DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

No woman is superwoman, they have help. No one can manage a full time high level career without help, paid help, partner or family.

Nothing wrong with having nannies, but there's no "can do it all".

Nobody is saying you should reduce your hours, quit your job, reduce breastfeeding so your husband can have a holiday. They are saying it because these are the reasons you have stated that you can’t have the same.

It doesn’t necessarily follow that your baby will get another tooth in this time period, it’s not been mine or my friends’ experience. Babies rarely go by the book!

Nobody is saying it will be a walk in the park, but it’s for such a short amount of time, it seems a bit unfair to make him cancel.

Don’t be so dramatic. It’s going to be hard work for a few days. It’s hardly job quitting territory.

No one here can do what you want, which is get your dh to realise that his trip is a bad idea, and choose to cancel it without you asking him to.

You either have you ask him yourself, or work out ways of making that week easier. That could mean getting him to cook extra when he's making dinner in the lead up and freezing portions so you have dinners sorted. Or getting deliveroo most nights when he's away. Don't worry about cleaning, or get a cleaner. Outsource the laundry or leave it for him to do upon his return. Or taking the week off yourself and chill out at home or go visit your mum or a friend

then ask him to cancel because you expect him to do all the night work?

OP sounds like she manages just fine with her DH's support which is exactly how it should be since both are responsible for the baby.

Maybe DH should sacrifice his career?

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I can't reduce my hours. I'm not in some sort of shift work that can be done part time. I could quit and sell the house as we wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage without my income. But that won't solve next week's problem.

She’s responding to the people who are telling her to reduce her hours in response to this situation. Which is an entirely unreasonable thing to say to her and her reaction isn’t surprising.

Thank you! Yes, it does work usually. It's just a hard time RIGHT NOW.

Why can’t you just suck it up for a week?

I think you're unreasonable to ask him to cancel so late in the day.

Could a friend come to help in the evenings? It can drive you loopy doing it all by yourself.

It sounds like you're really nervous about this trip, and already assuming it's going to be terrible. I'm impressed that your baby's teeth are erupting so strictly according to schedule! Maybe he won't be teething next week? Maybe you'll be able to enjoy cosy evenings cuddling together on the sofa. Put him to bed and enjoy some time just for yourself - have a bath, watch whatever you want on TV...

I hope this is a turning point for you to make some long-term changes to support you both. Maybe it's employing evening help, maybe reducing work hours, maybe reducing breastfeeding (I know advice is until age 2, but it really needs to work for the two of you) or pumping more so husband can give baby bottles in the night. I had a few nights away for work when breastfeeding, pumped enough bottles in advance, and continued pumping to keep milk up. Perhaps you could arrange some nights off for yourself?

Is it just me or are people completely over-reacting?

What cleaning and cooking does anyone really need to do when they are working full-time and not at home anyway?

Yes, a few loads of laundry, but what is all that housework suddenly piling up with only one baby? What mess is a 9 months old actually making?

I think you need to get a breast feeding supportive night nanny who can help you sleep train asap. The thought of a 50 hr week on that level of broken sleep is insane.

My SIL had lots of people tell her it was the norm to be up constantly for the first 2 years. This wasn't actually helpful. The other people for whom it wasn't the norm kept quiet for lots of reasons ... and as a result she had a miserable two years of exhaustion. I didn't know her when her ones were little sadly...

Why is on her to reduce hours and meal prep?

maybe her husband should stop with the work trips and do some meal prepping and planning.

I think your mind is made up OP and I can’t say I blame you, it’s just not the right time by the sounds of it

regarding the conversation “I’ve had a think and I just don’t think it’s the best time, we have the rest of our lives for hobbies and trips but if I’m honest I will feel resentful if you’re having a nice time whilst I struggle through a week”

good to see that misogyny is alive and well in this thread

I’d be really pissed off too OP. He presumably is aware of what he’s asking of you, but is not actually checking that this is ok with you.

You sound exhausted and the last thing you need right now is to watch your husband swan off and have some nice easy childfree time facilitated by you, when you are already struggling.

I do think the answer is to have a conversation with him where you tell him what you’ve told us, then ask him to decide whether he thinks it’s really ok to go away.

