already both agreed to this a long time ago. If he hasn't come to the conclusion himself to cancel, there's no kind way to make him think it's a good idea. As you said he does the cooking and cleaning (no need to do most of that while he's away - batch cook, get in some easy food or do a few takeaways) and settles the baby for periods of time so you can get a break. As others said, you won't have those breaks so might be worth taking a couple afternoons off work so you can have some peace before picking up your wee one.

Can you throw some money at this? Get a cleaner as a one-off? Or a mother's helper? If he really wants to go and you have already booked it all it seems a shame to cancel.

And yes - I regularly parent my 2 children on my own as my husband works away sometimes and has gone on a few optional trips too. He was just at his parents house for a week (I also live overseas from all our family) and I was home with the kids. It is of course easier when you can get a full night's sleep but there are other aspects that make it complicated at each stage (my kids are 12 and 8 now and it's mostly around the endless driving them in circles every single evening and the fact that one was off sick from school and then the other had a homework project and then one needed a doctor's appointment etc etc - it is still quite a juggle!)

Also think it's worth really looking at your schedule to see if it's worth starting to make some changes now that your baby is getting bigger - if your husband is away for work regularly, this will happen again soon.

I am sorry op, it’s rough when you are so sleep deprived (I have a medically complex child who is up 6-8 times a night) but I do think it’s not fair to ask him to cancel, it’s was booked with your agreement many months ago. You do say normally little one sleep ok, one wake up but the teething is just bad timing! Like you say he can’t bf anyway so get some ready meals for the week, little one doesn’t need bathing daily and just have a week off chores.

But there isn’t just this as an answer

you should take some time off that week so that you are not working 50 hours a week while you’re on your own.

a couple of days off would make a huge difference as you’d have the time to rest with your baby.

When your baby is tired as early as you suggest, that needs to be addressed as it will be key to helping the whole sleep management process.

it sounds a lot like your job is too many hours per week for your situation. It’s not working for you or for your DS.

i know this stage is hard, it’s a slog the first year, but it goes so fast and you will get through this. It will be ok.

I don’t think you should tell him to cancel. I think you can manage this and a stag do or birthday is just as frivolous a reason to travel as his hobby.

dont allow yourself to be resentful, its ultimately not worth it.

To add either it’s manageable or it’s not, if it’s manageable for a funeral it’s manageable for this, the reason he’s away doesn’t have an impact on the being alone

Only on MN are 2 parents required to do bathtime and change a couple of nappies

baby only has a little milk in the day and is absolutely glued to me when I get home. He breastfeed every hour before bedtime and 3 times between 6am and 8.30am before I go to work.

I understand the OP being shattered, but there's not much dad can do.

And AGAIN, this obsession with cooking and cleaning when there's only one adult in the house for a few days is weird (and my house is tidy!)

I think some posters don’t understand having a really difficult baby. Our first was really hard work, still feeding in the night, massive screaming tantrums at 9 months.

I wouldn’t have coped on my own for 6 days at 9 months. Yes, single mothers do it and all the exceptionally competent mothers on here apparently do it but I wouldnt have coped.

My husband did have a few trips always for a night when mine were young (as did I). However, there is no need to take a 6 day trip unless for work etc. It’s pointless telling the OP to take a week long holiday herself, she is breastfeeding and probably doesn’t even want this.

So in my opinion, he should cancel it. Sending strength OP!

Hi @ChunkyFTMMum

You can do this and you’ll feel way better (if not a bit exhausted) afterwards.

-Can you contact the daycare you currently use and ask if you can pay one of the staff help with bath time /evenings at your house for those 5/6 nights - like a Nanny?

-Or if you have a house cleaner, can you ask them to do a few extra/different tasks to make things a bit easier. Put a wash on instead of dusting etc.

-Can you buy some nice ready meals for that week for yourself so you don’t have to worry about cooking or food prep?

-Maybe put out baby outfits for each day before your DH leaves and work outfits for you - much less to think about each morning.

Midweek, could you ask a friend over so you can a meal together and watch a movie etc? Just for some company?

-But above all, I would (if you have it) take as much leave as you can during those 6 days. If that’s not possible, can you ask if you could leave early on a couple of days that week and then make up those hours at a later date?

My military DH went away on multiple op tours when our two were little and one tour was for 6 months when I had PND after DD1. It was awful to begin with and I had no idea if he was coming back, but it was just me left there at home with DD so I had no choice but to crack on.
And you’ll do the same.

Once they’re gone, you become stronger and you do loads of stuff you don’t usually 😊

Could you book a single day off midweek to break up the time you have to go it alone?

Sleep training has been wildly disproven to be suitable for babies. They still have the same level of cortisol (stress hormone) but are trained not to cry because no one responds.

I baby who is waking in pain when the calpol is starting to wear off but its not time for the next dose is going to be especially non responsive to sleep training.

At 9 months, most babies with no additional needs will be finding their own sleep rhythm and learning to self soothe. There are times when babies have growth spurts and developmental leaps when they understandably want extra comfort.