Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Not if it's family

I would love my son in law to mow our lawn when we're away but hells teeth, he gets back from work at 10pm on a friday after a full on week and travelling, I wouldn't dream of asking him

So they should hire a professional house-sitter. It's not difficult.

Being related to someone doesn't mean you get to take the piss.

Exactly. I help my in-laws with plenty, and they help us - but it's all voluntary and absolutely never expected.

My DH would absolutely do it, and actually does a lot more for my elderly father. He has always regarded my family as his family, and I have seen his family as mine.

That said, the twice daily checking does seem excessive if you need to do a 30 minute round trip each day. There must be better ways of managing the security.

They are out of touch tbh, you can get a ring alarm, doorbells, cameras the lot so there's no excuse for an hour out of his day for this tbh.

I am surprised at the results of this poll. What OP asked for was basically a minimum of 1 hour and 10 minutes out of someone's free time on a weekday, for something so none essential. And this would be for 5 or 6 times during a 10 day period (as it seems we are only talking weekdays). We're talking a minimum of 6 hours of work (but more likely 7), to feed into someone's anxiety. It's a big ask.

What bothers me even more is the guilt tripping being used and it seems like it was not the first time either. You don´t get to volunteer someone's time and efforts. You can ask, but they can say no and it's very disrespectful to then start pressuring/guilt-tripping them into doing what you think they ought to be doing.

This has all the ingredients of a very toxic relationship and in the husband's shoes I would be angry too.

I don’t think this is such a big ask. I’ve visited a friend’s cat for longer than this , fed multiple animals for another friend, spent an entire day varnishing floors, polished stoves , all sorts of things to help someone out. I would be upset and shocked if DH had refused to do something to help my parents have a less stressful break. I would absolutely do something like this to help my brother for instance.
I’m surprised at the responses tbh. Our parents do so much for us , isn’t it nice to be able to do things for them as they get older ?

Would you really expect your DH to give up 90+ minutes of his day to faff about with your parents curtains when they have an alarm system they're refusing to use instead?

They have an alarm! They just don't want to use it - which is even worse tbh.

They're better to leave their curtains open, you can't tell at night and it's less obvious that having them closed during the day

You said your father in law died earlier this year - it’s only early May. That means your husband’s loss is very recent and raw. Perhaps that, plus the fact that it’s actually unnecessary as well as that you compared this task to helping his father at the end of his life (which is not remotely comparable imo) - I do think you’re being unreasonable.

@Intranslation

Great. If you have, that’s your choice if you’re happy to do that.

OP husband doesn’t want to though. That is his choice which many others can understand because he is not obligated and more importantly in this case, it is completely unnecessary. OPs parents think it is, but that is their anxiety talking and it’s unreasonable to expect others to fit in with that.

Absolutely

Guilt tripping a very 2020s concept that people apply to almost anything these days.
My Dad would come and empty our bins and check our house right up until he stopped driving and well after he was a carer (although she was very capable etc.) to my blind mother. I daresay you think that what I'm saying is guilt tripping. It's not, I did stuff to help them and they helped me.

It's not that, family help for free. Do all those Mumsnetters getting childcare pay their parents? I doubt it.

Well my parents are dead which gives a different perspective perhaps , but yes, if they were anxious about it. I wouldn’t have to ask DH , he would offer . It’s common for people to get a bit more anxious as they get older, OP’s Mum doesn’t get much of a break and probably that doesn’t help, but whether it’s “reasonable” or not is not really the issue is it ? Your anxious Mum, the one who got up in the night when you had a nightmare, the one who packed your lunches, ironed your school blouses, worried when you were home late, she needs a bit of help. Seems straightforward to me, if you can help, you help.

This thread is the perfect example of men are always wrong on MN

Fair enough it’s one chore - but quite a time-consuming one when the parents should sort out lights on timers etc is my short point.

Yes, definitely this.

I wouldn’t ask my family to help for free when I could just…set an alarm.

You may be happy to have the piss taken out of you but I’m not 🤷‍♀️

You're clearly both better people than me then!