Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

I am not shaming anyone, I am just telling what it would look like if I was one of the colleagues, witnessing OP humiliating herself by saying something to the AP. You probably like dipping her head in the toilet, better, that would show class, wouldn't it?

I don’t know how you can tell from the thread and the little we know about op and her husband. We’re simply not privy to that information.

And you know what they say about assuming.

He's humiliating himself.

Well OP. I think for me, I agree you say nothing.

you made your choice to stay. We don’t know the full details of that.

for openness, I could not have done that, not a chance. But we are all different.

i agree with you that I don’t understand why women do this, and I get that you are desperately trying to equalise blame to him.

ultimately, you have chosen to continue your marriage. So go for it. Hold your head high, be you, and it never happened.

There’s not enough money in the world to make me stay with someone who’d willingly
step out on our marriage & family to get his dick wet.

And from someone who did grow up with parents who probably thought exactly what you do, stay together, don’t give the kids a broken home, what happens is that your kids grow up with a very warped sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. One day one of those kids comes home upset that their boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated on them and neither parent can do the “you deserve better, leave them and walk away” because one of them is a cheat and one of them forgave a cheat, so both would be complete hypocrites to preach otherwise. And that’s before you consider what it does to the person who chose to stay, the anxiety, the worry, the panic every time they’re 15 minutes later home than planned, wondering if they’re really at the gym or somewhere else, whether that “business trip” is really business, whether that beep on the phone is genuinely Dominos sending an offer through or another woman, it completely destroys you as a person and turns you into someone you don’t even recognise. And you do all that, you go through it all, and then a few years later you start to feel better, a bit more normal, you don’t worry so much about the slightly late meetings or the random gym session and just as you feel like you’ve got your feet back on the ground you find out it’s happening again. This time you really do feel the fool because you gave it the green light the first time by staying, so why wouldn’t it happen again?

Nobody is saying it’s easy to leave, but God it is far far harder to stay.

Firstly you don’t know whether she cares anymore and you are assuming you’re still in a battle.

And what about his work colleagues/friends/managers - these are the people who are judging you and him.

I absolutely would refuse to attend his work event and embarrass myself in front of these people, regardless of her.

He’s really not though. In fact he gets to look the big I am, walking in wife in arm so everybody can see he’s gotten away with it.

@LindaDarrah Eh? That makes no sense. And, the only people lacking in class are the ow and the husband. Shagging someone else whilst married, or knowingly shagging a married person is not, by anyone’s standards, “classy”.

@LindaDarrah ‘You probably like dipping her head in the toilet, better, that would show class, wouldn't it?’

What are you wittering on about? I have been very clear that I would ignore the OW and walk away and tbf probably wouldn’t go.

But her CHOICE for staying has become the main focus of this thread, shaming her and hurting her seems to be something many are engaging in. Am I not allowed to call that out? Or is shaming a hurt woman who is still in the throes of trauma ok?

This.

He will 100% have made you out as this horrible harpy that he couldn't leave the marital home if he ever wanted to see the kids again. She will have thought you were separated or in a completely loveless/abusive marriage and he stayed in the house for the kids.

Honestly ignore, as hard as it will be try to hold yourself and your head held high and be as utterly charming, kind, gracious and above it all as possible. The fact you are there will be embarrassment for her enough. Please do not say anything as it will just play into this image she may have of you as being a horrible psycho.

As others have said its your husband who did this to you not her. Honestly you have no idea what tale of woe was weaved, he will not have painted himself as some randy twat nonchalantly cheating on his wife.

Someone further up suggested dipping AP's head in the toilet

I just don't understand how a man can knowingly get involved with a woman when he has a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

Fixed it for you. He owed you loyalty, not her. If you've got past this to the point that you're going to a work do with him, then you need to be past the point of caring about her. Or you need to not go, and you need to break up.

What happens if you think you see chemistry with her that night? What do you do if you think people are watching you and gossiping? What do you do if you think she looks effortlessly hotter than you? Are you going to drink btw?

OP, of course you are angry at the OW- most people who have been through this feel outrage and fury at the OW as well as the husband, and with good reason. I would not have wanted to be in a room with my husband's OW, and would not have gone to a work event if she was going to be there. I think I would have been angry at him for going to anything inessential. If I had to be in a gathering with her present, I think I would have insisted on meeting her privately beforehand, but that is me- you may have very different feelings.

Obviously, OP can overlook her husband lacking class

Don't drink, and practice smiling and looking like you haven't a care in the world. If she approaches and tries to speak / apologise, smile, cut her off and calmly say "I have nothing to say to you, and if you have anything to say to me, I don't want to hear it." Then walk away.

Its literally in the op she found out after….

I think we can assume, by the scenario he’s put and continues to put his wife in, he’s not exactly a catch

This.

I don't blame you for taking him back... but I don't see how you'll manage to cope with him seeing her at work all the time. And I can't see how it will be anything but a struggle for you to attend. What will you gain from attending? Is it worth it? He should stay home too of course (although he should quit his job too, of course!).

I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family.

The unfaithful husband tells his wife and the other woman a pack of lies.

The other woman is desperate to believe these lies.

The cheated wife wraps herself in denial and is desperate to forgive her husband

I guess I don't agree with this. I don't feel impressed by men who have affairs, and don't feel they have got away with anything. I also don't look down on women who decide that a marriage and family is worth saving (or trying to save). Nor do I feel any sort of satisfaction when the marriage proves unsalvageable.

No she absolutely does not have to forgive her.

You are totally focusing on the OW rather than your scummy cheating lying husband. Easier to cope with I guess. Good luck.

Just to answer a few questions, he works in quite a niche market and it's not easy to just switch jobs, unless we considered a big dip in income which is just not an option at the moment. It is something we have discussed.
He confessed to me about the affair, but yes this was after it had ended. The affair lasted 3 months. The OW is married, but has no children. The event is an important one, and I do get along with his other colleagues, so in other circumstances would enjoy the evening. I don't want my usual life disrupted any more than it has to be. Her husband may or may not be at the event, I don't know if he knows or not. Just wanted advice on how to handle the OW.

Perhaps she can but I am struggling to overlook yours. If you’ve nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Your husband chose to stay in his job with his OW and you chose to stay with your cheating husband. I don't think you can say anything to the OW. You've made your bed.