DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

When you say you are ‘exclusively breastfeeding’ do you mean your baby gets no other nutrition? That doesn’t seem right at 9 months old - lots of babies are introduced to proper food (puréed) by then. He is possibly hungry, hence being so unsettled in the evenings. In any event, after 9 months, 2 bouts of mastitis and working 50 hours a week, in your position I would cut right back on, or discontinue breastfeeding altogether. I would do this regardless of what happens with the trip.

She's answered this upthread. Too short notice as senior

I think it is normal while teething IMO.

I think your DH is being incredibly selfish OP. I would tell him he should cancel, and you should also tell him you are upset he has to be "told".

I don't think men quite get how exhausting breastfeeding a teething clingy baby is. Tell him.

It’s one week to go. Has this not come up before? Has he offered any suggestions of a compromise or how he could help to make it easier?
Batch cooking?
Night nanny?

Quitting your job is madness.

I think it's very difficult to turn round and say don't go a week before. Obviously when hebooked it things were different. But why has it taken until a week before for anyone to notice that maybe him going is a bad idea?

Otoh you're in the position now where the trip is a week away.

OP, this isn't going to help for next week, but have you tried pumping and having your DH give your baby a bottle of expressed milk?

I had problems with my milk supply and pumped alot. DH being able to give our children bottles was a huge help. Just a thought.

OP I think you need to just tell him to cancel and that you are appalled he thought it was appropriate, that he clearly isn’t paying attention to how much you are doing for the family and the impact of the baby’s needs on you. And you’re disappointed in him.

Don’t own any being the bad guy thoughts. You are giving up far more than him and he can suck it up for a year or so and go another time when it won’t cost you so much.

The thing is, that advice was completely unsolicited. That’s not what the OP is asking. If someone made that suggestion to me (that I was going to leave a teething baby, without pain relief) I’d feel it was patronising.

As a bf mum who’s baby would choose me over food I completely get how rough and tough the evenings and mornings can be. Even now, she would be glued to me if she could at 20 months but some of the advice on here is spot on.

Up his food during the day - I found the more full she is especially in the evenings, the less she needs my top up in the night and wakes. On her days of 8-6 nursery, I do her a wheatabix for tea. Sometimes it’s as soon as we get in but other times she’ll have milk first and I do wheatbix in the bath (don’t come for me - it is what works for us!). Then it’s milk, story and bed.

Sleep training - I get you said baby is teething but most the wake ups will now be back to habit. At this age it’s a never ending cycle with teething so you need to just keep to what you done for sleep training before or look at another method. We used feber and it really changed my life and the baby who would be in bed from 11pm with me feeding constantly slept through or would wake maybe once when teething/unwell but quickly resettle without a battle.

As for his trip, there’s some resentment it seems about him going on this as you see it as an unnecessary event away from you and baby leaving you to solo parent which I know is hard. Book a spa day somewhere local for when he’s back and leave him to have baby for the day or find a class in the evenings you want to attend so at 6pm once a week bedtime is on him.

because being a parent doesn't mean being a martyr, and TWO adults (working full time anyway) do not need to be stuck home at all time with a 9 months old.

Each parent is perfectly able to take care of ONE baby alone.

Slightly different when you chose to exclusively BF, but dads don't BF! It's a choice (and a choice I personally agree with, I think if you can it's a lot better for the child, but it comes with consequences)

I don't understand your criteria. Why is a stag do, birthday or "actual event" (whatever that is?) fine but not a hobby conference?

I'm not being facetious, I genuinely think you need to dig in to why you think some events would be fine given the circumstances are the same ie a teething 9 month old and a partner who works 50 hrs a week.

You are obviously struggling on your own so I was going to agree with you that he should cancel, or alternatively arrange some help in his place such as a relative or paid help.

However since you've said you would be fine if it was for work etc I don't think the problem is his physical presence, is it?

It' not fair that he goes off for a week to enjoy himself and you have an additionally hard week to make that happen. It needs to happen through a joint agreement where there is no resentment. At the moment you naturally feel resentful because he's getting the time off at your expense, and not really acknowledging that. When my two were little, DH was away all week every week for work, but because that was a financial necessity, I was fine with it even when it was hard. You need some recognition from him that you will be doing extra so he can have this week away, and a concrete arrangement for how he can step up for you so you can have some time to do something you like. If you both decide that the trip is going to go ahead, can you get some help in (mum/ sister/ friend) to help lighten the load?

Ah okay I missed that! I thought she’d known about the trip for ages tho. Sounds like it wouldn’t usually be an issue but baby is being particularly tricky. It’ll pass so I don’t think it’s a reason to plan a big (probably expensive?) trip that I’m assuming OH won’t do again for a long time!

I’d let him go. What can he actually do if the baby is attached to your boob all evening? I get it. You’re tired and it seems unfair (to you) that he gets to have fun while you can’t. But it’ll all even out further down the line. There seems little point both of you being at home to look after a breastfed 9- month old. Just accept it’s going to be tough. It may not be, the baby can’t read the teething manual so doesn’t know he’s meant to have his 6th tooth while his dad is away. Just leave the cleaning. Get the fridge stocked so your meals are sorted and tell your DH to have a good time. You’ll get it back in spades later. The alternative will be ‘remember the time you wouldn’t let me go away…’ for the next 25 years.

