Page 7 | Meeting ow in a group setting

Jellystar · 2025-05-04T17:45:29+00:00

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

Evilspiritgin · 04/05/2025 20:33

There’s obviously some bits on the side here tonight judging by the downright horrendous responses to a woman who’s only found out about this in the last few months.

i I wouldn’t tell a friend to leave if her dh had had an affair, someone else’s marriage is none of my business, I would try help build her up so that if she wants to leave or not I would still be a friend and be there if needed

Overhaul54 · 04/05/2025 20:36

harriethoyle · 04/05/2025 18:53

Seriously, WHY is your anger towards her and not your husband? Giving him a free pass but wanting to bitch at her, who owes you no loyalty. Get your priorities straight. If you’ve chosen to stay with him because you’ve moved on, you need to actually move on. You’ll look like a maniac if you try and make sly comments to her and you really will not get the satisfaction out of it you’re anticipating.

She is angry at her DH. But the difference is he also loses something if they divorce ( and he didn’t see a long term relationship with the OW. His fuck up and he lives with the consequences.

The OW made a bad calculated decision that had no risk for her. She’s no worse off because he wasn’t hers to start with. It’s just a nasty thing to do given she knows about Op and the kids.

Beeloux · 04/05/2025 20:37

Make sure you are well dressed and done up. Completely ignore her. If your eyes lock, then give her a nice warm smile.

I think OW are just as bad as the cheaters and would feel the same as you OP. Yes the cheater can lie but there is a lot of OW who know about the wife and don’t care.

However they do often get their karma. The OW in my previous relationship thought she got one over on me but instead she got fat, sacked from work and deported. 😏

DontGoChasinWaterfalls · 04/05/2025 20:38

As much as you want to. Have some class and show her you're the better person. I'm sure you won't be able to resist giving her daggers but don't embarrass yourself for the sake of retribution.

Oxpeckercarnival · 04/05/2025 20:38

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:10

Again. No. This kind of spiteful comment is really hurtful to someone already feeling like a piece of shit, through absolutely no fault of her own. Can you really not see that? Would you say this to a friend of yours in person? The husband and the ow are pathetic. Op has done nothing wrong, she isn’t hurting anyone else. Maybe herself, but she alone gets to decide that.

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Agreed. Can't understand why there are so many vindictive people giving the OP a hard time.Her options are stay with a cheat or tear her and her childrens lives apart and it's not an easy position to be in. If I was in her husbands workplace I wouldn't be judging her.

MrsSunshine2b · 04/05/2025 20:40

You need to handle this with grace, considering you've made the dubious choice to continue the marriage. Making sly comments will:

Reinforce what he has doubtless told her, that you are a mean bitch who doesn't understand him and lashes out at people.
Make you look a bit pathetic and needy for letting him off the hook and then lashing out at her.

cestlavielife · 04/05/2025 20:42

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

Because he told her you and he were finished? That he was going to leave you etc?
Surely you understand that he will have told her a pack of untruths?
Really not her fault
It was his decision to say yes please
You think you are back together but you cannot be certain he won't stray again with her or someone else
Since he knows now you will always take him back again he can have cake and eat it

Zanatdy · 04/05/2025 20:42

If you want to say something to her, then ask your DH for her number. A work event is certainly not the time for settling scores. In all honesty, can’t believe you’re both going with her there so soon after finding out.

Itisjustmyopinion · 04/05/2025 20:44

HunnyPot · 04/05/2025 20:31

I’d rip her to shreds.

Maybe having words with her is needed but not at an event hosted by both DH and OW work

Nobody there will have loyalty with the OP so she may end looking like a raving lunatic who is attacking their colleague

Could have repercussions on DH job - getting someone who has no job to pay maintenance if you do split up is going to be difficult

And also life isn’t a soap opera so have a bit of self respect and not rip her to shreds in a public place

RedAdmirals · 04/05/2025 20:46

DelphiniumBlue · 04/05/2025 18:54

Why are you going? And why is DH still working there?

Good question

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:48

Oxpeckercarnival · 04/05/2025 20:38

Agreed. Can't understand why there are so many vindictive people giving the OP a hard time.Her options are stay with a cheat or tear her and her childrens lives apart and it's not an easy position to be in. If I was in her husbands workplace I wouldn't be judging her.

