Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Can the neighbours not just keep an eye on the house from the outside?

Having your husband travel there and back twice a day to open and close curtains is fucking mental.

If the house gets burgled then surely their neighbours can alert the police. A house check by your husband wont deter any criminals I’m afraid.

I disagree it won't be a deterrent.
Yes, if someone was on stakeout 24/7 they'd realise that someone wasn't home fulltime.
But
a) If they notice people are still popping in and out at least twice a day there's a higher degree of being caught, which is a deterrent

b) realistically unless the parents live in a McMansion there aren't going to be potential burglars watching it 24/7 to establish a routine - any burglaries are more likely to be the opportunistic type, i.e someone who goes past at 2pm and sees all the curtains are closed (or at 2am and sees they are open), plus no car in driveway = potential for burglary there and then. Or look the same time/12 hrs later the same day - if curtains haven't moved easy to establish occupants are away. Whereas if curtains are open at the time everyone else's are, and closed at the same time the rest of the streets' are, your average passerby won't clock there's nobody home at one particular house.

For me, 1hr a day is a bit of an ask, so I can see why he doesn't want to. It would depend if it HAS to be done by bike - i.e. if he can't drive. If he can drive and you just mentioned the bike as an option, so it could alternatively be done in 5 mins on his way to gym/shop/whatever in the car then I think he is being U.

The short answer is that neither of us knows why the current set up re security isn't the way they want to handle things for their holiday.

My approach to this is that I'd cut them some slack this time and then try and work out a solution that suits all parties better next time.

Sometimes anxieties come into play making a specific thing an area of worry. It's good it's not stopping them booking/going.

The 'processing time' is not to set up the alarm as such it's to work through any anxieties

What's that got to do with it 🤷‍♀️

Why don’t you do it? Or ask their next door neighbour to do it? Just because he wfh doesn’t mean hd must pick up all your chores if your oarents’ chores (which they should have sorted out for themselves)

Use context

And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly

When they need support, his response may well be different.
The reason he isn't BU here (and you were) is that this is a completely unnecessary task. Nor is cycling for 30mins x twice a day a minor ask.

If they lived 2 mins walk from you, he might well pop in, but that is a lot of time to do something unnecessary.

It is
For ours anyway

You can get automatic curtain pullers on Amazon that can be set to a timer.

My mum once had a dinner party where random people were brought along and her phone went missing - she couldn’t claim on her insurance because it wasn’t locked in a drawer during the party!

Surely a better solution would be

Lights or lamp on a timer

Burglar alam activated

Some people do not live near their relatives to do twice daily unnecessary curtain carousels

The next door neighbour is doing it.

The husband is not being asked to 'do all the parents' chores'.

He is asked to share this one chore, with the neighbour, while the OP is out of the country.

It's as much a favour to the OP as it is to her parents. Yet he begrudges his time and his enegry.

But these people do live close enough to do it.

God some people here are incredibly cut and dried...

I was just thinking someone going in = curtains open/closed, probably gives the game away more than leaving them closed.

The curtains at the front of our house tend to stay closed because they are either very overlooked or got a computer the other side so hard to see the screen.

It’s easy to be compassionate when you’re volunteering someone else’s time. Gotta love those types.

I'm still not telling you how many DC I have even if this reply makes you seem less like a stalker than your previous question 🤣

Nope. Our DCs live maybe 35-mins away by car
They lead such busy lives beyond comprehension, I could not imagine asking them to close curtains!

I'm ancient. I make my own arrangements

I wouldn't consider 15 minutes by bike to be "close enough" to faff about closing someone's curtains twice a day.

It's essentially 45 minutes, twice a day, for free.

Nah.

Ah, but how do you know if I've been in same position or not?

What I can tell you is that it doesn't sound like an especially onerous task more like one I'd suck up for this holiday and support a better solution for the next time.

Why would I think parents in law should pay?

Well, exactly.

I have family round the corner (literally!) but when we go on holiday, we still arrange for a pet-sitter to come in and care for our cats and to check up on the house. I can't imagine asking someone to come and do it for free!

Because that's what people do when they want a service?

Well that's because of pet sitting element though.

No. It's because I'm not so entitled as to assume my family will give up their time for free to help me out.

If you want a service, you pay for it. There are people all over the country who offer house-sitting and check-in services like this - I'm one of them!