Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

They'd rather put you and DH out for over an hour each day than just turn their alarm on? Properly staggered at this, I think they are being massive CF tbh and don't blame your DH for not wanting to do it.

Your parents sound a bit paranoid however your DH sounds unpleasant. If he didn't want to step to help his own parents I don't suppose you shouldn't be surprised he doesn't want to help your parents. I wouldn't really enjoy being married to someone so selfish and unhelpful. I'd wonder what he'd be like if you ever need care.

I wouldn't ask someone who has just had to deal with grief for favours you ask them what they need.

Emptying bins = necessary task or rubbish will build up attracting rodents, checking house at the same time is sensible.

Expecting someone to do a half hour round trip, plus time inside to open and close curtains 2 x per day in lieu of switching on a working burglar alarm = pandering to daft, illogical thinking. I can just about see asking a neighbour, but even then it’s a bit too much. This is nothing to do with helping elderly people with things they are unable to do themselves. If the parents are that worried, they shouldn’t go, bet there is nothing worth stealing in the house anyway.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask any I think it's kind to help one another's families but yabu if you brought up his dad's illness and eventual death as a comparison!

I'm not the same person. But I have dealt with similar issues and had a parent with sight loss. The key box did get used in the end.

I think he is being a miserable git. Half an hour cycle ride twice a day is nothing; good exercise for him. Sounds as though your parents are supportive and generous, why not help them enjoy their trip?

It might be nothing to you but an hour out of some people’s day is a lot. especially for an unnecessary task

Because they have an alarm they’re choosing not to use.

Agree. This entire situation is bizarre. That the OP doesn’t comprehend the weirdness of her parents’ demands, sucking up the free time of at least three different people for batshit make-work, is concerning.

The husband is probably fed up with humouring his wife and his in-laws.

And even sans an alarm, their demands are nuts.

I didn't and haven't said I was same as OPs parents

When you randomly asked it out if the blue it did.

My parents are very nervous about this sort of thing - they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check. They have timer lights and they leave the radio on 24/7. Points taken.

If someone tries to break in during the night, a burglar alarm will be far more effective than a curtain-opener

Got your sense of humour back on track

Exactly.

Yes, it sounds like they are anxious but in the grand scheme of things it's a very small thing to ask of him and they don't ask very often. I'd be so upset if my dh was like this. People go on and on about it's takes a village and all that and then can't be bothered to help when asked.

I have to pay for a pet feeder to come to the house when we're away and she's £15 a day for one trip.

This is twice the amount of hassle and for no reason really. They would have been better to arm the alarm (briefing the neighbour how to switch it off in case of foxes etc) and to get timers on the lights.

Because it’s a totally unnecessary task.

A minimum of an hour out of someone’s day is not a small thing. These are perhaps the same people judging me for not going up and down to my DPs more frequently than once a week because it’s an hours drive each way and I work full time.

I absolutely agree families should help each other out and if there was say a cat needing fed, then I would tell DH to suck it up. But just because some people become irrationally anxious as they get older, it does not mean their family should have to give up free time for their frankly barking demands.

I am maybe over engaged with this, as I’m currently trying to juggle increased demands from elderly DPs where it’s not good enough to get them their groceries, I have to replicate their previous set up and I have to visit multiple shops for specific items which can only be bought in small quantities to necessitate a weekly visit.

I can’t continue to do that and work and travel an hour each way, so I am gradually having to rationalise the list - online shopping, buying in bulk for the freezer etc.

It is the right thing to help, but I have very little patience for the be kind ethos for nonsensical tasks, and believe me if you entertain it now, it will get worse.

It wouldn't happen as I'm not the same as OPs parents. Nothing bizarre.