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I work with mostly men and I have been in situation more times than I can count, because this happens a lot. I don’t judge the spouse and actually, no one does, including the blokes. In fact a few openly say “lucky bastard” because they got ditched when the ow was discovered. There is the odd “wince” that it must be awful for her, but no judgement. The cheating shithead and the ow are judged a lot (by the wives as well because a lot of men can’t keep secrets and also have a habit of talking about others infidelity to cover up their own)

Overhaul54 · 04/05/2025 20:48

cestlavielife · 04/05/2025 20:42

Because he told her you and he were finished? That he was going to leave you etc?
Surely you understand that he will have told her a pack of untruths?
Really not her fault
It was his decision to say yes please
You think you are back together but you cannot be certain he won't stray again with her or someone else
Since he knows now you will always take him back again he can have cake and eat it

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That’s not the case though. If he was painting the marriage as essentially over then the grown up thing to do is to say you’ll wait until the divorce is underway ( if not actually finalised).

Because otherwise how would you know if he was just looking for a shag, or bored or wanted an ego boost.

What you don’t do is have a relationship with a married bloke. It’s literally that easy.

Elasticatedtrousers · 04/05/2025 20:49

A woman staying with her husband after infidelity really brings out the vipers on here.

Victim shaming at its finest. Pathetic.

lifeonmars100 · 04/05/2025 20:50

Ignore her, of course it will be tempting to say something but that will only feel good for the few seconds you are saying it.

Blanca87 · 04/05/2025 20:50

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

That is all very well saying this, and I have read women who write similar posts. However, the framing is so heavily weighted towards the hate of the women then insert’ but I know my husband blah blah but I’m committed to making it work’
Then enivitably he does it again. Except next time you will be more broken , less aware and most likely susceptible to getting fucked over financially by him as he uses this period of reconciliation as a means to get his ducks in a row.
At the moment you feel like you have won and want to show the OW you won in a public display. But neither of you have won. You both got involved with a weak , pathetic man. Sorry if that comes across harsh.

Helpmeplease2025 · 04/05/2025 20:50

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:48

I work with mostly men and I have been in situation more times than I can count, because this happens a lot. I don’t judge the spouse and actually, no one does, including the blokes. In fact a few openly say “lucky bastard” because they got ditched when the ow was discovered. There is the odd “wince” that it must be awful for her, but no judgement. The cheating shithead and the ow are judged a lot (by the wives as well because a lot of men can’t keep secrets and also have a habit of talking about others infidelity to cover up their own)

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I also work with loads of men, and this is not my experience. Half of the married men never mention their wife and kids, for a start. Most people know about the office affairs and turn a blind eye. If any wife knowingly took them back, they’d be seen to be basically saying it’s fine to carry on.

Most work people have no interest in their colleagues spouses well being.

SunnySideDeepDown · 04/05/2025 20:52

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

You’re right, she’s got no morals.

But neither has your husband. I’m sorry to say you’re being foolish taking him back. He’ll do it again.

You're misplacing your anger. Do you feel trapped with him? Why does he think it’s ok for you to have to meet his ex-mistress? That doesn’t sound like he’s overly apologetic or understanding. Why is he still working with her?

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/05/2025 20:53

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:54

Ok, results are pretty unanimous so far 😂
I just don't understand how a woman can knowingly get involved with a man with a wife and children, with no concern that they are potentially breaking up a family. I've not taken him back lightly, and I am well aware of what an arsenal he has been. But I understand how it would look of I seem angry at her in public whilst fine with him.

He’s in the wrong He lied to two women. She did not make vows with you or marry you. Let it go.

KaleQueen · 04/05/2025 20:53

If you go, then look at her with your hardest Paddington stare. Look her up and down, slowly. Shake your head, slowly. Look disgusted at her.
Say nothing. Then turn away. And don’t look at her again.
You deserve to be allowed to give that kind of cold contempt revenge to a woman who decided to do what she did to you.
Not commenting on the husband obv he’s as much to blame etc.
But, that’s what I would do.

Peacepleaselouise · 04/05/2025 20:54

Treating her like a complete and total irrelevance will be more damning.

Onedayatatime9 · 04/05/2025 20:57

Act as if she is totally invisible. A quiet & satisfied look as if to say I have got through a huge insult on my marriage is more than enough.

