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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

523 replies

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:19

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

OP posts:
faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:12

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 18:10

All I can say is that I wish I had the time and energy to dedicate an hour a day to someone else's curtains 😂

Quite Grin

I'm more than willing to help out when it's actually essential, but I am not giving up an hour of my time to open and close someone's curtains!

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:12

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 18:10

All I can say is that I wish I had the time and energy to dedicate an hour a day to someone else's curtains 😂

Or to just being open minded

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:13

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:11

You know

I have no idea what you're on about. In the slightest. Feel free to enlighten me though Grin

Chewygummy · 04/05/2025 18:13

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Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:13

DreamedTheSweetestDreams · 04/05/2025 18:09

Exactly. Maybe @Intranslation could help out. 😂

Just compassion

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 18:14

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I don't have to cycle here though 😂

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:14

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:13

Just compassion

If they're worried, they should use their burglar alarm, or hire a house-sitter, not expect people to give up over an hour of their time for free to appease their anxieties.

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:15

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:13

I have no idea what you're on about. In the slightest. Feel free to enlighten me though Grin

Parents they do so much for you, it's no biggie for your family to help them out.

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:17

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:15

Parents they do so much for you, it's no biggie for your family to help them out.

Well, I would argue that good parents wouldn't impose on their children by making ridiculous requests to begin with.

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:17

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:14

If they're worried, they should use their burglar alarm, or hire a house-sitter, not expect people to give up over an hour of their time for free to appease their anxieties.

I think that's exactly what they should expect.

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:18

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:17

I think that's exactly what they should expect.

I'm glad my parents aren't that ridiculous. They'd be embarrassed to impose on me like that.

UnstableCow · 04/05/2025 18:19

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:18

I'm glad my parents aren't that ridiculous. They'd be embarrassed to impose on me like that.

Mine too. And we help each other a lot.

Chewygummy · 04/05/2025 18:19

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faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:20

UnstableCow · 04/05/2025 18:19

Mine too. And we help each other a lot.

Yep. I do plenty for my parents (and vice versa) and for my FIL too. He's 80 and widowed and would never ask any of his kids to do something so ridiculous.

Getting older isn't a reason to make ridiculous requests of people and just expect them to jump to it.

MyDeftDuck · 04/05/2025 18:20

Get some timer plugs for lamps for your parents ad tell your OH to get stuffed he is just a selfish, uncaring twat.

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 18:20

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:15

Parents they do so much for you, it's no biggie for your family to help them out.

I'd argue that it wouldn't actually be helping them. The burglar alarm, and possibly a camera would be far more useful.

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:20

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Exactly - they can't be that bloody anxious!

StClabberts · 04/05/2025 18:24

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:20

Yep. I do plenty for my parents (and vice versa) and for my FIL too. He's 80 and widowed and would never ask any of his kids to do something so ridiculous.

Getting older isn't a reason to make ridiculous requests of people and just expect them to jump to it.

This. I'd do an hour a day for any of the DPs, but that's because none of them would be this unreasonable. OPs parents can't help being so anxious, but paid house checking and sitting services exist for that.

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:25

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:17

Well, I would argue that good parents wouldn't impose on their children by making ridiculous requests to begin with.

Well emotional health and well-being can't always oblige. Other things can have knock on effects. Sight loss is mentioned. Funnily enough, one of my parents had sight loss in later life. It impacts emotionally. There were a few unreasonable requests. We did find ways round some of them. What's described on this occasion seems more one to let ride in the scheme of things.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/05/2025 18:27

I’d be pissed off as well OP. He works from home so no commute, no kids to worry about.

Regardless of whether he thinks your parents are being daft, he could put himself out slightly for a few days to reassure them so they could enjoy their holiday. He sounds selfish.

ilovesushi · 04/05/2025 18:28

It's probably because the task is so nonsensical. I get that it is important to your parents, but it is such a non essential task and it is highly unlikely that not doing it will have any consequences. If he is a decent person, I am sure he'd happily ride over to water a plant/ feed a cat, bring in post. It is most likely the task, not that he doesn't want to put himself out. I am noticing with my mum as she gets older, the little jobs she wants doing become more and more about her own overworrying and less something that actually needs doing.

Starzinsky · 04/05/2025 18:28

It isn't a reasonable ask from your parents, and a waste of your husbands time.

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:28

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:25

Well emotional health and well-being can't always oblige. Other things can have knock on effects. Sight loss is mentioned. Funnily enough, one of my parents had sight loss in later life. It impacts emotionally. There were a few unreasonable requests. We did find ways round some of them. What's described on this occasion seems more one to let ride in the scheme of things.

Oh come off it - if they're happy to go off on a two week holiday, they're clearly not struggling that much 🤔

Intranslation · 04/05/2025 18:29

Digdongdoo · 04/05/2025 18:20

I'd argue that it wouldn't actually be helping them. The burglar alarm, and possibly a camera would be far more useful.

Yes, but they probably need a bit of processing time. Hence why cut some slack this time

faerietales · 04/05/2025 18:29

FrenchandSaunders · 04/05/2025 18:27

I’d be pissed off as well OP. He works from home so no commute, no kids to worry about.

Regardless of whether he thinks your parents are being daft, he could put himself out slightly for a few days to reassure them so they could enjoy their holiday. He sounds selfish.

Or they could set their burglar alarm.