Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Nope I don’t think you’ve been unfair on him at all. The trip and time burden on him are negligible in the grand scheme of things, and your parents are feeling vulnerable about this. What’s important to you should be important to him. Your parents should be allowed to go away and feel carefree. I absolutely would be upset if my partner wouldn’t do this for my parents.

Once we went on a longer holiday and two of our neighbours would water our plants and take the post in etc. When we came back other neighbours asked us why there had been so many different people and children in our house when we were away. Turned out there had been a full house, and my dd’s things had been messed with and her money was gone (they were even hidden). None of them confessed. Very disappointing!!!

Sorry, but although I think it’s great to help out your family, it’s completely unreasonable to ask someone to cycle over to an empty house twice a day to open curtains.
Who does that?! It’s bonkers behaviour. As a Pp said, get a ring doorbell.

I don’t think that’s a minor task, but honestly, I suspect his issue isn’t that’s a faff but that it’s completely unnecessary.

I would go out of my way to help in a situation that was actually important (such as the examples you gave about someone’s illness and death) but not for something that’s ultimately completely unnecessary and will achieve nothing.

Just tell your parents he’s doing it. That will allay their anxieties, which is all this is really about. They’ll be none the wiser.

I think it's not a big deal for him to do this. It's just a normal bit of exercise really - 30 mins on a bike. But it is arguably unnecessary. If it were something that was inarguably necessary, eg feeding a cat, would he also be irritated and not want to do it or would he be more obliging?

OP it’s a bit overkill but I know that my DH would do anything he could to help my Mum. He sometimes rolls his eyes at it to me, but he wouldn’t dream of making my Mum feel like she’s a burden. I too would be disappointed if he could do something to help but basically couldn’t be bothered.

My mum helps mE and my DP out a lot with childcare etc. he would 100% do this without question, because he’s not a twat.

It’s completely unnecessary to check on their house twice a day so I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to do it, especially as he has to go to work. If it was to feed a cat or something, it would be reasonable to help, but there is just no need for this. Your parents need to deal with their anxiety and not push it onto others.

I’m happy to help family and friends with this kind of stuff BUT their irrational anxiety isn’t something I’d collude with.

Neighbours looking out for the house with a key for emergencies and 2/3 visits is more than adequate.

FWIW the ask isn't a lot all things considered, but your parents are being a bit OTT about having someone there morning and night daily.

they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check

That is bonkers logic. So if anyone does try to break in there is no alarm, that could impact their insurance if house left empty with no alarm on, switch on the burglar alarm!

Sorry I don’t have time to read all the previous posts but this part struck a chord with me-He was confrontational and very angry……. It’s ok for him to disagree but I wouldn’t be happy with him responding like this. Why couldn’t he say it in a more constructive way as adults do? Hope you’re ok x

In view of the background you've given OP, I don't see why your DH can't get off his arse and do this relatively unstrenuous favour for your elderly parents. You say they've been kind and generous over the years and no doubt your DH has benefitted from this too. You say they looked after your cat for 10 days whilst your DH's dad was dying so you could help his mother and that you personally put a lot of effort into that whole situation whilst your DH did very little. Your parents rarely ask for anything and are more likely to give than receive. Your DH sounds selfish and unkind. He would do well to remember that life is not a one way street. Remind him that what goes around, comes around.

I think it would be pretty obvious to anyone casing the joint that the owners are away when a bloke rolls up on his bike, opens the front door, closes (or opens) the curtains and cycles off, and does this twice a day...that this is a house ripe for burglary!

Not wanting to use the burglar alarm is a bit like having a washing machine, not using it, but doing a full load by hand in the bath!

Turn the radio OFF. Turn the burglar alarm ON. Have a light come on at different times pre-set. And if necessary your DH can pretend he's cycled there every day.

Yeah it was what my mum used to do for us too. Also minus the fizz. Very much appreciated after a long flight.

Support in caring for a living creature is not even comparable to batshit make-work like opening and closing curtains.

Agree. An hour a day trip for an absolutely unnecessary task. You are asking him to waste a hour a day. The stuff they did when his dad was ill, did he ask them did you ask them or did they volunteer? If the latter two then well you don’t do things to get things in return you do it because you want to. If it was say waiting in for a tradesperson to come then I’d say yes he should as that’s perhaps needed if the tradesperson could only come when they were away

Yes, and agree with a PP. I imagine your parents insurance shows they have a burglar alarm, it reduces premiums. If they don't put it on, their insurance will be voided

Alternatively everyone else goes around martyring themselves and he doesn’t and has boundaries.Assuming he’s not generally a twat then i like the cut of his gib. Or is it jib?

This! I’d laugh and tell my parents to stop being ridiculous if they suggested such a scheme. Absolutely no way I’d do it for them, so I wouldn’t for in-laws. You’re also completely BU for thinking it’s your business how much or little he supported his dying dad.

Yes, its not normal for someone to leave a radio running overnight, if they were in, it would be switched off.
I'm on your DH's side I'm afraid - yes he could pop in every few days just to help out, but personally I don't do anything with curtains or blinds so not to set a routine that someone else could see. All I do is turn the living room light off at night and this can be done on a timer.
If they're worried about burglaries, they can have a ring doorbell like suggested previously and a camera.

If they go away & don’t set the alarm they might find their insurance invalid. If they are worried get an indoor camera they can access from their phone so they can visibly see the house themselves, that might help reassure them. I know having been the victim of robbery myself as you get older & more vulnerable can make you feel less in control or able to defend your property. Hope that helps, the husband on the other hand is a twat but I am sure you know this already.

Depends on your definition of being a martyr I suppose. I wouldn't see helping my elderly mum or ILs as martyrdom, especially if they'd been kind and generous over the years. The favour in question is only for a few days, not for life. Boundaries are important but should they exclude any and all help for other people (even if those people have helped you)? And what happens when you need help yourself - because you inevitably will on some level, some day. Do your "boundaries" extend to that?

Sounds to me that your dp is overwhelmed and possibly depressed as he is so recently bereaved.
May be give him a break.

I think this less about the curtains and more about whether your husband is as unpleasant as he sounds.
You sound very nice.
Which is often the case in such situations. Lock.key.
Watch out.