I agree with posters who say men have a responsibility not to pursue other women. Ultimately the women being pursued have a responsibility to turn them down until they have separated from their wives.

I also agree with posters who have said he should be actively looking for another job away from this woman.

GreenwayHouse · 04/05/2025 21:03

surreygirl1987 · 04/05/2025 20:27

Oh jeez. You have no idea what he told her about you. Some men tell their affair partners that their wife has been cheating on him, that it's over in everyway apart from legally, that the wife is abusive... whatever. I really do think your anger at the OW is misplaced. I've been the OW before (not getting in the way of a marriage, but a relationship), and my 'boyfriend' told me that he'd broken up with her agea ago and that she was basically stalking him and he was worried about her mental health too much to call the police on her! Turns out not to be true at all - he was sleeping with us both. Men can be very convincing when they want a bit on the side and will say whatever it takes to keep the lie going. Your husband is the only one who you can be certain behaved completely immorality and disrespectfully towards you.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters. Say and do nothing, except look fabulous and radiate confidence, poise and happiness. Get your hair and nails done, wear an outfit you feel great in, and hold your head up high.

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This. I had this with someone too. He wasn't married but made out that he was really unhappy with his partner. He didn't say she was awful or anything but that they weren't happy together. I wouldn't get involved with him until he'd left but then he decided she wasn't that bad after all and tried to get back with her. She wouldn't have him. So of course I do now wonder how much of what he told me was true.

My partner has recently left me (not the one mentioned above) and has made out that I'm the worst person in the world (I'm really not...). So you don't know what your DH told people about you and your relationship. My ex partner has made out that I'm controlling and that I made him unhappy and that I didn't care about him. None of that is true.

I'm not saying that the OW is blameless, of course, but he might have made out that you led separate lives, that you were going to leave him, that you made him unhappy etc etc.

In terms of whether you should say something to the OW, I can see the temptation but am also of the mind that you should leave it. I remember Victoria Beckham's photoshoot on their skiing holiday after David Beckham's (alleged?) affair had come to light. She must have been devastated but she radiated dignity and she showed that she was the one who had got him in the end. She didn't say anything about it publicly, that I remember, which I felt gave the OW the impression that she was nothing to them in the grand scheme of things. I admired her fortitude as I would not have been so dignified. So I would recommend doing the same if you can.

unlikelywitch · 04/05/2025 21:03

Deciding to stay with your H after an affair is one thing but attending a work event with him where the OW and their colleagues (who I’d bet know all about it) will be is another. Do you need to go? I just think it has the potential to end up being quite stressful and upsetting.

I’d make it clear to your H that he needs to start looking for a new company asap.

HunnyPot · 04/05/2025 21:06

Itisjustmyopinion · 04/05/2025 20:44

Maybe having words with her is needed but not at an event hosted by both DH and OW work

Nobody there will have loyalty with the OP so she may end looking like a raving lunatic who is attacking their colleague

Could have repercussions on DH job - getting someone who has no job to pay maintenance if you do split up is going to be difficult

And also life isn’t a soap opera so have a bit of self respect and not rip her to shreds in a public place

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And…..?

RedhairDL · 04/05/2025 21:06

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

Hi op,

I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to go 45 years without sleeping with a married man. I have always been quick to judge sleazy married men looking for a easy shag, and have unsurprisingly been able to restrain myself, from becoming someone’s bit on the side, and ruining a family at the same time.

So I completely understand how you feel. Women who engage with men whom they know to be married and especially if those men have children, are as morally repugnant as the men themselves. They are not innocents or victims and quite frankly deserve to feel the same level of emotional and psychological pain, that they helped to inflict on another human being. What goes around comes around etc etc

But, I also subscribe to the idea that indifference is the greatest insult. To treat someone like they simply don’t exist. That they have no effect on you. So I would say go to the event head held high, big smile on your face. Chat away to people, gently touch your partners arm or hand regularly and look like you don’t have a care in the world. Don’t look at her, don’t even take a curious glance in her direction. Let your beauty shine through, by being friendly to the people around you.

It’s ok to want to make a go of your marriage and that means you make a choice to forgive your husband, but no, you do not have to forgive her too. But definitely don’t lower yourself and make digs or comments.

Best of luck!