Meeting ow in a group setting

[Jellystar]

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

In 25+ years I’ve never seen anyone say the wife thinks it’s “fine”. I’ve seen plenty, more than plenty, lie that it’s over, when it isn’t, I’ve seen the utter panic when they get caught. I travel internationally with work and I’ve seen the absolute lies they tell and the bullshit they peddle to get a shag, from literally anyone.

I have seen adult, seemingly senior men fall apart when they get caught and the marriage ends. Because it ‘didn’t mean anything”?? I’ve also seen similar men skip off into the future with shiny new woman , ditching ex wife and kids like a bad smell. I’ve also seem married people get caught shagging people other than their spouses in a changing room/ stationery cupboard/ by other staff or on one memorable occasion, their respective spouses. Not pretty. But, in general, men don’t actually blame the wives (unless it is THEIR wife, and they are the one having the affair, then they do 🤷‍♀️)

You have chosen to forgive your husband, the man who vowed to stay faithful to you. Therefore you must also forgive the woman, who owed you nothing, who promised you nothing.

You cannot forgive your husband, yet hold a grudge against the OW.

Pick one or the other. Hate your husband and hate the OW. Or forgive them both. It is absolutely unreasonable to forgive your husband and give him another chance…..yet hate the OW and look upon her as the scarlet woman who tore your family apart.

Only your husband tore your family apart and broke vows.

I respectfully disagree. You can choose to forgive or not and don’t not have to give that forgiveness evenly or fairly.

You CAN forgive a husband, but hold a grudge against an OW and I suspect that’s exactly what most people do.

Just as ow owed op nothing, op owes her nothing and that includes forgiveness.

‘Therefore you must also forgive the woman, who owed you nothing, who promised you nothing.
You cannot forgive your husband, yet hold a grudge against the OW’

@Hollietree Of course she can, what a ridiculous statement. If, as so many love quoting, ‘OW owes you nothing’ why the hell does a betrayed owe the OW her ‘forgiveness’?!? Surely she owes her NOTHING in return.

There are a hundred and one reasons to try and find forgiveness for a husband, particularly when children are involved and far reaching ties.

By all means she shouldn’t say anything but she is not obligated to ‘forgive’ because she’s back with her husband. The OW was hardly kind to her.

I wouldn't go, OP.
Sadly, and predictably, you did get all the 'she owes you nothing' bollocks here. I agree with you that a woman is as equally accountable as the man if she knowingly shits all over another woman's family.

Be a bit awkward if you make a sly dig to find your dh spun her a load of lies and implied you’d broken up or similar 🤷‍♀️
unless of course you’ve seen all the correspondence between them and she was relentless in snaring him although I’m unsure why he doesn’t sound like a catch… just a cheat 🐆

She probably did consider the fact he was married and had children. She probably would have felt bad. But the urge to shag your husband was greater than the feeling of guilt to a woman she’s never met.

That is so gross. True, but repugnant.

OP doesn't have to be a victim, it's her own choice to stay with a cheater. He most likely will cheat again.

No obviously ideally not using harsh language but if those were my choices I’d want a friend to call me pathetic and snap me out of it rather than letting me be pathetic and live my life with a cheat.

Since the ho-ho likes secret nastiness so much, catch up with her in the ladies' room, where there are no cameras. Then give her a swirly. Oh yeah! 😂

swirly (noun):

a prank that involves immersing someone's head in a toilet bowl as it is flushed.

(Cue simps bleating and whining in the voice of Mr. Hanky, The Christmas Poo).

If no one ever stayed with or went out with a cheater, then the world would be filled with far, far more single men than there are now. And they’d stay single, because second chances wouldn’t exist.

Not every man who cheats, goes on to cheat again. Some can change. People can change. Op has decided to give her husband that second chance. She doesn’t deserve to be harangued because of that. It’s her choice and posters don’t have to like it.

Anyone, male or female, who stays in these circumstances, is a volunteer not a victim. Would you want your sister or best friend to stay married to this man?

She’s already been the victim of cheating, that is my point. She’s not a victim for staying, she has made an informed choice, it might not be your choice but it’s hers and seeing her as ‘less than’ for doing that is sad. She’s in pain and all many of you are doing is shaming her, it’s nasty.

He's embarrassing you by taking you to this event. If he was serious about his marriage, he wouldn't go - or expect you to. But you'd rather let rip on her than look at that, I guess.

Read above.

Anyone who says things like this completely misses what a hard decision is actually is, when their children to grow up in a broken home, the loss in finances, etc. Don't be a simp.

I would not go personally - why do? So that everybody in the office would be pointing to me and saying 'this is this person who took him back'? I would not go and tell him not to go or else. Invent a prior engagement.

Honestly, I would act as if she was invisible. I wouldn't acknowledge her in any way.

Will anyone else there know about the affair?

How long did it go on for?

Ignore! I would NEVER give her the satisfaction. Make sure you look the best you ever have!!

All you have left is your dignity. Keep hold of it.

This is true though. He should be taking you out for dinner instead and actually move jobs.

Anyone who stays using the excuse of a broken home is completely failing to acknowledge that the children’s home is already irrevocably damaged. They will sense the atmosphere, the lack of trust, the suspicions, the tension. Is that a better way to grow up? I’ve got a few friends whose parents “stayed together for the kids” (and often for financial gain). Every single one without exception wishes they hadn’t.

He didn’t tell Op, she found out.

I’m all for second chances if someone’s remorseful. Something tells me that’s not the case here…

And don’t be overly affectionate with your husband…don’t hang off his arm and throw yourself at him, you’ll look obvious and desperate. Channel your Kate Middleton, occasional happy glances and smiles at him, look independent, happy and confident. Wear something that looks lovely, but doesn’t scream ‘I’m trying too hard’. You don’t want to appear threatened.