OP was very clear in this post: "he helps with bedtime and bathtime. He does all the settling before 2am if baby wakes then. He changes his nappy and outfit in the morning. He shares the cooking and cleaning." You must have missed it.

OP you sound exhausted. I really feel for you. I think you’re getting a hard time from some posters on here!

Just tell him your dilemma. You need him to stay, but you feel bad asking him to cancel his trip. He is allowed fun, that’s true, but you are also allowed to ask for help. If anything, asking for help is more important as it’s about preventing the person asking from having a burnout.

There are ways, I am sure, both DH and you can have fun which won’t be so disruptive and difficult for the other partner.

You’re a team, so remind him and yourself of this and approach the problem as a team. If you lose money on cancelling the trip, well we all have times where we make choices which sounded great at the time and actually don’t work out, you just have to chalk it up to experience.

Remember: Teamwork!

Baby gets 3 big meals a day, loves steak and chicken, all substantial meals homemade by us, which he finishes every day as we see the photos/videos, and everyone comments what a great eater he is.

I saw the paedetrician last week and she said it was absolutely normal to NOT drop milk feeds at this stage while he is eating tons of solid food. He's doing a lot of growing and needs the calories and is unlikely to start dropping his milk intake for another 1 or 2 months.

YANBU. Really sorry you’re in the thick of it. Teething and sounds like a bit of reverse cycling with the bf. Also the pressure from work thinking you can’t take leave. It’s admirable that you’ve carried on bf with how hard the nights are and your job.

also just bf that much is so draining.
i think when you’re in the thick of it the partner should help in solidarity and not go on long trips away. But how much can he help at night?

id probably let him go to this one but not another for the next 6 months. Book a day or 2 off- but keep baby in nursery and just sleep/do something nice for myself. Then buy in some really fancy ready meals to take mental load off. And look at out sourcing things generally to make life a bit easier at the moment eg cleaner, hello fresh to stop all meal planning.

when he’s back id take the next couple of weekends to leave the house solo (with a hand pump) and go to a spa for the day to read/nap. Just organise some things where no one needs you.

youve got to be able to take leave at work or it will become burn out. You’re on such a treadmill with endless nights as childcare and then high pressure at work. Your child needs you, your job would replace you. You’re irreplaceable to your child. I know you know this but just saying to to take the pressure of yourself a bit. Take some time just for you. Even to do regular physio to help your back.

good luck with it all. You’re smashing it.

It would piss me off that he doesn't see how shit this will be for me ..

That aside, I'm guessing you've probably tried everything as he has already been away for work you know the score.

If you have a nanny, I'd check to see if you can extend their hours for that week.
I'd buy in food for the whole week- and have it meal planned so you dont have to think. Stock up on Calpol etc for teething as going out to grab at night is a pain
Have a plan for the weekend- whatever you find most relaxing/ easiest.. be flexible on this
Send out laundry/ drop at service wash and pay for someone to deliver.
Get cleaner to come in twice- and get to tidy and clean

Get him to help with some meal prep before he goes. There’s not going to be much housework in 6 days when you’re working full time.

You sound full of resentment which I understand to a point, but it’s 6 days with one (potentially) teething baby.

Only read OP's posts.

Is your DH aware that the only way to ease your complete exhaustion is not to go away? If you are loving couple I can't imagine how he will enjoy this trip one bit if he knows his wife is at home working 50 hrs a week, managing the house and a non-sleeping BF baby.

Is he resentful of the impact this baby has had on your life?

I do remember this stage very well. Back at work full time, BF baby making up for contact/Mum time during the night (all night it seemed). This was DS1.

DS2 I co-slept from day 1 (I know you are unable to do this), went back to work when he was older and was able to be part time for a few months. It made a HUGE difference.

None of my business really but if I was you OP I would stop engaging with this thread and just tell your husband you want him to cancel his trip, Nobody here can possibly understand your situation so their opinions do not really matter, you just need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Good luck, I hope you get things sorted x

My husband went skiing every year when my children were babies/ toddlers. It really was ok but third baby had severe reflux so my bestie came and stayed to help me with the evenings and school run for the two older siblings.
I am confused, because you said upthread that husband had offered to cancel and you declined his offer.

Slightly off topic for OPs question, but the OPs work situation is coming up a lot here but isn't really the issue. If she was SAHP with a clingy baby it would be the same, arguably worse with 24/7 baby duty. At least at work she can have a coffee or go to the toilet in peace.

The 9 month old is going through a bad patch. What if she had a toddler who doesn't sleep well or was ill, it's just as bad. What if they had two children, how about a baby and a toddler? Or a bed wetting preschooler and a 7 yr old who gets nightmares? Or twins who have a vomiting bug. There are a million scenarios where parenting is very tough and exhausting. Should DH stay home in every single on of these scenarios? Those saying he should cancel imply yes. So by corollary if OP or any mother, working or SAH, plan a trip away with friends they should be expected to cancel at fairly short notice at any time the routine is disrupted. I'm sorry but no i don't agree. Parenting is tough and will remain tough for years, if personal trips aren't allowed this will have a negative impact on both parents well being and the relationship.

@Notknots I would be fine with a wedding or a stag do or a birthday and I am obviously fine with work. Because they are events, they are important, life goes on. Of course.

I feel resentful of an individual completely selfish trip at a time when our baby is pretty hard work.