Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Trying to get away on a break to hold that independence together.

I would really resist such a pointless unnecessary task. The vast majority of us go on holiday without anyone opening and shutting curtains every day.

It’s an hour on an unecessary job.

That doesn’t mean he would be unwilling to help when help is actually needed.

I wouldn’t encourage my parents to think this was necessary.

You're not even making any sense at this point.

Agree.

I wouldn’t encourage my parents to think this was necessary.

This is it for me. It's okay for them to be a bit anxious but it's not okay for them to ask people to go out of their way for an hour+ each day to appease those anxieties.

If they're genuinely that worried, they can set their burglar alarm, or arrange for a professional house-sitter to come in and check the place over, with OP and her DH down as emergency contacts just in case.

I would just leave a light switch on. I always leave two lights on in the house

I am making sense.

OP, your husband raised an issue that you need to think a bit more on and that is how little you value his time. I would bet that's a big part of his anger. Also, was this a voluntell thing, where you agreed with your parents that he would do this without asking him directly?

You consider this a minor ask, but it's not. It involves manual physical exertion of a half hour plus the stress of riding in traffic to get there and back plus the time to get in and out and lock up. Then he would have to get home and might have to clean up before his own work and when does he eat breakfast? You expected him to do this before he started work and after work. This task was the equivalent of busy work at work, something not at all needed but just done for appearances. Your parents have what they need, a burglar alarm and timers.

Are you expecting to be carers for your parents? You had better have some discussion with your husband.

Oh right, it's patronising to think their family might just suck up this task right now for tge greater good and then help find a better solution that suits all parties next time they go away.

Apparently that’s too much like common sense, judging by some of the replies.

He’s recently bereaved and could be hugely struggling. 3-4 months is nothing when you lose a parent.

The fact he didn’t step up back then in the way the OP thinks he should have (and let’s face it, she hasn’t had a bereavement of parents so may no idea yet what it’s actually like to go through this), doesn’t mean this close bereavement hasn’t massively affected him.

It takes months to work through this stuff. He may not have the head space and bandwidth to take on tasks for his in laws quite yet. It doesn’t make him a twat.

Yep. Nobody else has the luxury of people opening and closing their curtains every day when they go on holiday.

I don't think I did that at any point. I didn't minimise the potential effect of sight loss on mental health as in relation to feeling some future loss of independence. Most people would feel that up to a point. I had a parent with sight loss.

If you pare it back to the basics, OP has asked her husband to take on a task on her behalf 5 or 6 times over a fortnight (not twice a day for the whole fortnight).

Whether he or his wife or the next door neighbour or Uncle Tom Cobley, think the task is ridiculous or not, his wife has asked him to do it. All the rest is froth.

By all means sort out a better solution for the future but for the next couple of weeks, suck it up for your wife (you know, that life partner).

I just wouldn't think it was imposing. It's mild inconvenience and potential re think of how to manage things next time they go on hols.

Maybe just go some of the times - not all of the times they’ve asked. Drive perhaps in the evenings only? Do 3 or 4 rather than 6 slots… parents won’t know whether you’ve been or not 😱😅
Hope you don’t fall out too much - sounds like you’re a nice kind person but he has better boundaries for his own self care!!

What is there to think about? They have an alarm - they just need to set it like everyone else does when they go on holiday

Or in a foreign country?!