Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Honestly OP, this is a ridiculous ask.

Just tell them he’s doing it, OP. It’ll set their mind at rest and whether he does it or not will make no meaningful difference to the likelihood of a burglary.

Warn them about the impact of an unset burglar alarm on insurance, too.

I hope your parents have a lovely time.

Feeding anxieties doesn't reduce them, it increases them. It just validates the anxiety and allows it to snowball. not helpful.

I mean, it might be because his dad died in last 4 months and OP is demanding he goes over to her parents' to open and close curtains and compares it to him receiving support for his father's illness and subsequent death? I think anger is a normal emotion here.

I’m with your DH. Just leave the curtains open like lots of other people. Ridiculous request.
And your parents will buy in as much help as they can when very elderly, surely?! If I were you or your neighbour I’d be worried about what expectations there will be when real life changing issues arrive.

Can you genuinely not see the difference between keeping an animal alive and closing some curtains?

I think opening and shutting curtains twice a day is overkill, esp from 15 mins away.

Even if it were just once in the evening it would be better. Or if the same person didn’t do both that would be something.

It’s a bit mean of him to react that way without suggesting what he thinks would be reasonable though.

The way you describe him, he comes across as lazy or not taking responsibility

I don't disagree, but spending an hour a day cycling to someone's house just to open/close some curtains is where I draw the line - especially when they have a burglar alarm and are refusing to use it.

Yes, exactly. It's a pretty offensive comparison.

And let's be honest, they can't be that anxious if they're willing to go abroad for two weeks, can they?!

Really? You can’t make a commitment for someone else and be pissed off when they say no.

I don’t close my curtains but we aren’t overlooked. This sounds like two elderly people fussing around and wanting things the way they want them regardless of the consequences and who has be put out. Fgs - just use the burglar alarm.

Insurance isn’t invalid if you don’t set your alarm.

That's an hour of biking every day and I think it's way too much of an ask. Your parents sound overanxious and like they're catastrophizing.

They have a damn burglar alarm and lights on a timer? Sheesh. Hell no. Team Husband. They are out of order.

What is important to one person may not be to another. Sensibly or not the parents are anxious. They are older and older people can develop all manner of sensitivities. Much like young children can have irrational fears and concerns, so can the old. They have been extremely generous and never ask for anything.
they are now asking one thing which may be irritating but is totally doable. Yet you choose to decide whether it’s valid in terms of giving back a little of the goodwill they have extended to you. You’ve decided that in your mind the reasons aren’t ‘good enough’. That’s a peculiar type of love.

Get them this https://www.amazon.co.uk/SwitchBot-Smart-Automatic-Curtain-Opener/dp/B0C6XVXPCC/ref=asc_df_B0C6XVXPCC?mcid=2e82d23637833db9a5d8ce96954e118c&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697301552600&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8797302682489313464&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046891&hvtargid=pla-2192716052136&gad_source=1&th=1

I am with your DH on this, it’s a completely ludicrous request all the more bizarre that they are so worried about being burgled that they aren’t switching on their alarm . Pandering the people’s anxieties is absolutely not the same as providing care when they need it.

You can buy automated curtains

bonkers that they are not putting the alarm on

tell your parents that you are doing it but , go over when it suits

It isn't always helpful to pander to anxiety. In this case it is an entirely irrational ask.

sorry i think twice a day is overkill my sister is going away for a week and im only going over once a day to feed her cat-also my blind is always down at the front of my house as i dont want people stariing at me through the kitchen

never been burgled

House is only 15 mins away

"but is totally doable."

It requires at least an hour of biking every single day. To open and close curtains. That's crazy.

It's a ridiculous ask and it's unhealthy to feed such over the top anxiety when they already have a burglar alarm and lights on timers.

I think the task itself is overkill because we always just put lamps on a timer and keep the curtains closed.

But this does reveal a deep seated selfishness on the part of your husband and his happiness to take from your parents and nothing in return.

I’d be encouraging your parents to be a LOT less generous to the twat and ensure he doesn’t benefit from their generosity anymore.

Hmm he does sound selfish, unhelpful and ungrateful. However I dont think drawing the curtains is essential, most burglaries take place during the day when they think people are out.

Yes, but he has to go there/back twice a day, so that's an hour out of his day - without the time it will take him to faff about with lights, post and curtains.

They have an alarm - they should use it.

Yeah, but he's not moving in is he? He has to get back home again. It's not a one way journey.