He probably will sulk for England if you ask him to cancel it and step up and coparent at this or any stage.

Everyone benefits from time to themselves to recharge the batteries.

Including you.

Absolutely, bank this for later. Withdraw it and spend it as soon as possible, while your point is still fresh.

For now, is there anyone who can step in to help you? Grandparents, siblings, friends?

And drop the rope on as much domestic stuff as possible. Let the laundry and cleaning stack up a bit. Order in some takeaways. So it's untidy and a bit messy when he comes home? He can pick up and do his share of the domestic stuff when he gets back.

If he dares complain ... Easy on the resentment and the martyrdom.
Remind him where the washing machine, mop, shower cleaner etc are kept.

AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

By not being rude to every single person who has tried to offer you advice. You have no problems being rude and assertive to people online, so stop being a keyboard warrior and assert yourself in real life.

If you don't think you can manage, then be upfront about it and tell DH he'll have to cancel. That's not unreasonable.
In the meantime, you sound exhausted, and it's time to think about how you can make your life easier.
A 9 month old baby does not need to be exclusively breastfed. You don't need to pump during the day, unless it's just to remove excess. I would recommend feeding the baby food during the day, and then you can carry on breastfeeding in the evening if you want to continue. I would have thought the baby will indeed be hungry all evening and night if he is not taking much milk in the day AND is not eating food. My experience ( 3 breastfed babies) was that by 6-7 months they needed solids if they were going to sleep properly. The fact that your baby was sleeping OK till 5 weeks ago might not just be down to teething, but due to an older, bigger baby being hungrier, and therefore waking.
Think about how you can make co-sleeping work, it might be better with DH not in the bed. Think about whether you can cut down on your working hours - 50 hours a week with a breastfed baby seems untenable to me.
And then you and DH will need to consider together whether he needs to be doing a job where he travels so much, and whether you can afford to buy in help if you both want to continue the same working patterns.

Just keep in mind OP that far too many people still believe that parenting = women's responsibility which is a reason why you are getting such a hard time.

If you were the one talking about going away to do a hobby for a week and leaving a 9 month old with DH, it would be a different story. You'd be a monster for even considering leaving your baby's side and it would be questioned if DH would cope alone with his own baby.

OP is not terribly clear on how helpful the dad can be and what difference having him away for a few days?

baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
but if you don't pass him to dad, what difference if he's not home?

baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm
If YOU need to be around, then again, what difference does it make?

Don't get me wrong, I would leave dad take care of his baby just as much as I do and not just being glued to me, but if you don't, what exactly do you expect about cancelling his plans?

Can you take some leave?

I genuinely can’t believe all these posters saying you should suck it up and let him go! What the fuck?

He’s a parent and has responsibilities and his baby and wife are in the trenches! Why should he be gallivanting off to a fucking hobby conference on another continent ffs?!

Fuck that OP - him saying you have to decide for him is a massive cop out, so he can mope about and throw it in your face.

You wouldn’t do this to him, so why is it okay for him to do it.

Obviously he should put HIS big pants on and decide for himself (like an adult) not to go.

So if you can manage for work trips you can manage this one? The issue is that you resent that he is going away for pleasure? You are conflating two issues” your DCs sleep problems and the fact DH is going on a hobby trip.

So I think, then, that he should arrange for you to have a weekend off or a couple of spa days to rest up in exchange for his ‘fun’ trip and, separately, you need to speak to a HV to develop strategies to manage sleep issues (eg look at weaning, how much they are taking in in food/drink in the evening to ensure fully sated, etc).

At 9m baby should be sleeping through 11pm-6am-ish but it sounds a little as though you’ve trained each other for the interrupted sleeping. If your baby has a night nappy and is fed, you should not need to do anything other than check nappy for poop and re-tuck into bedding (but do not pick up or offer cuddles/food etc ie reward baby for crying), so that they learn that they won’t get ‘positive’ attention. They need to learn to self-sooth and won’t if you respond to every whimper. I don’t hold with cry down techniques - we did that 20 years ago for eldest and it was traumatic for all of us - but there are others that a HV could talk you through.

if OP cannot and won't reduce her work hours, what makes you think the husband can reduce his and change job to stop his work trips?