Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

It's irrelevant to put me in a position I'm not in. Generally, I don't berate my child. However, we were not discussing OPs parents berating. We were discussing how we'd handle her dilemma

Doubt it, but that's not relevant. My mindset and age and stage are different. My worries and anxieties also different

What they are suggesting is not sensible in the first place, and i suspect your dh feels the same, but doesn't want to say so. Having an alarm but not using it is daft. Having a trail of people in and out of the house twice a day when that doesn't usually happen is more likely to attract thieves than put them off, not least as it'll be obvious to anyone watching the house that the alarm isn't on.

Tell them to put the alarm on and ask the neighbour to keep an eye on the house - that's more than enough. (This is also in line with advice we got after our house was broken in to. We were only out for an hour and less than 3 miles away - just unlucky!)

No, guilt tripping is trying to make someone feel bad for saying no. Emphasis on the work "guilt¨. It's not a 2020's concept. You can already find examples of it in the bible, so it's a bit older than you thought. They just didn't have a word for at that time.

I am maybe over engaged with this, as I’m currently trying to juggle increased demands from elderly DPs where it’s not good enough to get them their groceries, I have to replicate their previous set up and I have to visit multiple shops for specific items which can only be bought in small quantities to necessitate a weekly visit.

@rookiemere This reminds me of my parents. I would visit them for a few days (I live over an hour away) and my father will want to go grocery shopping. He asks if I can go along to help him carrying things. I think "no problem, the store is not that far away and it's maybe an hour / hour-and-half to help them for a weekly task". Nope! He goes to three different stores to get the exact brand and size of packaging of each product, because that the only package that fits in the fixed spot in the cupboard/fridge. He can´t find one package, starts cursing and we then have to go to a fourth shop, just for that one item in the right size. Then we get home and the groceries barely fit in the already overflowing cupboards and fridge. The whole task took almost three hours. Two days later, we had to do it all again. 😲

Sometimes you just have to put the brakes on. Just because your parents may not have that much going on in their lives anymore, doesn't mean it applies to someone still full-time in employment, who may only have the weekends for grocery shopping. The older generation seems to ask for a lot of sympathy, help and understanding, while not really trying to understand the reality of their children's lives and think they are at their disposal at the drop of a hat.

The older generation seems to ask for a lot of sympathy, help and understanding, while not really trying to understand the reality of their children's lives and think they are at their disposal at the drop of a hat.

I am the older generation, probably the age of the OP's parents and I honestly would not ask them to do anything like this. They have their own very busy lives, working hard, trying to balance home life and work. They don't need me guilt tripping them into meaningless jobs that take an hour a day like opening and closing curtains. I honestly don't know how some people have the nerve to ask for things like this

Meant to add, what do they imagine is going to happen while they are away? They could be burgled whilst they are half an hour away from the house at the local Tesco. Do they think squatters are going to move in or something?

Absolutely this👆👆👆👆👆
If it makes the difference between parents having a stress free ,relaxed, well deserved holiday then why not.

I'm older too and I doubt I'd ask anyone to do this for me. But it's obviously playing on the minds of this particular couple. We all have our quirks. They've been kind, generous and supportive over the years to the daughter and her husband and they rarely ask for anything in return. This reasonably small favour for someone fit and healthy is only for 3 days anyway!

Thank you @SmoothRoadsI really appreciate your words.

It is perhaps more pertinent to our situations than the OPs, but I also hate the inference from some that it doesn’t matter how batty the task is, it should be done for the olds because:1) they gave birth to you 2) they helped you out 3) they need to relax on their “well earned “ holiday and 4) we should all be kind all
the time regardless of our own personal circumstances .
Here I feel there is particular additional emphasis because the guilty party is a man which is a heinous sin in itself and worse still a man who didn’t react the way the OP would in a bereavement situation, ergo heartless.

Or

They could use the alarm system whose purpose is exactly this...

If they're that worried, they would use the burglar alarm, and/or pay for a house-sitter, not wait until the week before they leave to ask someone to do it for free.

In which case the daughter and her husband can stop accepting support and any generosity from them. Life isn't a one way street. As for doing it "for free", I would not dream of charging my kind and supportive parents (who hardly ever ask for anything) for such a small favour. It's only for 3 days for fuck sake. Anyone would think they'd asked him to build a bloody extension.

A "favour" is going to water the plants, or feed the cats, or wait in for the boiler person - it's not spending over an hour a day on transport just to open and close some curtains because you're paranoid about theft (but are simultaneously refusing to use the burglar alarm you already have fitted).

I would happily go and help my parents with a genuine need - food shopping, driving them to appointments, feeding any animals - but this isn't a need, it's a want based on a totally unfounded worry.

They can't be that anxious if they were happy to book and arrange this holiday and leave it until the week before to arrange care for the house.

What if your parents asked you to cycle over 2x a day and dance a jig in their front garden? Or cycle over twice a day to dig a hole in the back garden and then fill it up again?

The parents' request makes about as much sense, if that. It's time-wasting busywork that is disrespectful of the people being asked to do it, just to humour their refusal to get mental health counseling and to get with the times in 2025.

Using their existing alarm, installing cheap web cams and taking a box of jewelry and valuables to be stored in OP's house for the duration of the holiday is more than sufficient. No reason to expect at least three people to dance to their tune.

I've got a curtain opener machine that opens and closes then on a timer. Have you looked into this?

Exactly. When I want something like this done, I pay for it. My former pet sitter still is happy to drop in (for a fee) and check my plants, fill the outdoor bird feeders, collect packages, etc. There is no way I would impose on friends or family to do such mundane stuff at the expense of an hour or more of their day.

My god do things like this exist?!

We once left our house for two and a half months with ,if I remember correctly, just a couple of checks on it and neighbours using and putting the bins out and back

How is the OPs parents going to cope with bins not being put out. That's a telltale sign

I didn't realise being kind to family undergoing stress and grief was done purely to be reciprocated with inane and pointless activities 🤔

DH issue put aside, your parents can buy a motion sensor camera, it doesn't cost much at all. And also some smart plugs, onto which they plug a lamp, and with an app, they can set the plugs to be turned on at sunset and turned off a few hours later.

I have a feeling that having someone coming twice a day for just a minute would give more of a hint that the house in empty.